OT: Joke thread

Lounge
481

A recent bride called her mother one evening in tears.

“Oh, Mom, I tried to make Grandma’s meat loaf for dinner tonight, and it’s just awful! I followed the recipe exactly, and I know I have the recipe right because it’s the one you gave me. But it just didn’t come out right, and I’m so upset. I wanted this to be so special for George because he loves meat loaf. What could have gone wrong?”

Her mother replied soothingly, “Well, dear, let’s go through the recipe. You read it out loud and tell me exactly what you did at each step, and together we’ll figure it out.”

“Okay,” the bride sniffled. “Well, it starts out, ‘Take fifty cents worth of ground beef’…”

1 Like
482

Reading your cooking joke reminded me of this story.
[I](Not really a joke, but still funny.) I can’t remember where I saw it…probably Reader’s Digest.[/I]

A young bride was nervous about preparing their first Thanksgiving meal, especially since her new in-laws would be coming. Her biggest concern was making the gravy…she had tried making gravy before, and it always turned out lumpy.

The turkey was perfect, the pumpkin pie smelled wonderful, and the cranberry salad was excellent. Even her mashed potatoes looked good! Now, it was time to make the gravy…

Try as she might, she could NOT get rid of the lumps. While still struggling at the stove, she heard the doorbell ring. With much frustration, she proclaimed (to no one in particular), “How do I get rid of these LUMPS?!” Eureka!! A thought came to her…just pour it through a strainer!!!

Quickly, she grabbed a strainer and poured the gravy through…and watched every drop of her precious gravy go down the drain of their sink. All she had left were the lumps.
:teehee:

1 Like
483

Sandy, I did that once while making chicken broth, poured the good stuff down the sink :oops: :verysad: :doh:

484

You poor thing! :pout: :teehee:

I did something funny with cooking once. We were entertaining the pastor and his wife and son. I was making shish-kabobs for the first time. The meat was great, but the veggies were CRUNCHY! I didn’t know you were supposed to pre-cook them before putting them on the skewers for the grill. ha!

485

Dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:

“Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?”
“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”
“What sort of trouble?”
“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”
“Went away?”
“They disappeared.”
“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”
“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”
“How do I tell?”
“Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”
“What’s a sea-prompt?”
“Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”
“There isn’t any cursor, I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”
“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”
“What’s a monitor?”

“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”

“I don’t know.”
“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”

“Yes, I think so.”
“Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”

“…Yes, it is.”
“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”
“No.”
“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”
"…Okay, here it is."
“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”
“I can’t reach.”
“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”
“No.”
“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”
“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle - it’s because it’s dark.”
“Dark?”
“Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”

“Well, turn on the office light then.”
“I can’t.”
“No? Why not?”
“Because there’s a power outage.”

“A power… A power outage? Ah, Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”

“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”

“Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”

“Really? Is it that bad?”
“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”
“Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.”

1 Like
486

Who would have thought…

…that when you wished your kids didn’t need you so much, you would someday wish that they did?

…that when there wasn’t enough time in the day, you might someday wonder how to fill your free time?

…that when you couldn’t wait to get your driver’s license, you would someday try to decide when to give it up?

…that you would finally have more than enough stuff?

…that grandchildren grow even faster than children?

…that when people told you to enjoy your (time, education, job, kids, friends, health, spouse, etc.), you would someday realize why?

…that some people are grateful no matter what, and some are ungrateful no matter what?

…that when you struggled to make ends meet, they finally would?

…that each day can be a blessing and a chance to be a blessing to others?

…that a smile, a touch and a listening ear are worth more than expensive presents?

…that there’s always something new to learn?

…that you would never get tired of watching a sunset, a rainbow, or a baby’s first steps?

…that the best things in life ARE free?

…that a funny or inspiring e-mail would be the best way to start the day?

487

Saw this on the Yarn Harlots blog today. :roflhard:

There’s this great guy down on his luck, who goes desperately to church to beg God for help. He walks in, falls on his knee and prays. “Please help me. I’m broke, my family needs help, I’m too old to work… please… let me win the lottery.” He goes away, doesn’t win the lottery. The next week he’s back in church. “Please help me. Please. I really, really need to win the lottery. I have no other option. I’m desperate. Please, please help me.” He doesn’t win. He can’t hardly believe it. Here he has ultimate faith and he’s being let down. Buddy goes back a third time, and this time he’s wracked with grief and desperation. He prostrates himself on the ground and says “Why Lord? Why? Why won’t you help me? I’ve been good my whole life. A good man. A good husband, a good father, a good citizen. I’ve done everything I can to deserve this, and now when the chips are down and my beautiful wife and I are eating cat food - and not much of it, let me tell you… now you abandon me. Please. Please… let me win the lottery.”

Out of the blue, he is answered. As he lays there sobbing, wondering why he hasn’t won the lottery, a voice comes from above. The voice, booming and resonant declares “For crying out loud man. Meet me halfway. BUY A TICKET.”

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488

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said,

“I am a Father.”

The little boy replied, “My daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.”

The priest looked up from his book and answered, “I am the Father of many.”

The boy said, “My dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way.”

The priest, getting impatient, said, “I am the Father of hundreds,” and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said:

"Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.

1 Like
489

You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where…

  1. You are willing to park three blocks away because you found shade.
  2. You’ve experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
  3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
  4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
  5. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open the oven door.
  6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can live in California where…

  1. You make over $250,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
  2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
  3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
  4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
  5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there, rather than how many miles away it is.
  6. The four seasons are: fire, flood, mud, and drought.

You can live in New York City where…

  1. You say “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
  2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
  3. You think Central Park is “nature”.
  4. You think that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
  5. You’ve worn out a car horn.
  6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can live in Maine where…

  1. You have only four spices: salt, pepper, Ketchup, and Tabasco.
  2. Halloween costumes fit over Parkas.
  3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
  4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
  5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can live in the deep South where…

  1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
  2. “y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.
  3. “he needed killin’” is a valid defense.
  4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.

You could live in Colorado where…

  1. You carry your $4,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
  2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
  3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
  4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where…

  1. You’ve never met any celebrities, but the Mayor knows your name.
  2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
  3. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.
  4. You end sentences with a preposition, “Where’s my coat at?”
  5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, “It was different!”

AND you can live in Florida where…

  1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
  2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind…even houses and cars.
  3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
  4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
  5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
490

  1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear
    your computer history if you die.

  2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
    realize you’re wrong.

  3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was
    younger.

  4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

  5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

  6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

  7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I’m pretty
    sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

  8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
    person died.

  9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

  10. Bad decisions make good stories.

  11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
    when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for
    the rest of the day.

  12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I
    don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.

  13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me
    if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear
    I did not make any changes to.

  14. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this –
    ever.

  15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn
    it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to
    voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run
    away?

  16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not
    seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

  17. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
    answer when they call.

  18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well…

  19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
    Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

1 Like
491

:slight_smile:

492

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

:yay:

493
  1. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

494

SHARE THIS GREAT CHRISTMAS COOKIE RECIPE WITH YOUR FRIENDS!

JOSE CUERVO CHRISTMAS COOKIES

1 cup of water

1 tsp baking soda

1 cup of sugar

1 tsp salt

1 cup or brown sugar

4 large eggs

1 cup nuts

2 cups of dried fruit

1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl,

check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality,

pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter

in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point

it’s best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try another

cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup

of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry

it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves

a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can

find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall

over.

Don’t forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the

Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.

Cherry Mistmas and Yappy Hew Near:cheering:

495

Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurting-- even the mouse.

The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.

Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while
Upstairs the family continued to snore.

And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
Went into the kitchen and started to clean.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.

The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said “U.S. POSTMAN.”

With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.

Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:

"Now Dillard’s, now Broadway’s, now Penny’s and Sears
Here’s Levitz’s and Target’s and Mervyn’s – all here!!

To the tip or your limit, every store, every mall,
Now chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!"

He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.

He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.

Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
“ENJOY WHAT YOU GOT … YOU’LL BE PAYING ALL YEAR!”

1 Like
496

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died

Oh, but they do!

Urban Legend on Darwin Awards website:

25 March 1993)
A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man killed by his own gas. There were no marks found on his body, but an autopsy revealed the presence of large amounts of methane dissolved in his blood.

His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage, just the right combination of foods to produce a severe gas attack. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed.

Had his windows been open, the flatulence wouldn’t have been fatal, but the man was shut up in a nearly airtight bedroom. He was an obese man with an unlimited capacity for creating the deadly gas. Three rescuers became sick and one was hospitalized.

My boyfriend absolutely loves reading The Darwin Awards.

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497

Q What do you give a reindeer with an upset tummy?
A Elk-a-seltzer!

Q Why does Scrooge love all of the reindeer?
A Because every buck is dear to him!

Q Who sings “Blue Christmas” and makes toy guitars?
A Elfis!

Q What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A Black mail !

Q What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?
A Thanks, I’ll never part with it!

Q Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney?
A Because it soots him !

Q Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Q What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
A Okay everyone, sack time!!

Q What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
A Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

Q What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
A Ribbon hood.

Q What happened when the snowwoman got angry at the snowman?
A She gave him the cold shoulder.

Q What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed?
A A cookie sheet!

and Finally..

Q Why are Christmas trees such bad knitters?
A They are always dropping their needles.

498

Two boys are playing hockey on the pond on Boston Common, when one is attacked by a vicious Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy took his hockey stick and managed to wedge it down the dog’s collar and twist, luckily breaking the dog’s neck and stopping its attack.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

“Young Bruins Fan Saves friend from Vicious Animal…” he starts writing in his notebook.

“But, I’m not a Bruins Fan,” the little hero replied. “Sorry, since we’re in Boston, I just assumed you were,” said the reporter and starts again.

“Patriots Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific attack…” he continued writing in his notebook.

“I’m not a Patriots fan either!” The boy said.

“I assumed everyone in Boston was either for the Bruins or the Patriots. So, what team do you root for?” the reporter asked.

“I’m a Giants fan!” the child beamed. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes:

“Little Jerk from New York Kills Beloved Family Pet.”

1 Like
499

My mother just shared this joke with me:

[FONT=Arial][SIZE=3][FONT=Arial][I]My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall… [/I][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][SIZE=3][FONT=Arial][I]He approached a uniformed security guard and said, [/I][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Arial][SIZE=3][FONT=Arial][I]“I’ve lost my grandpa!” [/I][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][SIZE=3][FONT=Arial][I]The guard asked, “What’s he like?” [/I][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][SIZE=3][FONT=Arial][I]The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied, [/I][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][SIZE=3][FONT=Arial][I]“Jack Daniel whiskey and women with big boobs.”[/I][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT]

500

:roflhard: