I’ve finally come to the point where I embrace my “hermitness”.
I’ve tried to make friends, but most of the time I end up getting hurt, or saying the wrong thing. Also, most of the girl “friends” I’ve had in the past didn’t like me the way I was. They always wanted to change me.
I guess I’m just no good at real friendships. I’m fine with casual relationships, but nothing much deeper than that.
But, I REALLY TRULY love my husband, and we are SO compatible together. I’ve never had a relationship like this with anyone else in the world. Not even with my own children.
He has a hermit personality also, so we live together happily in our little shell.
I’m sure if something ever happens to him, I’ll be devastated. :pout:
The good thing is that I have LOTS of online friends here in the KH forum.
I’m slowly coming to terms with my hermitness too. It used to bother me that I didn’t want to be around people because I watched my sister, who is the total oposite, have this bubbly personality and always having people around here and I wanted that too. Now I know I didn’t want that because I truely wanted it myself but more because it was expected, it meant you are popular and it would have made me fit within the “norm” so to speak.
Every now and then I still feel that way and then I ask myself: do you really want to be around all these people or do you just want that because evyerone has that? and it’s always the latter of those two. So I’ve now decided that for me to be normal means that I need alone time.
I’m a lot like how one of you decribed your husband: alone time charges me and makes me happy and content. I can be social but I need to know upfront so I can “prepare” myself for the effort of the smalltalk and what not.
People often tell my boyfriend after an social event, that they think I’m a nice lady, levelheaded and so very friendly so I guess I must be faking it rather well
But to be honest: I don’t really like fact that it costs me so much energy to interact with people. I don’t even think I could live with my boyfriend 24/7 and he is one of the few people I can take almost anything from.
This sometimes causes problems because we’ve been together for over 3 years and for him living together would mean the next step in making it more serious (we’re both over 30 so maybe he has a point). Sofar he’s been patient in waiting untill I’m ready and I worry I may let him down at some point because I don’t see this living-together thing happen any time soon.
I have told him that when we first got involved and he said it wasn’t a problem but I can see it slowly becoming one…
Anyway, my point being: for me there is a HUGE difference between being alone and being lonely and if being alone doesn’t make you lonely, I think there isn’t that much to worry about.
When I got married at 19 years old, I was always so worried about what people thought of me. I wanted to be accepted and loved the way I was, but most people didn’t treat me well. My first husband was very mean to me, always criticizing me, and telling me that my hair was all wrong, my clothes were all wrong. I think he was mostly upset, because he wanted us to “fit in” with everyone else, and I was different.
He was ALWAYS bringing people home from college or work to visit us. It was exhausting for me to deal with all these different people all the time. I thought something was wrong with me, because I was always uncomfortable with the visitors.
But, now I know myself better, and realize that it was not my nature to want to be with people all the time.
I heard a radio talk one evening on NPR where a psychologist said that some people RECEIVE energy from being in a crowd, and others LOSE energy in a crowd. My first husband was the first type, and I was the second type. That’s why we had so much trouble getting along. :roll:
Needless to say, our marriage did NOT last. We were just too different. He married someone else, and they are much better suited to each other. They have people over all the time, and seem to enjoy it.
I don’t mind visiting with people occasionally, but if I do it too often, I start to go wacky inside. I NEED my alone time.
When I met Marvin 7 years ago, I finally found my soulmate. He and I both prefer to be alone. So, we are happy as clams together.
It shows, yet again, that people come in all shapes and sizes and that ususally there are others just like you but you just don’t know about this.
I knew there were others who don’t get energy from being around other people but that there are so many just in this group alone already, I had no idea!
I hope it makes you feel a little better to see that you aren’t the only one
I knew there were others who don’t get energy from being around other people but that there are so many just in this group alone already, I had no idea!
I’ve always said that we “antisocial butterflies” are a silent minority, but maybe we’re actually in the majority and we’re just too quiet and self-conscious about it?
Social folks are threatened by hermits. That’s why they try to make us feel bad about not wanting to “get together” all the time. They need other people to feel complete, but we don’t. If we become more secure (and vocal) in our solitary ways, we’re going to give those outgoing types all kinds of grief. Not on purpose, of course, it’s just how we are.
Can you imagine how different our society would be if solitude was as accepted as socializing? :noway:
I can’t really say it’s a conscious choice, it just always happened that way. I spend a lot of time with my boyfriend, and I absolutely love the relationship we have together. Everything is easy with him! Otherwise, I’m not the type of person who will knock at a friend’s door just for coffee and chat, because I don’t like to talk about my personal life. I have 2-3 very good friends with whom I keep contact with. I must say however that when my neighbour, who is also a very dear friend, told me she was moving very far away, I was sad. But then again, I didn’t do anything special, didn’t invite her over more, or didn’t go out more. :oops: I can’t explain why… I think I’m just not like that. :shrug: However, she knows she is welcome in my house any time, and I know I can visit her too.
This friend told me extremely personal things and I know she would like me to do the same with her. But well, I just can’t. When my ex-boyfriend and I broke up, I didn’t tell anyone until it was all said and done. Nobody knew we had problems. And when I started going out with my current boyfriend, I didn’t tell anyone until a few weeks after!
Everybody talk about the virtue of talking to friends about problems, but my experience is that problems can become a lot more complicated when you involve others. :shrug: First, I’m not sure it makes you see things more clear. Some friends who tell me their problems end up making up weird interpretations that have nothing to do with reality, and if you try to make them come back to reality, they hate it. :roll: Also, the “poor-poor-you” sometimes can be bad, as it puts you in a “victim’s” position that can be too comfortable for people with affective problems. I hope I don’t sound too unsensitive… :oops: I just think it’s better to try to identify your feelings before going to a friend. Otherwise, it’s rarely constructive. But well, maybe it’s just me. :teehee:
me too…right now i only have DH… leetah75… and another buddy from singapore…that all…yup NAdja too…
i was bully alot during school days… so…i felt blessed to have them though…and the thought of knitting so much and breatheing fresh air every morning makes me a happy person…
This has been a great thread - I wasn’t sure what to call myself, but I’m thinking this hermit thing fits. I’ve always been quiet, and it took a long time for me to be okay with that. And like some of you, I ended up being hurt so often when I was younger that by the time I hit college, I had this gigantic wall around me. Early on, my friends always came to me with problems, but didn’t necessarily give back, and didn’t always count me in when they didn’t need something. I got this need to be needed complex :?? And that’s just not healthy! Even when I met my husband, I had a hard time seeing what he wanted from me - he didn’t NEED me. :teehee: I’ve gotten better since then, though. I always have casual friendships at work, but those relationships end soon after the job does, no matter what my intentions. And now, with kids, I just don’t have the time or energy. I sometimes feel like I should be one of those moms who have lots of friends with kids so there’s a big playgroup for my kids, but I’m getting to the point where I want them to learn to be comfortable with themselves, and part of that is me being comfortable and accepting of me. I don’t know - haven’t completely resolved it yet, but it’s nice to know I’m in such good company here!
Many years ago I loved to go to parties and had many friends…but then I became sick (Lyme disease) and the friends vanished.
I also lost my job and my hermit-time began.
And by and by the rare “social events” became annoying and boring to me…everybody feels so really important and everybody is talking shallow. No, I don’t need such events no more.
We live a very solitary life, but it’s ok for us
We both have no problems with that and we do not feel lonely. We like to be alone at home and to have some peace and quiet. Often I switch-off the phone because I don’t want to talk to “someone out there”.
And though I do not go to work my life doesn’t bore me! Every day I have thousand things to do and boredom? What’s that??? :teehee:
I am glad I started this topic too. I began this thread feeling so sad and left out and wishing I was different. Thinking there was something wrong with me. But you have all proven otherwise. The reason people may not know about the hermits so much is because… we are hermits. We don’t need to tell people we are there, and have little desire too. So how else would anyone know?
Shandeh what you said is so true. About people getting or losing energy from crowds. I have always had to work myself up to go out with my friends. Even in high school. I always knew I’d enjoy myself, and stuff. But the idea of going out and talking and whatnot was exhausting enough… Actually doing it was doubly so.
I value the relationships I do have, but I value even more the fact that they aren’t close enough to truly hurt me. I used to have true blue best friends (one at a time.), who I would trust everything too. And time after time I would get burned. Eventually I just stopped letting myself become very close with any one person. It was never easy for me to begin with, and after being burned it just seemed pointless…
I said it before, but I truly have what I need in my FH. He has the perfect matching personality to mine, and we live so easily. There was nothing difficult about ‘us’. From day 1 it was just like breathing.
I have my social circle, but I keep them as online as possible. They drag me out a handful of times a year to ‘party’ and stuff, and in the summer I can live in my one friend’s pool. (She invites me over, strictly for it. I am the only other person she knows who can sit in a pool for 10 hours and just float and that what she LOOOVEs to do.) It isn’t so bad then because it is just me and her and it is outside and there is NO pressure to entertain or keep conversation. The pool does it all! lol.
I am getting rambly, but I am really glad to find out I am not alone after all.
I am hermit! Have been for many many years. I have my hubby to keep keep me company. My Dad is at the end of a phone line whenever I need him but no one else.
I was in a sewing class, got really sick and although they all said they’d keep in touch not one did. The only friend I did have, well, sorta dumped me. I didn’t feel like going out, had to start minding the pennies and she didn’t like that and moved on. It was always a relationship that she benifited from some when I got upset, My hubby and Dad said I’d be better off.
If it wasn’t for this forums ‘Off Topic’ section I would have no one to talk to. But I do miss girly chats, and no matter how much I go on at my DH he still won’t let me paint his nails!!
Take comfort in this wonderful place, I know I do.
I’ve met two of my closest friends right here on KH. Even though they are physically far away, I don’t feel lonesome without them. I live in another part of the country from my mom, college best friend, and HS best friend… we don’t get to see each other much, but when we do, we really make the most of our time.
