[size=6]A Love Story … with a message![/size]
[i]I SHALL SEEK AND FIND YOU…
I SHALL TAKE YOU TO BED AND HAVE MY WAY WITH YOU…
I WILL MAKE YOU ACHE, SHAKE AND SWEAT UNTIL YOU MOAN AND GROAN.
I WILL MAKE YOU BEG FOR MERCY…BEG FOR ME TO STOP.
I WILL EXHAUST YOU TO THE POINT THAT YOU WILL BE RELIEVED WHEN I’M FINISHED WITH YOU.
AND YOU WILL BE WEAK FOR DAYS.
ALL MY LOVE.
THE FLU[/i]
Now get your mind out of the gutter…
And get your flu shot!!!
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Brilliant!!
This is so funny!!
Oh I didn’t need to see that last one! :shock: oh my eyes!
After my youngest son was born I had talked about getting my tubes tied and my 7year old must have heard me and one day in the check out line at the grocery store he said " Mom I bet you don’t dare to have your tubes tied" everyone in line turned around at once and he said “oh no is tubes tied a bad word?” :??
:lol: Kids… you never know when they’re actually listening to you LOL… :rollseyes:
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That video is hilarious! Thanks Danielle! 
I LOVE that many people dont even think it ODD that the picture booth is TALKING to them! :roflhard:
:roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: awesome!
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. I have been using the bathroom for years–canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
They live here. You don’t.
If you don’t want hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That’s why they call it "fur"niture .)
I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and does not speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they: eat less, don’t ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don’t hang out with drug-using friends, don’t smoke or drink, don’t worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don’t wear your clothes , don’t need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell their children…
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:cheering: :cheering: :cheering:
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I love the Darwin Awards…
Don’t know if this is the official announcement, but -
Yes, it’s that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are
bestowed, honoring the least Evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious
winners."
Darwin Award Winners:
When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did
something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried
the trigger again. This time it worked. And now, the honorable mentions:
The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men
to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The
chef’s claim was approved.
A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during
a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken
the space. Understandably, he shot her.
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from
Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the
driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free
ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the
staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.
An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head
wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the
injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he
could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter,
and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled
a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly
provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20
bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer?$15.
If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)
Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
he’d just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at
the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the
head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of
Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed
her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able
to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the
police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to
the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there
for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s
the lady I stole the purse from.”
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded
cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash
register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk
said they weren’t available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked
away.
A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
I think the last one is my favorite. I wouldn’t have pressed charges, either.
I love the Darwin Awards, too. 
:roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard: Gotta love the Darwins!!
Love it. 
Love the Darwins!! :roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard:
Okay, I didn’t look through every page, so I hope this isn’t a repeat. Got this one today and loved it!
The Inheritance
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly,
widowed father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
So one evening, he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most
beautiful woman he’d ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
“I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said, as he walked up to her,
“but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.”
The woman went home with Charles that evening, and three days later,
she became his stepmother.
When will men learn?