Wow. There was nothing wrong with her asking, but her attitude now is incredibly selfish. Not much of a friend IMO.
My daughter’s best friend from HS that she is still good friends with is getting married in Hawaii in September. My daughter lives in DC. She told my daughter that while she really wanted her there she would completely understand if she couldn’t afford it or couldn’t make it. That’s a [I][U]true[/U][/I] friend.
Yeah…it really has become a guilt mechinizism. Sort of a “well I came to your wedding, so if you don’t come to mine, then you aren’t a good friend” type of deal.
Most of my friends I have talked to say it is too much to ask. But I was talking to one friend (mutual to both of us) that made me feel really small.
She said I had a tone of someone who was just making excuses, and that friendship and showing you care sometimes requires you to get out of your comfort zone. She also went on to say that my fears, although valid, can’t be anything in comparison to “facing my own mortality” and going through what she is going through.
Again…It made me feel kinda petty…my response about the cancer thing was “I am not giving her any ‘special’ treatment. I am not going to treat her like a dying person” (which she is doing really well…I am sure she will get out of this with flying colours! not that I don’t see the realness of the situation…I do!)
What started as a simple request seems to be turning into a brow beating contest. The more pressure that gets put on the situation, the more I want to run from it.
I asked a simple question…would she consider having the ceremony at home, and the honeymoon on a cruise, she said no (which is fair, it is her wedding) as she didn’t want to many ppl there, which immediatly turned into “which is tantamount to your not wanting to come, right?”
So here it stands, I am an insensitive selfish jerk who won’t even make an effort to think about coming to her wedding. But really…beyond saying “I would really like to be there, but I find the arrangements really really really out of my comfort zone. I won’t say yes or no right now, cause time can change things” be anymore honest/effort making? I have even said “I will be at the shower, help you pick out the dress…knit you a shall (and boob) to match your dress and be there to throw you a party when you get back” how much more can you be there for someone? sigh
Maybe I am an insensitive heartless selfish jerk!
You are not an insensitive heartless selfish jerk!! If you were you wouldn’t be worrying about all of it. It is very selfish of anyone to expect guest to pay $2000 to attend a wedding. My $.02 is tell her you would rather not talk about your attending for awhile. You obviously don’t agree , maybe between now and then something will change. I really hope something can be worked out!
Big hugs!!!
Isn’t it funny (not ha ha funny) how you can ask 10 (I’m picking a number here) people the same question and 9 agree with you and the 1 who doesn’t, that’s the one we focus on?!! I do it all the time too, so don’t feel bad. But in reality, she’s asking too much and not being nice about it. 9 out of 10 people agree with you and it boils down to what your gut is telling you to do, even if your heart doesn’t agree.
Go with your gut, it’s never wrong.
It is so true…
And I am easily guilted. I feel bad if I am being a “bad friend” whether the accusations are true or not…
The big problem is I feel angry for being put on the spot, and upset for feeling the way I do…it is a vicious circle really…
I think you have a good point there Bailsmom…leave it alone…
in the mean time I can look into what kind of medication might help with getting on a plane and being away from home…
At least that might be a fair showing that I am trying… shrugs
Thank you for making me feel like this isn’t all my fault!
Ok…
She started the convo AGAIN sigh
I told her that we should not worry about it now…and she said
"This IS the time to talk about it…" She wants to get married NEXT Dec…
I asked her to confirm what the $2000 was for (does it include travel, is it per person, or for both me and my husband…)
Apparently it is per person, without travel!
She didn’t say anything when I said it was a bit steep
bangs her head on the wall
I feel backed into a corner…
If I tell her no…she is going to pout and kick and scream and throw an adult tantrum…
If I go…and succum to her will…I am becoming bitter, and resentful!
cries
December 2010?
What would happen if you told you need at least 2 weeks to do some research – costs of flights, cruise, bridal gear, etc. – and to talk to your DH without her asking you again. If she asks again, it will be an automatic “no”. The least she could do is give you time to research the actual costs involved from your end.
The pressure tactics are too much and not very kind of her. How many other people have said they will definitely do this for them?
Ha…funny you say this…that is exactly what I said to her…I said
(as per discussed above) Lets not talk about this now, there is lots of time, and a lot of unknowns…
She doesn’t want to talk to my DH about it…it will end very badly! She is super sensitive with the emotional limit of a two year old. DH has absolutly NO tact and will lay every thing out as it is, with not a hint of caring in his voice which will send her into a tailspin. He wants to talk to her though…cause he sees what it is doing to me…
I don’t know…the answer seems simple…tell her no…
My way of dealing with it all, is to lay it out to her and tell her how I am feeling. This was my way of saying no with out saying no. I have now been told twice that my method results in my sounding like I am just making up a bunch of excuses.
Even she is just going on like a plane is no big deal. It can be overcomed…She thinks, that I should want to be there no matter what. PPl keep going on about how safe planes are. The point is not how safe it is…it is about there being NO ESCAPE. For the same reason I can’t be in a crowd, it is the feeling of not being able to escape.
I told her a lot of things this last talk…like I would be saying the same thing to my sister, or best friend…like I would rather be honest and upfront with you and say I don’t know if I can go, rather than nodding my head and saying I will be there, when there is a chance I might not. Both things she had no answer for…
I also told her that I am so happy for her! That just because I am not open to going away, doesn’t mean I do care just as much. etc…
I don’t know…she is just as frustraited with me as I am with her…she is just of the mind that if you are my friend, you would do this for me, no matter how uncomfortable you are…
Yes though…it is going to be a huge expense, and it is funny, when I talk to her, it is the last thing on my mind cause I am so paranoid about every thing else. I have even said I will go see my doc and see about meds…but yes…the money thing will remain an issue too…unfortunatly…it will sound like more of an excuse!
It seems like I keep beating the same horse everytime I bring it up…and we are both at our wits end…
I feel like I am backed into a corner with no way out…and it is trapping me in my own head…the options are “go” or “disappoint her beyond the earth moon and skies” She has waited so long, and I don’t want to disappoint her…however she acts like a wounded puppy everytime I try to tell her. And it seems that for all my “excuses” that anything else I have to say on the matter would just be another “excuse”
If I have DH talk to her…that might be the end of the friendship…but it might be the only way out of it…I don’t know…
(for the record, her and DH used to date, in fact she was the one that introduced us…they broke up for a good reason! smiles)
:wall:
:hair:
:gah:
I feel so badly for you. It’s hard to understand your friend’s reasoning and the frantic pressure she’s put on you. In my opinion, it’s an over-the-top request. She has the option of having a small, even private, ceremony at home before leaving on the cruise. Who has to know but those she chooses to invite? Or she can invite everyone and not buy into the huge party aspect–keep it simple like weddings used to be. Everyone is aware that she is having the ceremony there so they can share it. Either way, anyone she truly wants to be with her can attend without so much stress and pressure.
She’s backing you into making a decision sooner than is necessary–just to end all these discussions and give you some peace. It will be sad if she thinks it ends the “friendship,” but telling too. If she’s your friend, even if she gets really mad, she’ll be back.
I hope this resolves soon, for your sake.
Medication to survive the long flight, a/c to survive the heat, anger and resentment for your “friend” who is putting you through this, and $5000+ to foot the bill for all that… really??
Maybe it’s my age, but I’d sit her down and tell her that you know this is important to her, but what she is doing to you her best friend is insulting and insensitive. Weddings last a few hours, friendship should last a lifetime. This girl needs to grow up and stop being bridezilla. :hair:
Ok…
I think I have elivated some stress here…
I decided I was in too much stress to carry on this way…every time we have/had this conversation…
So I called her up and said, we have to hit this straight on…cause we are both getting unnessissarily upset…and I am talking to everyone but you about it…!
In the end, I told her it was a lot of money…
I said “setting EVERYTHING else aside…it is a lot of money.”
She said that they would be able to help out, and I said, that DH was only willing to spend about $1000. She said that we probably couldn’t get anywhere on that, but seemed to accept that.
In the end, I said that we really can’t make any final decisions until she has more answers. I said I am willing to do some leg work on what we can do to get there…but she needs to find an actual cost, and we can talk about it then.
After what was a somewhat awkward, and difficult 1 hour convo, I think we did get some things cleared up…and I think we both felt better about it…
At least for now…
I think she now understands that it is a big finacial overload…but I think she now feels that I would make an effort to go…even if in the end I can’t afford it…
sigh
Tough talk…but totally worth it for my Mental health!
