OT: Joke thread

#21

I’m horrible at remembering jokes. For some reason there’s only ONE that has stuck in my head, I guess because it’s so silly or because the one telling it was a sheep (it was Lambchop)…at the risk of ruining my online image here goes…

Why did the elephant sit on the marshmellow?. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .To keep from falling into the hot chocolate :shock:

:roflhard: That STILL cracks me up!
:flirt:

#22

I have no idea where I heard this joke. Maybe here in the forum. Anyway, it’s copied to my computer, so I’m sharing it now:

[COLOR=#666666][FONT=Arial]A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#666666][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#666666][FONT=Arial]The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa.” Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#666666][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#666666][FONT=Arial]The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $50!” figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde’s attention and figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#666666][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#666666][FONT=Arial]The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?” The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#666666][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#666666][FONT=Arial]He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, so what IS the answer!?” Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.[/FONT][/COLOR]

1 Like
#23

Geez, I just realized I don’t know any jokes clean enough to post here :rofl:

I’ll just post the best poem I’ve ever written instead.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Doorknobs

#24

Someone told me this yesterday.

The Sick Day

A man calls into work and says, ’ I’m not coming into work today, I’m really sick. I’ve got a headache, a stomach ache and my legs hurt. I can’t come in."

The boss says, ’ I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.’

Two hours later the man calls again.
‘I followed your advice, and now I feel great. I’ll be in right away. And boy, you’ve sure got a nice house.’

#25

:roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: That’s GREAT! :thumbsup:

:teehee:
I know a version of that too, Knitting Guy:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I’m schizophrenic
And so am I

#26

[COLOR=#993333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][B]Marriage – Part One… [/B][/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif] 1) Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence).[/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]2) Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are still attached.[/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]3) Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.[/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]4) Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Master’s.[/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]5) Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman’s finger, and two under the man’s eyes.[/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]6) Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.[/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]7) Marriage is not just a having a wife but also worries inherited forever.[/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]8) Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of “RINGS”:
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-ring
* The Endu-ring[/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]9) Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBORS listen.[/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]10) It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.[/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]11) Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that instead.[/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]12) It’s true that all men are born free and equal-but some of them get MARRIED![/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]13) There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.[/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]14) A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.[/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]15) Conversations between son & father:
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don’t know son, I’m still paying for it.[/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
[/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]*****[/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#993333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][B]Marriage – Part Two… [/B][/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif] 16) There was a man who said, “I never knew what happiness was until I got married… and then it was too late!”[/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif] 17) Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.[/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif] 18) They say that when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.[/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif] 19) When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.[/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif] 20) There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]21) Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest. (Irwin Corey)[/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]22) When a man says it’s a silly, childish game, it’s probably something his wife can beat him at. (Epperson’s law) [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]23) Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting. (Ray Bandy) [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]24) The more I know about men, the more I like dogs. (Gloria Allred, feminist attorney, 1995)[/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]25) If God wanted women to understand men, football would never have been created. (Anonymous) [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]26) If you are afraid of loneliness, don’t marry. (Chekhov) [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]27) Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. (Woody Allen) [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]28) Once a boy becomes a man, he’s a man all his life. But a woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife. (Al Bundy) [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]29) If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam. ( Johnny Carson) [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]30) Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back. (Al Bundy) [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]31) An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. (Agatha Christie) [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][/COLOR]

#27

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I’m schizophrenic
And so am I

We don’t get it. :rofl:

#28

Figures :teehee:

#29

[FONT=Tahoma][SIZE=2][COLOR=#004080][COLOR=#004080][FONT=Tahoma]The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob,
because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of
them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Tahoma][SIZE=2][COLOR=#004080][COLOR=#004080][FONT=Tahoma]The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning
with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what
happened to you? He said, 'Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and
watched him all night. '[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Tahoma][SIZE=2][COLOR=#004080][COLOR=#004080][FONT=Tahoma]The next night it was a different guy’s turn. In the morning, same thing
hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, ‘Man, what
happened to you? You look awful!’ He said, ‘Man, that Bob shakes the
roof with his snoring. I watched him all night .’[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Tahoma][SIZE=2][COLOR=#004080][COLOR=#004080][FONT=Tahoma]The third night was Pete’s turn. Pete was a big burly ex-Navy man; a
man’s man. The next morning he came to breakfast all bright eyed and bushy-tailed.
‘Good morning,’ he said. They couldn’t believe it! They said, 'Man, what happened?'
He said, ‘Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt,
and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night!’[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

