Dilema

Lounge
1

Ok…

I have a dilema…

A friend of mine is getting married…(for those of you who remember…this friend is also the one who just found out she has breast cancer…not relevant to this story…but just making sure you are still with me…smiles)

She wants to get married in the Caribbean on a cruise.

I am her best friend and there is no one else she would rather have there with her than me.

I would like nothing more to be there…

However…

I am scared to fly…

I do not do well in the heat…

I am not really ready/willing to pay for the cruise (about $2000 US…per person)

My hubby who I will not go without does not do well on boats…

Now…I said to her “asking me to go on a plane is no different than me asking you to watch a zombie movie” (she is dead against it, and scared of them)

She said “if you asked me to watch a zombie movie at your wedding, I would have…”

She said if money is an issue, her and her parents can help…which really…I am kinda not comfortable with…especially cause it is her party, I don’t want to make her pay for me…

I also get heat exhaustion very easily…even when I am playing precautions…

She wants to play the puppy dog eyes card…but I have also told her that to go, I would be very outside my comfort zone, in many ways.

I feel bad about saying no…but I would feel very uncomfortable going…

What do you do?

2

Oh boy… that’s a tough one. If it was just getting on a plane I would say do it anyway, but then we have health issues in the heat, motion sickness, financial issues. Eeek. :zombie: I’m not sure. I think I personally would have to tell her that you love and support her, but you just won’t be able to be there with her. Tell her you’ll give her a big party when she comes home…or something and hope she understands. :shrug:

3

Ohh, that is a tough one…I totally understand where you’re coming from though, ESPECIALLY the flying part…Ugh. I HATE flying!

I think, what I would do, is explain to her that yes, you are my best friend and of course I would love to be a part of your big day, but, explain the reasons you’re uncomfortable with it, health wise, “fear” (for lack of a better word) wise, and financially…Maybe see if she would like it if you planned a Caribbean themed party for when they return, to celebrate the wedding, and, maybe have a mock wedding for all of her friends and family to witness…Explain that you really do not want it to come between you two but you are truly uncomfortable with it for a number of reasons…

4

She knows I am uncomfortable…and is still pressing…

I feel bad cause I know she really wants me there…and that is the reason for the pressure…but it is a really big expense just for a wedding. If it was a vacation I was wanting to take anyway…sure…but really…that would be $4000 to be at a wedding.

DH and I are really not vacation ppl. And if I had to spend most of my time on the boat cause the heat was too much…what fun would that be for vacation anyway?

She is going to have a party anyway…she said…for all those who can’t make the cruise. I told her we could have a special one with just us if I can’t make it…She still really wants me there…which makes my heart break to tell her otherwise…

I think I will suggest even that they have the ceremony here and have the cruise as a honeymoon. That way more ppl can partake of the actual festivities. I don’t think she will buy it…but it is worth a shot.

The good thing right now…is that it not going to be right away. They got engaged last week…but she still has 6 months of Chemo and Radiation to do…and doesn’t want to go down the aisle looking like she just had 6 months of chemo and radiation…so she is looking ahead a year or possibly two…

5

Maybe since it is so new she will change her mind? If she isn’t planning on having it for a year or two this could be just the excitement talking but once she has time to think and adjust to the idea of getting married she might change her mind… esp. if she sees that not many can afford to do this or able to go…:hug:

6

I don’t like flying, and I’m not a big fan of hot weather, and I get motion sick, and I wouldn’t pay $2000 to attend my best friend’s wedding. So I understand exactly where you are. I would continue to say that I just didn’t think I could make it, though I was thrilled for her happiness.

Now if she did a wedding in Canada and a honeymoon in the tropics that sounds about perfect to me. Does she think the wedding will have to be fancier if she has it at home, but she can do a really small (and cheaper) wedding if she does a destination wedding?

7

I think you need to tell her everything you told us. You need to say that you don’t feel comfortable flying, or being in the heat and despite that you can’t afford it and don’t feel comfortable taking other people’s money. Tell her that you want to be there just as much as she wants you there, but you just can’t do the things she wants to do.
If she really truly does want you there, she will figure out an alternative wedding plan. If this is her dream and she is determined to do it, you might have to sit this one out.

8

Is she asking you to be her matron of honor or just a guest at the wedding? I would think that comes into play with your decision making. I must admit that I am not a fan of the “destination wedding” as I think it puts too much financial pressure on your guests.

