Where is it? I did a search and went back 10 pages and couldn’t find it. Oh well, let’s start a new one. Bring on the jokes!!!
OT: Joke thread
Alright I’ll go first
The Pope was in town for some boring meetings, nothing special. Having never
driven a limo, he asks the chauffeur if he can drive for a
while. Well, the chauffeur doesn’t have much of a choice,
so he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes
the wheel.
The Pope proceeds down the highway, and starts accelerating
to see what the limo can do. He gets to about 90 mph, and
suddenly he sees the red & blue lights of a cop in his
mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window.
The trooper, seeing who it is, says, “Just a moment please,
I need to call in.”
The trooper calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief
that he’s got a REALLY important person pulled over, and
asks how to handle it.
“Is it the Governor?”
“No! Even more important!”
“Is it the PRESIDENT???”
“No sir! Even more important!”
“Well WHO THE HECK is it?” screams the chief.
“I don’t know sir,” replies the trooper, “but the Popes his driver.”
One of my FAVS!!! :teehee:
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house.
His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the
front yard. The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and
the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?”
She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?”
“Yes” was his incredulous reply.
She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”
Ok, another (or a few more)…lol…I have a TON saved on my computer :teehee:
Advertising Lingo
Ever wonder what all those advertising terms really mean?
NEW - Different color from previous design.
ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.
ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn’t understand it.
EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.
UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.
FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.
IT’S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.
FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.
HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.
FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.
REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.
DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.
BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.
MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.
MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.
SOLID-STATE - Heavy as anything
HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it.
An Adult Christmas Story
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip…but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick and the trainee elves weren’t making toys as fast as the regulars, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa out even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found the three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had drunk everything. In frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten it. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa went to the door, cussing all the way. When he opened the door, there stood an angel with a tree.
“Where would you like to put the tree?” the angel asked.
And that, my friend is how the angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.
Church Bulletin Bloopers:
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually
appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
- Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at
Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
2… Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER &FASTING
Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting &Prayer Conference
includes meals.
-
The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon
tonight: “Searching for Jesus.” -
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in
the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. -
Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your
husbands. -
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due
to a conflict. -
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care
much about you. -
Don’t let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
-
Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation. -
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a
nursery downstairs. -
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all
the help they can get. -
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes
of Pastor Jack’s sermons. -
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir
will sing: " Break Forth Into Joy." -
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. -
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow. -
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is
Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice. -
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. -
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. -
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered. -
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy
lunch. -
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super
entertainment and gracious hostility. -
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to
follow. -
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. -
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. -
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is
done. -
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next
Sunday. -
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please
use the back door. -
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend
this tragedy. -
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian
Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. -
The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge ! - Up Yours!”
Ok, that’s all I’ll post for now…lol
Ok, just had to add one more…lol…Going through all my jokes and forgot about this one!
History’s Worst Typo
A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”
So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall, and wailing "We forgot the “R”, We forgot the “R” His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, “What’s wrong, father?”
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, “The word is celebrate.” “The word is celebRate.”
LOL Demonica! Celebrate:chair:!
Apologies in advance to our male crafters (although this could actually work both ways!):
[CENTER][B][COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]How to Stay Married[/FONT][/COLOR][/B]
[COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]A man and a woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.[/FONT][/COLOR][/CENTER]
[CENTER][FONT=Verdana][COLOR=black]For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside.[/COLOR][/FONT][/CENTER]
[CENTER][FONT=Verdana][COLOR=black]She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. [/COLOR][/FONT]
[COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]“When we were to be married,” she said, “my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.”[/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.[/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]“Honey,” he said “that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?”[/FONT][/COLOR][/CENTER]
[CENTER][FONT=Verdana][COLOR=black]“Oh, that?” she said. “That’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”[/COLOR][/FONT]
Error messages from your system… [/CENTER]
[FONT=Times New Roman]
[INDENT][SIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman][COLOR=#000000]> Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/INDENT][COLOR=#000000]
[INDENT][SIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]>[/FONT][/SIZE][/INDENT]
[INDENT][SIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]> Try a bookstore-------under fiction.[/FONT][/SIZE][/INDENT]
[INDENT][SIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]>[/FONT][/SIZE][/INDENT]
[INDENT][SIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]> Q: What can a man do while his wife is going throughmenopause?[/FONT][/SIZE][/INDENT]
[INDENT][SIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]>[/FONT][/SIZE][/INDENT]
[INDENT][SIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]> A: Keep busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.[/FONT][/SIZE][/INDENT]
[INDENT][SIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]>[/FONT][/SIZE][/INDENT]
[INDENT][SIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]> Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in theBible. Is that[/FONT][/SIZE][/INDENT]
[INDENT][SIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]> true? Where can it be found?[/FONT][/SIZE][/INDENT]
[INDENT][SIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]>[/FONT][/SIZE][/INDENT]
[INDENT][SIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]> A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: “And Mary rode Joseph’s *** all the way to Egypt…”[/FONT][/SIZE][/INDENT]
[INDENT][SIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]>[/FONT][/SIZE][/INDENT]
[INDENT][SIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]> Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?[/FONT][/SIZE][/INDENT]
[INDENT][SIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]>[/FONT][/SIZE][/INDENT]
[INDENT][SIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]> A: Tell him you’re pregnant.[/FONT][/SIZE][/INDENT]
[INDENT][SIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]>[/FONT][/SIZE][/INDENT]
[INDENT][SIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]> Q: How can you avoid [COLOR=navy][COLOR=navy]t[/COLOR][/COLOR]hat terrible curse of theelderly-----wrinkles?[/FONT][/SIZE][/INDENT]
[INDENT][SIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]>[/FONT][/SIZE][/INDENT]
[INDENT][SIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]> A: Take off your glasses[/FONT][/SIZE][/INDENT]
[INDENT][SIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]>[/FONT][/SIZE][/INDENT]
[INDENT][SIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]> Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow’s feet and all those wrinkles on my face[/FONT][/SIZE][/INDENT]
[INDENT][SIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]>[/FONT][/SIZE][/INDENT]
[INDENT][SIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]> A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.[/FONT][/SIZE][/INDENT]
[INDENT][SIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]>[/FONT][/SIZE][/INDENT]
[INDENT][SIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]> Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?[/FONT][/SIZE][/INDENT]
[INDENT][SIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]>[/FONT][/SIZE][/INDENT]
[INDENT][SIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]> A: Valets don’t forget where they park your car.[/FONT][/SIZE][/INDENT]
[INDENT][SIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]>[/FONT][/SIZE][/INDENT]
[INDENT][SIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]> Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?[/FONT][/SIZE][/INDENT]
[INDENT][SIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]>[/FONT][/SIZE][/INDENT]
[INDENT][SIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]> A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.[/FONT][/SIZE][/INDENT]
[INDENT][SIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]>[/FONT][/SIZE][/INDENT]
[INDENT][SIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]> Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?[/FONT][/SIZE][/INDENT]
[INDENT][SIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]>[/FONT][/SIZE][/INDENT]
[INDENT][SIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]> A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.[/FONT][/SIZE][/INDENT]
[INDENT][SIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]>[/FONT][/SIZE][/INDENT]
[INDENT][SIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]> Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?[/FONT][/SIZE][/INDENT]
[INDENT][SIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]>[/FONT][/SIZE][/INDENT]
[INDENT][SIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]> A: On their foreheads.[/FONT][/SIZE][/INDENT]
[INDENT][SIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]>[/FONT][/SIZE][/INDENT]
[INDENT][SIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]> Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?[/FONT][/SIZE][/INDENT]
[INDENT][SIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]>[/FONT][/SIZE][/INDENT]
[INDENT][SIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]> A: “Gosh, I remember these.”[/FONT][/SIZE][/INDENT]
[/COLOR][/FONT]
What’s red and smells like blue paint?
. . . . . . . . . .
… . . . . . . . .
Red paint.
INGRID!!! :roll:
A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
“I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
Ok, another daily dose…lol…Here goes:
Zen Sarcasm
-
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much
leave me the heck alone. -
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
leaky tire. -
It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your
neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it. -
Sex is like air. It’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
-
Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can be replaced, you can’t be
promoted. -
No one is listening until you fart.