#30

[B][B][FONT=Tahoma][SIZE=2][COLOR=purple][COLOR=purple][FONT=Tahoma] 1: [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][/B][/B][B][B][FONT=Tahoma][SIZE=4][COLOR=purple][COLOR=purple][FONT=Tahoma]When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][/B][/B][B][FONT=Tahoma][SIZE=4][COLOR=purple][COLOR=purple][FONT=Tahoma][B][B][B][FONT=Tahoma][FONT=Tahoma]someplace expensive…so, I took her to a gas station…[/FONT][/FONT][/B][/B][/B][/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][/B]

[B][B][FONT=Tahoma][SIZE=4][COLOR=red][COLOR=red][FONT=Tahoma]2: I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light f or [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][/B][/B][B][FONT=Tahoma][SIZE=4][COLOR=red][COLOR=red][FONT=Tahoma][B][B][B][FONT=Tahoma][FONT=Tahoma]$14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her [/FONT][/FONT][/B][/B][B][B][FONT=Tahoma][FONT=Tahoma]the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

[/FONT][/FONT][/B][/B][/B][/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][/B] [FONT=Tahoma][COLOR=Navy][SIZE=4][FONT=Tahoma][B]3: My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and [/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=Tahoma][SIZE=4][COLOR=fuchsia][COLOR=fuchsia][FONT=Tahoma][B][FONT=Tahoma][COLOR=Navy][FONT=Tahoma]I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at [/FONT][/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=Tahoma][COLOR=Navy][FONT=Tahoma]a nearby table. My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’ ‘Yes,’ I sighed, [/FONT][/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=Tahoma][COLOR=Navy][FONT=Tahoma]‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after [/FONT][/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=Tahoma][COLOR=Navy][FONT=Tahoma]we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober [/FONT][/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=Tahoma][COLOR=Navy][FONT=Tahoma]since.’ ‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘Who would think a person could go on [/FONT][/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=Tahoma][FONT=Tahoma][COLOR=Navy]celebrating that long?’ [/COLOR]

[/FONT][/FONT] [/B][/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Tahoma][SIZE=4][FONT=Tahoma][B]4: I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road[/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Tahoma][SIZE=4][FONT=Tahoma][B][FONT=Tahoma][FONT=Tahoma] and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes [/FONT][/FONT][FONT=Tahoma][FONT=Tahoma] you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, [/FONT][/FONT][FONT=Tahoma][FONT=Tahoma] well I couldn’t believe it… he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my [/FONT][/FONT][FONT=Tahoma][FONT=Tahoma] car, looked up at me, and shouted, ‘I AM NOT HAPPY!!!’ So, I looked down[/FONT][/FONT][FONT=Tahoma][FONT=Tahoma] at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’
[/FONT][/FONT][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT]
[B][B][FONT=Tahoma][SIZE=4][COLOR=#ff6600][COLOR=#ff6600][FONT=Tahoma]5: I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][/B][/B][B][FONT=Tahoma][SIZE=4][COLOR=#ff6600][COLOR=#ff6600][FONT=Tahoma][B][B][B][FONT=Tahoma][FONT=Tahoma] order first. ‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.’ He said, [/FONT][/FONT][/B][/B][B][B][FONT=Tahoma][FONT=Tahoma] ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’ ‘Nah, she can order for [/FONT][/FONT][/B][/B][B][B][FONT=Tahoma][FONT=Tahoma]herself.’[/FONT][/FONT][/B][/B][/B][/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][/B]

#31

From choir rehearsal:
“Men, please be sure to enunciate at measure 78, where there aren’t any words.”

#32

[FONT=arial, helvetica, sans-serif][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][B]A cabbie picks up a Nun. [/B][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [SIZE=2][B][FONT=arial, helvetica, sans-serif][COLOR=black][COLOR=black]She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her.[/COLOR][/COLOR] [/FONT][/B]
[/SIZE] [FONT=arial, helvetica, sans-serif][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][B]She asks him why he is staring. [/B][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][SIZE=2]
[B][FONT=arial, helvetica, sans-serif][COLOR=black][COLOR=black]He replies:[/COLOR][/COLOR]
[COLOR=black][COLOR=black]“I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.” [/COLOR][/COLOR][/FONT][/B]
[/SIZE] [FONT=arial, helvetica, sans-serif][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][B]She answers,
“My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.” [/B][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][SIZE=2]
[B][FONT=arial, helvetica, sans-serif][COLOR=black][COLOR=black]“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”[/COLOR][/COLOR] [/FONT][/B]
[/SIZE] [FONT=arial, helvetica, sans-serif][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][B]She responds,
“Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.” [/B][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=arial, helvetica, sans-serif][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][B]The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!” [/B][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=arial, helvetica, sans-serif][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][B]“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.” [/B][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=arial, helvetica, sans-serif][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][B]The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. [/B][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=arial, helvetica, sans-serif][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][B]But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. [/B][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=arial, helvetica, sans-serif][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][B]“My dear child,” says the nun, “why are you crying?” [/B][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=arial, helvetica, sans-serif][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][B]“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.” [/B][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][SIZE=2]
[B][FONT=arial, helvetica, sans-serif][COLOR=black][COLOR=black]The nun says, “That’s OK. [/COLOR][/COLOR]
[/FONT][/B][/SIZE] [SIZE=2][B][FONT=Book Antiqua][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=arial, helvetica, sans-serif]My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party.”[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/FONT][/B][/SIZE]

#33

:teehee:

#34

THat’s AWESOME!!!:roflhard::roflhard::roflhard::roflhard:

#35

[COLOR=#993333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][B][SIZE=2][COLOR=Black]Three Pints of Guinness … [/COLOR][/SIZE][/B][/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][SIZE=2][COLOR=Black] An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, “what’ll you have?” The man says, “Give me three pints of Guinness please.” So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][SIZE=2][COLOR=Black]The bartender says, “Sir, I know you like them cold. You don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one.”[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][SIZE=2][COLOR=Black]The man says, "You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we’re drinking together.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][SIZE=2][COLOR=Black]The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][SIZE=2][COLOR=Black]The bartender said to him, “I know what your tradition is, and I’d just like to say that I’m sorry that one of your brothers died.”[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][SIZE=2][COLOR=Black]The man said, “Oh, me brothers are fine. It’s me! I’ve quit drinking!”[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][/COLOR]

#36

A panda walked into a bar, and much to the bar tenders surpise, ordered a dinner special. In awe of such an unusual Panda, he made sure his order was the first one out of the kitchen.

The Panda ate quietly and when he finished his dinner he thanked the bar tender then proceeded to shoot everyone in the bar. When he had finished he ran out.

The only person to survive was the bar tender, who ran after the Panda. When he caught it he breathly asked.
“Why did you shoot everyone?!”
“I’m a Panda, look me up in the dictionary.”

So the bar tender did, and this is what he found.

“Panda: Eats shoots and leaves.”

I think this one is REALLY funny and I hope it doesn’t offend anyone :frowning:

A man gets on to a plane and sits in his window seat. As the other passengers enter he begins to wonder who is going to sit beside him. Suddenly the most beautiful woman he has ever seen comes strolling down the isle. He starts to whisper to himself, “Please let her sit next to me.” And she did! The man was very excited and after they took off he decided to strike up a conversation.
“Business or pleasure?”
“Business actually, I’m going to a convention.”
“Oh really what type?”
"Nymphomaniacs of America."
The man is so elated he can hardly speak but he manages to reply.
“And uh, what are you doing there?”
"I’m giving a talk on sexual myths based on personal experiance, for instance, the rumour is that italians are the best lovers, but I have found that it’s the Jewish male who is the best. Another is that African American males are the largest, but tha simply isn’t true, it is the Native American male who is. And finally, that Germans have the best stamina, but I personally believe it is the white male from the southern states. Oh but I feel so embarassed telling you all this when I don’t even know your name!"
The man sits quietly for a second, his face unreadable before he says,
“Tonto, Tonto Goldstien, but my friend call me Bubba”

XD

#37

I look forward to this thread more than any other thing I keep up on!!!

Keep them coming!!!

#38

[SIZE=2][COLOR=Black][B]Who’s Up There?

[/B] [/COLOR][/SIZE] [COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][SIZE=2][COLOR=Black]A nine year old boy asks his mother, “Is God male or female?”[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][SIZE=2][COLOR=Black]After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, “Well God is both male and female.”[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][SIZE=2][COLOR=Black]This confuses the boy, so he asks, “Is God black or white?”[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][SIZE=2][COLOR=Black]“Well,” she says, “God is both black and white.”[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][SIZE=2][COLOR=Black]This really confuses the boy, so he asks, “Is God gay or straight?” Feeling a bit out of her depth, but wanting to be consistent, the mother answers, “Honey, God is both gay and straight.”[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][SIZE=2][COLOR=Black]At this the boy’s face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks…[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][SIZE=2][COLOR=Black]“Is Michael Jackson God?”[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][/COLOR]
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[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][SIZE=2][COLOR=Black]:roflhard:
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#39

I, too love this thread. For better or worse, here goes…

A Letter To The Bank

Dear sirs:

In view of what seems to be happening to banks internationally at the moment, I was wondering if you could advise me:

One of my checks was returned marked ‘insufficient funds’, does that refer to me or to you???

Please advise…

This will probably bring back many memories to any of us having had experiences with small children’s conversations. For most people, Thanksgiving is a time to reflect on what we’ve been given and to savor the scents of crisp autumn days and pumpkin pie, but for this woman it has a whole different meaning:

One November afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked her up after school. She bobbed out to the car and crawled into the back seat.

“What did you do today?” I asked.

She couldn’t wait to tell me. “We learned that boys are different from girls” she chirped. Looking into the rearview mirror I could just see the top of her head.
“My teacher told us that boys have a thing the girls don’t,” she added.

“Well, yes they do…” I said cautiously.

Then she piped up again. “That’s how girls know that boys are boys,” she said. “They see that thing hanging down and they know that he’s a boy…” I mentally calculated the distance home. Our five-minute commute already felt like an hour.

“Did you know that when the boys see a girl they puff up?”

My palms were beginning to sweat. “Um…well…” I was still searching for something to say, to change the subject, when she asked, “Why do the girls like boys to have those things?” Well I didn’t know what to say. I mean, what woman hasn’t asked herself that very same question at least once? “Oh, well…um…” I stammered.

She didn’t wait for my answer. She had her own. “It’s cause it moves when they walk and when girls see that they know they’re boys and that’s when they like them. Then the boy sees the girl and he puffs up, then the girl really knows he likes her too. And then they get married. And then they get cooked.”

That last part confused me a bit, but on the whole I thought she had a pretty good grasp on things. As soon as we got home she hopped out of the car, fishing some-
thing out of her school bag. “I drew a picture,” she said. “…you want to see?”

I wasn’t all that sure I did, but I looked anyway. I had to sit down. There, all puffed up so to speak, looking mighty attractive for the ladies, was a crayon drawing of a great big Tom Turkey. His snood, the thing that hangs down over his beak, the thing that female turkeys find so irresistible, was magnificent. His tail feathers were standing tall and proud.

She was a little offended that I laughed so hard at her drawing. I laughed until I cried. But I told her I loved it - and I did - and she got over her pique. That was the end of that… for her anyway. But I’m not so lucky. Every year I remember that conversation, and to be honest I haven’t looked at a turkey or a man the same way since.

HAVE A HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

  1. Similar, but still funny…
    A Husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a

case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the wife.

‘They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,’ he replies.

‘Put them back, we can’t afford them,’ demands the wife, and so

they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and

puts it in the basket.

‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the husband.

‘Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,’ replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: ‘So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price.’

On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down.

A friend of mine called me to complain about a problem she was having with admission to online instruction at her state university. She knew I had been teaching online since ’94 and wanted to know if I’d ever heard of her problem. And she was looking for a recommendation to break the log jam. It seems that she decided to go back to school online to finish the degree she never finished once she started having kids. They are now in college and encouraged Mom to finish up.

She got admitted to the college and enrolled in her first online course only to get an email from the registrar’s office telling her that she still needed to submit a copy of her immunization records to the college. She sent them a reply saying that she was an online student and was seven hundred miles away from the campus. (And she had no idea where her childhood immunization records were.) They replied that she could still be a health hazard to other students if her immunization record was not up to date. They were insistent.

I told her to Xerox a copy of her Norton Anti virus program and email it to the school.

She did. She never heard back from the bureaucrat. She is happily taking the course now.

That’s all for now…enjoy. I love this thread.

Kat

#40

I know a ocuple of real good ones that I probably shouldn’t share. I need to check my old emails to find something.