If she is asking you to be her matron of honor and that this is the dream wedding she has always wanted and it wouldn’t be as special for her if you couldn’t be there standing up for her - I think, if I were you, that I’d try to overcome my inhibitions and do this for her. The money issue is the biggest hurdle to overcome in this instance. If she wants you to be her matron of honor, perhaps it’s acceptable that she (or her parents) could pay your way considering you’d have to be buying a dress, etc., etc…

If she’s just wants you there as a guest, I think it’s perfectly acceptable to tell her that you just 1) can’t afford it and you don’t think it’s fair for anyone else to foot an additional bill for someone to go since they’re probably already paying quite a bill for the wedding as is; and 2) you are NOT a plane, ship and heat person. None of these things appeal to you and, in fact, could really make her time miserable if you and your husband are sick for a good majority of her wedding. You would not dream of doing anything to ruin her day.

Keep in mind that she may not realize how fearful you are of flying, being on a ship and suffering from heat exhaustion during her wedding. Since she doesn’t suffer from these things it’s easy to just brush it off. She’s not negating your feelings, she just doesn’t want to acknowledge that they could keep you away. It’s excuses that she’s hearing, not actual maladies. You need to make her understand. Like Demonica said, tell her that you don’t want this to come between you two, and it won’t on your part anyway.

9

Crycket, I think most people have covered really good answers. Parties, emotional support, etc. You could always be there via Skype. :teehee: And, given time, she might change her mind about where she wants to get married.

She may be your best friend, but don’t let her pressure you into doing something that you are uncomfortable with from so many angles. Do what feels right to you, not her.

Bambi

10

I really am not sure…I remember her telling me a long time ago that she wanted a cruise ship wedding…long before she even met her fiancee. So I really don’t know…

lol…we actually did talk about all of this…before I even posted this thread. I just have an unusally low threshold for guilt trips. She is sooo excited, and will likely have so few ppl there…that wanting to have me there makes it all the more special…and the fact that I just don’t think it would be a good idea makes it all the more worse that I have to turn it down…

She combats each of the things I say…I don’t like planes, that shouldn’t matter cause it is her special day, and she was there for mine…

I get heat sick, she says that it is just special circumstances that I had gotten ill the last 5 times I had spent any time in the heat (she was with me almost each of these times, and 3 out of 5 of them I was in my Hermione/Hogwarts garb for girl guide camps. The arguement could be made that it was because I was wearing a wig, and not drinking enough…that I was getting these symptoms, and tossing my guts out…but I have had two other times where I wasn’t in any of that…and I was still having problems…I really just don’t do well in the heat…I wilt, and even with lots of water, I still don’t get enough to not dehydrate!)

She says if money is the only thing stopping me, her parents will help us out…

She doesn’t yet know that DH can’t handle boats…

She even made the suggestion that if the heat was too much I could stay on the boat…it didn’t strike me til later…that really…that kinda defeats the purpose of being in the caribbean to begin with…

I don’t think she has thought that far ahead yet…but she had said (cause I asked about brides maid dresses) I can wear whatever I want, cause I would be the only bridesmaid there…so I guess that is to say, I would be the matron of honour…

I have no problem performing the duties (holding the shower etc) but I just don’t think I can be there…

Yeah…I don’t know…I just think it is a little too much to ask for. Especially cause she knew a long time ago that I felt this way…now she is just using her excitement and peer pressure to get me there…and I really don’t feel comfortable with it…

sigh

11

In the end you have to do what you are comfortable with, but if it were me and my best friend, I would fly to the moon to see her married.
Fact of the matter is that your friend is facing her own mortality and battling breast cancer - I just went through this with my mother and even beyond the physical effects of hair loss and surgery, the emotional and mental effects are dramatic. Don’t let her wedding drive you apart. Tell her that you are incredibly happy for her and that you will think about it and see where you stand financially once they set a date and are looking at booking it etc.
$2000/per person seems horribly expensive for a Caribbean cruise. Most of them the hubby and I have looked at are around $500/per person for 5nights. In the case of a destination wedding I don’t think it is unusual for the brides family to bear some of the expenses for a small number of guests. Cruises are a lot of fun and while at sea you shouldn’t feel too hot - there are nice ocean breezes. Once on land you don’t have to be out all day everyday. Go out and play in the water and have some fun and then go back inside for a nap. They make ear patches for sea sickness and HUGE cruise ships are not like being on a little fishing boat that rocks and rolls on the waves. Same thing for flying - a little anti-anxiety pill.
Just my two cents

12

That is a tough situation. I don’t think it’s fair that she’s pressuring you and your reasons for not wanting to go are compelling. (but you really might have a great time- you never know!) Here’s what I will ask you- say you decide not to go…

If she dies in a year- will you forgive yourself for not being there- or will you be OK with the decision not to go? Think about the decision like it’s already made both ways and what your long term feelings will be. You don’t want to be kicking yourself later. Do whatever will put you the most at peace. If she loves you, she should understand either way.

