My best friend of 7 years has decided that she wants to get a divorce. They’ve been married for 5 years and together for 7 years. They have no children and to everyone’s knowlege…they’ve never fussed and fought or anything like that. There have been a few occassions over the past two or three years (maybe three times) that she has expressed frustration with their marriage but it always seemed like normal marriage stuff to me (he doesn’t compliment me…I wish he were more romantic/expressive…etc.). Everytime it’s happened…within a week or two she has bounced back and everything has been fine. She’s quite flighty but overall a highly intelligent, very friendly, christian, big hearted woman. I love her dearly and she and she is the Godmother to my 3 yr old dd.
A few weeks back she starting talking about having babies and I questioned whether it was a good idea considering they times that she’s expressed concern about their relationship (I was married for 3.5 years, had a baby and found myself divorced w/i a year…I know what kind of strain it can put on a not so solid marriage). She assurred me that everything was great and that things were solid. All of a sudden, about a month later she’s told her husband she doesn’t want to be with him. I do know that she has met a guy at school (she’s working on her PhD) that has all of those “qualities” that she doesn’t find in her husband–he also has a bad boy kind of look/attitude (and a german accent) which she was always attracted to when we were in our late teens/early twenties before she met her husband and got married. This is the second time that I know of that she has found someone to be attractive and found herself mentally caught up in the idea of the person. I KNOW the problem is this guy coupled w/ the fact that she seems to always be looking for something/someone to provide something that’ll make her happy. The guy she is married to now is sweet, smart, attractive, makes six figures and allows her to be a career student and not work. She drives a nice new car and lives in a rather exclusive neighborhood in our area. Many people would LOVE to have what she has. She’s telling everyone now that they don’t have a “connection” and that she’s been unhappy for five years and lying to all of us (him, me, her family…). Everyone is very upset over all of this–her family has spoken to her, several friends have expressed concern to her and I’ve spoken to her husband and he’s gone through everything he can think of to try to change her mind. I had remained very neutral to the situation for the past couple of weeks b/c I was once in a bad marriage (drinking and abuse) and I know what it’s like to be unhappy and want to get away…on the other hand I feel strongly that she’s looking for greener grass where there isn’t any and I don’t want to see her make a big mistake. I had only been neutral until a couple of days ago when I finally told her that I thought she was making a mistake and was honest with her about my concerns. She quietly let me go (we were on the phone) and I’ve only spoken to her twice since then via email. I emailed her later after our phone call to let her know I love her and that it’s hard to see her hurting…I told her I only want to see her happy and that I’ll support whatever decision she makes but that I didn’t feel I was being much of a best friend if I wasn’t honest. I found out the next day from her husband that she told him I called and “yelled” at her and she emailed me to say that I hurt her feelings and she thought I was immature b/c I used the phrase “screw it”. She did say in the email that she loved me (we say that alot…we are really close friends…closer than my own sister and I) and that she was going up to the monastary for the weekend to talk to one of her monk friends (she did part of her thesis on monastic literature). I called her four times the next day and left messages in several places…I knew she wouldn’t leave until the afteroon. Finally I emailed her Sat. morning to tell her that I was worried b/c I could reach her and hoped everything was okay. I told her I knew she was under a lot of pressure but I didn’t want her to shut me out (I apologize for “hurting her feelings” in the response I sent to her email about going to the monastary). It hurt my feelings to hear that she was lying to us all for the past 5 years (she said she knew she was a great actor and it made her feel awful to know she’d been putting on a face for all of us…I still don’t know if I believe she was capable of that…I know she was happy…) and now it feels like she’s avoiding me. She emailed me back to say she didn’t want to talk to anyone right now and that she’d call me after church today…it’s 9:00 pm our time and still no word. I’ve left two more messages for her.
I love my friend dearly and can’t stand the thought that our friendship might be “in danger” b/c I hurt her feelings…I thought we were so much stronger than that. I don’t know what to do to help her–part of me wants to just leave her alone while the other part of me doesn’t want her to go through this alone…it hurts me to not talk to her b/c we normally talk so much. I don’t know whether to email all of these feelings to her or just let it go. I don’t want to bombard her but I hate what it happening–it’s like she’s just suddenly given up on what was a great thing…even her husband is in shock…he’s offered to do everything from counseling to separation to whatever…she says thats no way to live.
I’m so sorry to unload all of this on you guys but I just don’t know what to do…it really feels like my best friend has lost her mind and now I’m loosing mine…
any suggestions…?
Sounds like she definitely needs her space in terms of her marital relationship right now, to at least take time to focus on her needs. That can be healthy in the long run, and maybe all is not lost in the relationship. I broke up with Sheldon more than once in the first few years of our relationship, when I was still figuring out how to communicate and get my needs met. It’s so important to figure that out. Now, I’m happy to say, I can communicate and also get my needs met successfully, it took training and skill.
