OT: I'm a Hermit

General Knitting
1

So today, after yet ANOTHER argument with a friend of mine, I began to take a good hard look at my life.

I notice I don’t have any real, honest, friends. The girl I fought with is someone I have known since grade 10, and we have always had a love/hate friendship for the last 7 years. She is my closest friend right now, and truth be told, I don’t really like her all that much.

I have a teeny group of friends (3) I never see, don’t want to see, never talk to and when I do go anywhere with them, I can’t wait to get home.

that’s not what friends are! Not by any fault of their own. They seem to like me, and enjoy my company, I just don’t have anything in common with them anymore. It seems I have changed… Not dramatically, I have always been somewhat of a recluse, but lately, it has become blaringly obvious, that I don’t want to have anything to do with them… But I have no one else as a friend.

It never bothered me before until tonight, when I realized I have no one but my mom and FH. I suddenly felt really lonely.

Anyone else here a hermit? Or a former hermit? I don’t wanna grow old with no one to talk to, (Tho FH is amazing and wonderful… it would be nice to have a woman for a friend)

I know alot of people made some of their best friendships from College or their Work… well, the one friend I made in college who I adore to the ends of the earth lives about 6 hours away, and work is full of teens and really old ladies who are bitter they have to work still…

sigh* I just feel so lost.

:verysad:

2

I have noticed something similar in my own life. I do not have someone in my life that I can call if I need to talk. Sometimes, I really wish I did have someone to talk to, not because I am in need, just for the company. In fact, I joined this forum intending to make friends. I felt that the common interest of knitting my lead to finding other common interests, and hopefully, eventually, a soulmate (or two, or three…)

I do not have a huge need for company - I’m a rather introverted bookish type. But occassionally, I’d like someone who makes me laugh. I get too serious when left to myself for very long.

I have noticed something else, too. I’m a TERRIBLE sleeper. If I can’t sleep, I settle for rest. If I can’t rest, I’ll settle for quiet. If I can’t get quiet, I’ll ISOLATE myself. That’s what I’ve been doing for YEARS now, compensating for exhaustion with isolation. And it’s not working for me.

Maybe you are pulling away from your friends for an entirely different reason than you think… ?

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3

At the very least, I understand how you feel about he extreme spectrum of friend resources there are… I to have immature 20 somethings at my new job that seem to think it’s ok to get drunk every night, call in sick or go home early hung over. And there’s a clique-y-ness that I am letting get the better of me. There are also people older than me that have their friends and I feel one or two don’t know how to at least be curteous and look me in the eye when I pass or at least look at me when I ask for help.I try to tell myself that perhaps they just have some personal issues and that they don’t mean to be that way, but even on my worst day, I still manage to say hello and make time when someone asks me a question. It’s hard to see those same cranks be all smiley and nice to the other people. Having a good rapport with people really makes a person’s day go better and having those types of extremes makes the job/life quite difficult. I am outgoing, but I am losing steam, I have thought perhaps I should just give up and do my own thing too. I too have thought long and hard that my desire to please everyone has also been my downfall and has really become a personality flaw…but at 37 I am angry that I have to be the one to have to change myself, or accept what goes on around me. I haven’t felt this helpless since I was in gradeschool and was the butt of everyone’s bullying and teasing.
It sucks doesn’t it? I do have some friends, but in the last year I just don’t feel like I want to make the effort sometimes. They are so full of advice that seems to be "you need to… " or “you should just…” and I want people to agree that things can suck and let’s make you feel better instead of being told what’s wrong with me or what I should do to change.
I’m sorry do be a downer, but I feel what you’re saying. It seems like everyone else’s issues and such bring you down…if seperating yourself from that is what you need, so be it. Other’s problems are toxic and can bring you down. Perhaps volunteering can give you the warm fuzzy feeling but do it such that you can just go, help out, and go home without getting involved in everyone’s lives? Like serve meals, or knit for babies at the hospital or kennel blankets for the humane society. You can deliver something meaningful, be appreciated, and then go bask in your good deed. :heart: :heart: :heart:
taking a class for fun might put you in touch with people with more common interests?

4

LOL I’m probably one of the old ladies :wink: but yes, I’ve lived a fairly hermit life existence and found a few months ago it simply wasn’t working for me any more. I think a lot of these issues are about what we think of ourselves and what self image we hold.

Sometimes also people change and move on. My best friend for 20 years became born again which I was fine with but she would not stop being evangelical and her conversations went from many topics to one. We struggled on for a year or so, have an awful argument, struggled again and I wound up calling a halt to it. I felt that in the end we had to accept that the differences had become too broad for us to find peace with each other.

I think the company of women can be great and maybe you could join a knitting and/or craft group or go and learn some sort of new skill at night or on weekends - really just for fun but also to expand your horizons.

I have lived in a rural setting for years and although I love it I now find I’m understimulated and am looking to move back to city - something I thought I would never do.

But part of the challenge is reconnecting with self and what image we hold of ourselves I think. To be helper but also to be helped :slight_smile: All the very best.

5

I too am in that group. I do not work so have no outlet there. We have never found a church we like so I have developed no friendships there. I know no one in this town except my dd and sil who are busy with their own lives and I really have nothing in common with my dd except my grandson anyway. I have an aquaintance or two in my neighborhood, but not social friends and don’t want them in the neighborhood I live in. So, I don’t even have an outlet for friends where I live now. I have several online friends, which I have a lovely and close relationship to and have never met. I have a wonderful husband and we do everything together so I don’t miss friends here in town of my own gender too much. I tried joining a group and that went down the tubes when they were into their own little groups and didn’t particularly welcome newcomers, although that is the aim of this particular “club.” We also own one car because I cannot see having two car payments when I have no where to go and can use the car anytime I wish. Consequently, I stay at home in my home most of the time. I guess at my age, I don’t mind it too much, but I do understand lonliness as I do get lonely sometimes, once in awhile I guess. I think we all have to find a comfort level for ourselves and if we aren’t comfortable with how our life is, we need to work to change it. Find a group of knitters in your area, a book club, something of that nature to make new friends. Do some volunteer work, that helps to meet new people too! If you like playing cards, find a card club, bridge groups something of that nature.

Faye

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Me too.

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Ohhh I so know what your saying… I won’t go into details, cause it’ll just make me sad. I never really had a problem with the no friends thing (and its going on 15 years now - since I left high school, I haven’t had a significant friend), but it’s just lately I’m really starting to feel the loneliness and wish I had a female companion or two. I think because I’ve been stuck at home now for 3 years as a SAHM, that it’s really hit me. I love my daughter, but I feel like I’ve lost the ability to speak ‘adult’ so it’s quite hard to even start conversations with people nowadays.

I have a car that just sits in the driveway all day, every day, caues I’ve never learnt how to drive, and I think sometimes, if I could just get in it and go somewhere it would make all the difference.

I’ve had a couple of friends/acquaintances over the years that have come and gone, I seem to have quite high expectations of people I want as friends, and no-one has lived up to what I really believe a friend should be. Maybe that’s my fault, but I don’t think I should have to lower my expectations, or put up with a lack of respect from people I intimately choose to spend my life with (the last person I was getting close to and considered a friend broke into my house twice and helped herself to stuff, thinking I wouldn’t mind, but seriously… WHAT THE!!). I don’t even have family anymore, we are all oddly estranged, and I don’t think that will change ever (my choice so I guess I can’t complain).

Sigh… this too, shall pass, I’m sure. :verysad:

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hi my name is jeanie, and i too am a hermit. :teehee:
seriously though, it seems i am the type of person everyone likes, and when i was working, everyone liked to share thier problems and complaints with me. i am a great confidaunt (sp?), and a good listener as well as giving advice. i like to go out, but i love to get back home. i love love to just stay home even more. i dont like talking on the phone, and my family knows to get to the point or i zone out ( maybe its add?). we have a couple who are our close friends, and we even went on a trip to mexico with them in dec, but havent actually talked to them in months! i feel like a crappy friend :pout: i try to be more outgoing because i know i usually have a good time once i go out and relax, but i agree with a previous poster, i think alot of it is self esteem (for me at least :shrug: ) i am working on it. i am bad at keeping in touch with just about everyone. i try. :oops: maybe it will get easier with time!! :heart:

9

I feel like I’m reading my own words lol.

My DH is the same way most of the time - feels distant from his old friends, as I do for the most part (we’re married and we have an almost 3 y/o daughter, our old friends are mostly single and immature types). I don’t work, so I don’t have that possible opportunity to meet friends (although I never really tended to make friends at work when I did work, just wasn’t a friend-making environment). My DH works a lot, so he has “friends” at work but not close ones.

I have managed to hold onto a couple of very dear friends, but I don’t spend a lot of actual in-person time with them (one lives a few hours away now and the other is always working)…

I think it’s sort of normal. I mean, one needs friends, but not dozens of them. As I get older, I find that I have less and less time for leisure, and when I have the time, I like to use it for things that make me happy, and the things that make me happy tend to be solitary pursuits. Sometimes I will go to a crop night at my scrapbook store or something but otherwise… :shrug:

10

Former hermit here.

As a psychology major I know it isn’t healthy to not have some form of friends. The more interests and friends a person has the happier and more fulfilled s/he feels.

DH is a major hermit. He has no friends and is very content that way. He wants me that way too.

About 4 years ago I made sure to get out of the house at least once a week or so and hang with a lady friend, even if it was at her house w/ her kids.

We move around a lot so it is difficult to make and keep friends. I still have a friend from grammar school. We don’t see each other often b/c she is a SAHM. However, we make dates so she can have a break from the usual grind. We have fun doing nothing and eating out.

Now I rely on my knit group for some company.

It’s worth it to make the effort for real life friends. I have learned to appreciate the people for what they do for me. They don’t have to be perfect, just nice. I need the support group just to vent, laugh, and have a break.

11

I’m a hermit too. As a child my family moved around a lot so I’ve never had any long term friends or connections.

I have several online friends I’ve met and stuff and they’re great but the one who lves closest to me lives an hour away and I can’t drive and don’t often have the money to get the train to go and see her. She does drive but she’s always busy and has one child in school and one in nursery so has to be there to pick them up at different times.

I have friends from college I sort of keep up with but we don’t often talk anymore. And since I’m the only one who is married with a child I don’t feel we have much in common anymore.

Then there’s the fact that I’m a SAHM. As I said before I can’t drive so I find it hard to get out…especially being on a budget, it’s not always practical to be shelling out for public transport so most of the time I’m limited to places within walking distance.

But the thing is I suffer from anxiety sometimes and find it hard to go to new places. I have tried to make an effort and taken my DS to a couple of baby groups but I didn’t click with any of the people there. I’m going to try again though as there’s a new centre opened up near us.

I’m quite happy with my DH and family for company though on the whole. I just want to try and get over my anxiety of doing new things. :pout:

12

I think I need to join the hermit club also! We moved to a new state and the only people I know are the parents from my middle daughters preschool, and the only time I see them is drop off/pick up time. The house we are renting right now, well I can see 3 houses and they are not exactly close by. I have joined a knitting group but have only made it to 2 of those so far. And it might be a little clickish but I will try a few more times and see how it goes. There is another one I want to try at a library to see how that one is. At our old house, I have more friends there but they were all my neighbors so it wasn’t really hard, that and I took my first knitting class with one of them so that made it even easier. I still have my old friends (well, 2 of them) from high school but they are 3000 miles away so its kinda hard to stay close with them now. What makes matters worse is we still need to find a house and buy it so this place here is not exactly “home” yet. We may end up moving 50 or so miles so I think that I am not really all that invested in making friends right now.

Knitting has helped though, if I did not want to get out of here and go knitting somewhere, I really would never get out of here except for Emily’s preschool.

Someday, maybe I will have some close friends but until then I am fine.

13

Another hermit here.

Two of my friends are back home in Mexico and I rarely get to chat with them. In Colorado I left another friend, who lacks a phone and a working pc at the moment.

Here in Rapid, my closest acquaintance is my bf, but he spends the better part of each year doing stuff in other countries and since he’s a bit of a hermit too, he spends a lot of time playing video games at his place.

I keep telling myself that I need to go out more and meet people, but after I’m done with schoolwork and work I’m usually too wiped out too try.

What do I do instead?
A lot of knitting and crocheting a lot of web surfing and a lot of movie watching.
I collected movies when I was in CO., and now have a good stash to pick from.

14

Another confessed hermit here. I never had many close friends in school and once I graduated I literally never saw them again. My DH and I have been married for 40+ years and we’ve relied on each other for support and companionship. Good, but maybe not so good. He tends to be critical of people (may be I am too) and we never developed any close relationships with other couples. We’d go to church but never got involved with the groups there.

Even people who would try to build a relationship with me I would avoid. I guess I always thought I was imposing on their time or felt like an outsider in a new group. I don’t do knitting groups cuz I’m sure I’d feel like I was imposing on people. I’m sure all of this has a basis in a self-esteem problem.

Sadly, my DD is the same way. She just moved to a new city for her job and she’s pretty much alone. I sometimes think that’s why she changed colleges, too, from a room and board campus about 90 miles from home to a local commuter university.

May be we should just all talk to one another here so we don’t feel so alone. LOL!

15

Well, I’m not exactly a hermit, but I’m not exactly the social butterfly, either. I am very shy and a little socially awkward, but I do try to be social every now and then. Friday nights I usually go to knit group or go out to dinner with friends. Last Friday we had great Ethiopian food. Every now and then we’ll go out for a drink or just have a glass of something in one of our apts. I think it’s really important for me, and it’s a hard thing to do, but I must try. Sometimes I feel like that socialization thing that everybody has, you know, the basic knowledge on how to meet people, I just never learned that. I need more single friends, too. I’m getting to the age where everyone is married or at least paired up. But as bad as I might be with friends, I’m worse with boyfriends, and never had a real relationship.

Do you know about meetup.com? It has a bunch of groups in different cities. You find a group for your interests (like knitting, or anything else), and you meet with local people. It’s a good avenue for just getting out, and conversation is easier cuz you at least have some common starting ground.

All you need is one decent friend who also likes to do things and from there you guys can go out to try new things together.

Oh, I also wanted to say that it’s harder to be social in some countries than in others. The U.S. I think is particularly . . . cold. I mean, no one talks to anyone they don’t know. People think you’re crazy or creepy if you do that here. When I was vacationing in the Phillipines, I always had people to talk to, though I went there alone. Same thing for South Africa and Zimbabwe. Dublin, too, and even Edinburgh wasn’t so bad. Korea, not so much, in great part, I’m sure, because of my poor Korean, but still easier than here.

16

I’m in the same boat , only I have no friends.
My mom is deaf in one ear so talking on the phone, like two chatty kathys , is out of the question. And forget about my MIL and SIL’s. I can’t stand them and they hate me.
Only one I have to talk with is my hubby. I can only talk about so many things with my 12 yr old.
Yes, I do get lonely for that best girlfriend . Which I’m sure I would have if only the friends that I have had didn’t stab me in the back. For some odd reason every girl that I have had as a friend would get jealous of me. Which I really don’t know why. :shrug:
Owning a journal is helpful for getting crap out of your system that you want to keep secret or that you feel isn’t worth telling .

17

I’m a hermit and don’t think there is anything wrong with it. I can think of nothing I’d rather do than spend the weekend home with my DH and my dogs and not see another living soul. I think part of it is that as a Nurse I spend 5 days a week taking care of other people, smiling and being friendly. I love my patients but on my down time I really just want to be at home where it’s quiet and I don’t have to SMILE all the time. I have “girlfriends” but don’t generally spend alot of time talking on the phone or doing things with them.

I’m quite happy being a Hermit!!! I am not lonely at all, I have lots of hobbies and itnerests and my pups are always there (amd ,y sweetie).

18

The CBC ran a program a little while ago on how our culture is ignoring people who are introverts, or “hermits” as you’re putting it. It’s really interesting. (Click HERE for the video.)

To sum it up, if you’re an introvert, you only consider very deep friendships to be your “friends”, you feel dead tired after many social situations and don’t want to participate in them, and your activities are usually solitary (knitting, anyone???). Being an introvert is completely normal, but isn’t really recognized because the North American culture rewards extroverts.

The video really struck a chord with me, how the one professor is an introvert, and has awesome fun lectures, but has to tell his students not to bother him outside of scheduled times because he doesn’t handle people one-on-one very well unless he’s prepared. It sounds like me needing to know plans with people a while in advance so I can be “ready” for it.

Watching it cleared up a couple of things for me. Maybe other people will recognize themselves as introverts as well. Thought I’d throw it out there.

19

WOW, did that strike a chord with ME!!! I see 35 patients a day in groups of 5 for one hour Cardiac Rehab classes. I am always being told what a “bubbly outgoing” personality I have and my patients think I’m great (or so they say :oops: ). Part of my job is to keep them motivated to exercise and make life style changes to help their heart disease. But it’s like the minute the day is over I’m totally exhausted and the LAST thing I want to do is carry on a conversation with ANYONE!!!

20

I realized this about myself while planning my wedding. Before I moved to the town I am now in I had lots of friends, we went out all the time, camping etc and I was on the board of the SPCA. I moved and went away to grad school and when I came back everything was different. Then I got engaged etc etc. My best friends live in CA and NY and I am in VA. So what did I do…I gathered up some of my co-workers wives whom I knew casually and we started have girls days out for lunch and shopping or a movie, wine tasting etc. Then we all signed up for an 8wk pottery class together. Oh and I also go one evening a month to my LYS for a knitting night. I can’t say as though I’ve made any new best friends or anything, but it is nice to have an outlet. I am also looking into working with my local SPCA although they seem to be in constant turmoil.