13

I am thinking she has a rather bright future…rather…the prognosis seems good…caught early and dealt with very radically with surgery…I have confindance in the technology and doctors.
I am not feeling pressure from her illness. At least not consciously.

That does pose some interesting questions though. I told her for now that there is time to decide, and that I am not going to say yes or no until the time comes…and even with all this time, I still feel like I need to make a decision now…

Anything can change in a year right? I may just be ok with the idea in a year…right?

14

She may come to her senses when she realizes just how many people won’t be able go due to the expense - $2,000 a person, that right there will stop many from attending.

15

My best friend had breast cancer 2X.

The second time was very scary, it was an aggressive tumor and the treatment was much more aggressive also.

Even when she appeared to “be OK” she was very, very different and very, very demanding. Extremely unreasonable.

I can’t even imagine what she was going through. Even though I was with her every step of the way and went to every single chemo treatment and Dr, appt., she was off the charts in her behavior.

I went to counseling and the counselor advised that her behavior was disease driven (heck I knew THAT) but I should not allow her to abuse me. People fighting such a scary disease cannot empathize.

What I did was just ignore it. I did not react anymore, I did not try to argue or convince her…I just never left her side. Once she completed her treatments and she started feeling better she became her old self.

My advice is you already told her YOUR feelings and they are valid. She is unable to empathize so just tell her you will think about it. This is happening in a future distant enough that it should suffice for now anyway.

16

As you said it’s a ways out in the future. I wouldn’t give a definitive no yet. She may change her mind and it also gives you time to save money if she doesn’t. I am usually glad when I go out of my comfort zone for a friend or family and don’t normally have a bad time as I feared and usually have a pretty good time as well as the memories.

17

It is funny you say this…

When her and I first met, it was cause of Girl Guides…we were Brownie leaders together…

One of our girls not only had been though cancer, but her mom was swiftly declining with cancer as well.

Rebecca at the end of the year decided to call ALL the parents and just let them know how close their girl was to having badges that we had mostly completed over the year…nothing pressuring…just a little “hey, look how close you got! You could get 5 badges just by doing…” Well…when she finally got to this one mother, she went ape on Rebecca…telling her how horrible it was to call so close to the end of the year, and all the stuff that there was no time for, etc etc etc. Basically tore her the proverbial “new one”. Poor Rebecca came to me practically in tears, proclaiming that she thought she was offering a friendly service…and that she didn’t mean it to sound like anything bad…

I explained to her that this mother was under a lot of health stress and that it was nothing personal. Just that she had lots on her mind, and Rebecca just called at the wrong time…

Shortly later that mother died…

That memory has never left me…and I am sure it has not left Rebecca. She is surprizingly lvl headed about all of this…she has done A LOT of growing up in the last few weeks since finding out about her cancer…

18

Are you very sure this person is really your friend? Because a friend would understand your limitations and not insist on you doing something that would be very uncomfortable. A friend would accept your answers and not keep asking. I get sick on anything that moves and I can’t take extreme heat either, so I understand where you’re coming from.

19

ok…the most recent discussion went like this

Me “but do keep in mind I asked you for one day, you are asking me to take a vacation”

Her “shrug I never asked you to change your plans to make me happy…I don’t even care if I was ‘happy’ cause it was your day.”

You know…she is just laying on the guilt trip…

20

Geez, you know, just cause you have cancer or any other disease doesn’t give you the right to act the way she’s acting. Again, your wedding was one day, her’s - more than a day. So her response doesn’t even belong in the conversation. There’s no comparison. I’m sorry she’s being this way. I wish I could tell you what I’d say to her, but I don’t think it would come across very nice.

I guess in the end if you don’t want to go, then don’t go. (I know, easier for me to say) I think it’s wrong for someone to ask you to spend that much money for their wedding. And then when you tell her you can’t afford it she responds that way. Isn’t it the bride or grooms responsibility to see that out of town guests don’t have to pay for the trip? Or am I still living in the ‘old days’?