-
Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
-
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
-
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of
car payments. -
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes. That way, when you criticize them you’re a mile away and you
have their shoes. -
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
-
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. -
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it. -
If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
-
Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.
-
Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
-
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment. -
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and
put it back in your pocket. -
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
-
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together. -
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
-
Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are
moving. -
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need
it. -
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
-
We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our
butt…Then things get worse. -
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night. -
There is a fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
-
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously. -
There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday…around age 11. -
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
WORDS WOMEN USE
FINE…
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right
and you need to shut up. Never use “fine” to describe how a woman looks -
this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES…
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that
your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it’s
an even trade.
NOTHING…
This means “something,” and you should be on your toes.
“Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to
turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies
an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with “Fine”
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)…
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset
over “Nothing” and will end with the word “Fine”
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) …
This means “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care” You will
get a “Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing"
and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools
off.
LOUD SIGH…
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men.
A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders
why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over
"Nothing"
SOFT SIGH…
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. “Soft Sighs” mean that she is
content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
THAT’S OKAY…
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man.
“That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you
back for whatever it is that you have done. “That’s Okay” is often used with
the word “Fine” and in conjunction
with a “Raised Eyebrow.”
GO AHEAD…
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big
trouble.
PLEASE DO …
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to
come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is
that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and
you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay”
THANKS…
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you’re welcome.
THANKS A LOT …
This is much different from “Thanks.” A woman will say, “Thanks A Lot” when
she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the “Loud Sigh.” Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh,” as she will only tell you “Nothing”
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively
mischievous. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents
knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were
probably involved.
The boys’ mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in
disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the
mother sent her 8-year old first, in the morning, with the older boy
to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy
down and asked him sternly. “Where is God?” The boy’s mouth dropped
open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging
open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even
sterner tone, “Where is God!!?” Again, the boy made no attempt to
answer. So, the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his
finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “WHERE IS GOD!?”
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove
into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother
found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?”
The younger brother, gasping for air, replied, “We are in BIG trouble
this time, dude. God is missing, and they think WE did it!!”
Things My Mother Taught Me
-
My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…
“Just wait until your father gets home.” -
My Mother taught me about RECEIVING…
“You are going to get it when we get home!” -
My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE…
“What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don’t talk back to me!” -
My Mother taught me LOGIC…
“If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.” -
My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE…
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.” -
My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD…
“If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job.” -
My Mother taught me HUMOR…
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.” -
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.” -
My Mother taught me about GENETICS…
“You’re just like your father.” -
My Mother taught me about my ROOTS…
“Do you think you were born in a barn?” -
My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE…
“When you get to be my age, you will understand.”
And last but not least…
- My Mother taught me about JUSTICE…
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you…Then you’ll see what it’s like!”
[B][COLOR=#333399][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]FAMILY[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]yells to the other sisters, ‘Was I getting in or out of the bath?’[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]The 94-year-old yells back, ‘I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.’ She[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]starts up the stairs and pauses ‘Was I going up the stairs or down?’[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, ‘I sure hope I never get[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]that forgetful, knock on wood.’ She then yells, ‘I’ll come up and help[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.’[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399] _________________________________________________________[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399] ‘I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!’[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]March day. One remarked to the other, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]‘No,’ the second man replied, ‘it’s Thursday.’[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]And the third man chimed in, ‘So am I. Let’s have a beer.’[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399] [/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]LITTLE LADY:[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]‘Supersex.’ She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]her gown at him, she said, ‘Supersex.’[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, ‘I’ll take[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]the soup.’[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399] _________________________________________________________[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]OLD FRIENDS:[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]Now this one is just too Precious ![/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]and said, ‘Now don’t get mad at me … I know we’ve been friends for a[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]long time, but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.’[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]and glared at her. Finally she said, ‘How soon do you need to know?’[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399] ____[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399] SENIOR DRIVING[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, ‘Herman, I[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]Interstate 77. Please be careful!’ ‘Heck,’ said Herman, ‘It’s not just[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]one car. It’s hundreds of them!’[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399][/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]This one is my favorite[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]DRIVING[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself ’ I must be losing[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]it.[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]I could have sworn we just went through a red light.’ After a few more[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]again. Again, they went right through.[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]said, ‘Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]in a row? You could have killed us both!’[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]Mildred turned to her and said, ‘Oh, crap, am I driving ?’[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]_[/COLOR][/font][/B]
[B][FONT=‘Lucida Bright’,‘serif’][COLOR=#333399]TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US !!![/font][/COLOR][/B]
[INDENT][COLOR=gray][FONT=‘Arial’,‘sans-serif’]CONFIDENTIALITY NOTICE: This e-mail and any files transmitted with it are intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to whom they are addressed and may contain confidential and privileged information protected by law. If you received this e-mail in error, any review, use, dissemination, distribution, or copying of the e-mail is strictly prohibited. Please notify the sender immediately by return e-mail and delete all copies from your system.[/font][/COLOR][/INDENT]
Read these out loud, they’re better that way.