Good for you, it’s a good start!
That’s so good. I was worried about you. It has to mean a lot to her that you do want to be with her and will see if there is a way to do it. You’re so right, though…it really is a lot of money.
I am wondering if she was just totally blocking on the money issue before, cause she seemed to think that it was a lot of money when we were talking…
Sort of like she was hearing it for the first time…even though I know it wasn’t
I am not sure if this good vibe will last please let it last but man…it really did relieve a lot of tension…
Thanks for the concern…I totally felt like a rock and a hard place there. I mean…what do you do? For me, even if she was/is being unreasonable, or a bad friend, it doesn’t mean I want to hurt her feelings…and I am glad we sort of at least skirted the issue!
Now…she mentioned (jokingly) wanting to Elope…I told her she really should (based on my wedding dramas)…that would make my life perfect!
Heres hoping!
That’s true progress when you start laughing about it together! It will all work out in time. You’re a good friend.
Crycket I can think of nothing worst than guilt-mail (black mail based on guilt) from a friend or loved one. If that is the only way to get someone to do what you want there is a problem with the request.
You seem to be working this out and keep talking to her hopefully you can remain friends.
A few thoughts came to mind as I read this.
Rather than fly could you take a train or as a lower choice a bus. I don’t know what port the cruise leaves from but I assume the East Cost of the US. There is Amtrak service from Toronto to New York and from New York to Washington, DC, Charleston, Savannah, Jacksonville, Orlando, Tampa/Miami. This could get you most of the way with out flying. Rent a car in Orlando and drive to Miami (assuming this is the port the cruise leave from). Yes the train may take a couple of days versus a couple of hours by plane. But these days would be relaxing with your new husband watching the scenery and knitting.
As for your dear husband, if his problem with boats is sea sickness, have him talk to his doctor, there is a patch that is supposed to be very good for sea sickness. Put it on a few days before leaving and it works for the length of the cruise.
Please know that I do not disagree with your position! If I heard my bride to be talking to her best friend like this before my wedding (I’m been married for 31 years) I would have become very angry and had a long talk with her.
You must do what is right for you and your husband, once that is decided don’t look back or second guess.
LOL…guilt-mail…
It is so true!
I think no matter what…in the end, it will be too much money…and I was hoping that I left her with that impression…
Does that sound horrible? To tell her that I will do everything I can to see if I can go, but, know all the while that I probably won’t be there…
DH is pretty firm…we won’t spend more than $1000 total. And I am sure, no matter how you slice it, there is going to be no way we can get down there on that! DH also won’t take any of her S*&t…but if there is an option…I don’t even want to be a fly in the room for that convo!
Thank you too…we were trying to think of the name of the American train company…
She had opened up the last frustraiting convo with “well you wouldn’t even come if we got married in Edmonton” (a few provinces over) because we would still have to fly to get in there…
I said “no, I could take a train”
She said,“a train would take a week, and cost just as much as the plane”
I said “no, my mom used to visit her dad in British Columbia (one province further over) and go for a March Break or so, there is no way it took a week!”
So we looked it up…it takes 2 days…No Problem…so I mention this and she says “Oh I give up, it isn’t even an option, I just wanted to point out that you wouldn’t come either way!”
I said the Edmonton trip would be so much better, I don’t have to leave the country, It won’t be hot, it can be reached easily by train, would not require me to be there for a full week, and even if it did, DH has family out there to visit (not to mention the worlds biggest mall is out there too!)
sigh…but again…that was before the “lets talk this out” convo!
She did tell me I can’t live my life in a box though (in a nice way) and I said “yes I can!”…
I forgot the heat issue. There is a product that uses absorbent crystals and cools by evaporation. Soak it in water and wear around the back of the next. As the blood flows to the head and back again the evaporation cools the blood and the rest of you.
One maker of these bandannas is here.
Soak the bandanna in a bowl of water until the crystals absorb the water, pull out and let it sit on a towel a few minutes to let the surface water to run off. Put around your neck and enjoy. I find they do work and if surface water is allowed to run off it does not drip.
If you have a couple one can be on you neck, one in the bowl for the next use and one just in case.
I think I have heard of those before…it sounds familiar…thanks for the reminder…