One man says to the other, “I’m a teepee, I’m a wigwam, I’m a teepee, I’m a wigwam!” The other man says, “Calm down, you’re too tense!” (two tents)
Three strings are walking down the street, and they’re terribly thirsty. They pass a bar, but it has a sign that says “No strings allowed.” The first string says, “I don’t care what it says, I’m getting a beer!” He walks in and asks for a beer. The bartender says, “Didn’t you see the sign?!” and throws the string out.
The second string gets a trench coat and dark glasses, creeps into the bar, and timidly asks for a beer. The bartender peers at him, says “We don’t serve your kind here!” and throws him out of the bar.
The third string ties himself up, fluffs up his top and his bottom, and marches up to the bar to order a drink. The bartender says, “Hey, aren’t you a string?” and the third string says, “Nope, I’m afraid not!” (frayed knot)
I’ve been slacking! lol
Sentences Found In Patients’ Hospital Charts
-
She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
-
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a
year. -
On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
disappeared. -
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
-
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
-
Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
-
Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but
forgetful. -
The patient refused autopsy.
-
The patient has no previous history of suicides.
-
Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
-
Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with
only 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. -
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
-
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
-
Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
-
She is numb from her toes down. 16. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
-
The skin was moist and dry.
-
Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
-
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
-
Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
-
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life,
until she got a divorce. -
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy. -
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
-
Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. [Just
how big IS “circus sized”?] -
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
-
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
-
Skin: somewhat pale but present.
-
The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
-
Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
-
Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
-
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: If we don’t get some support soon people are going to think were nuts.
BLONDE ICE FISHING
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She’d seen many books on the
subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she
made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started
to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice
boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of
cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heaven
the voiced bellowed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of
the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her
hole. The voice came once more, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, “Is that you, Lord?”
The voice replied, “No, this is the manager of the hockey rink.”
5 people were in a airplane heading back from a deserted island. There was the pilot, engineer, doctor, pastor and a boy scout.
Suddenly the engine malfunctions, and the pilot screams, “there are only 4 parachutes. I have to go becuase I am the pilot and I saw what happened. I’ll save millions of lives.” and he grabs a parachute and jumps out. The engineer yells, “I am the engineer, and I now have valuble information regarded this airplane and how to make future models better.” He grabs the parachute and jumps out. The doctor run up and says “I am a doctor. I will save millions of lives becuase I am the smartest man in the universe.” He grabs a parachute and jumps out.
The pastor turns to the boy scout and says “Son, I have lived a full life. There is only one parachute left. I want you to take it. You have your whole life ahead of you.” The boy scout responded, “Sir, we can both go. The smartest man in the universe just jumped out with my backpack.”
Haha! I’ve heard that one but they used Bill Gates instead of the smart doctor!
Kelly
[I]How many divas does it take to replace a lightbulb?[/I]
One…She stands up and holds the bulb, while the world revolves around her.
:roflhard:
I’ve heard a variation of that one, Shandeh, replacing “diva” with “men” :teehee:
Ok…I don’t want to take credit for this one…but I made it up in grade two…and it was funny to me at the time…
Why did E.T. drink a lot of beer?
He is an ALE-ian
:teehee: Cute!
The one I originally heard was with “sopranos” instead of “divas”. I changed it to make sense in the forum.
I have LOTS of musician jokes. :mrgreen: