My Daughter Has Totally Broken My Heart This Time

[COLOR=black]I think the problem with many teens is that while they know the dangers are out there they seem to think they are invincible. They think “well sure that happened to that girl, but I’m smart so there’s no way it’ll happen to me”. I know I thought like that when I was a teen and I have to say thankfully I never really got burned by a situation. Maybe something bad won’t happen but unfortunately we can’t predict that so they need to be careful since you really don’t know what could happen.[/COLOR]

UGH! I’m so sorry! I’ll be praying for you.

I am so sorry Nathalie! :hug:

I wish I had some brilliant words of wisdom for you, but I’m afraid I’m just a year or so away from the MySpace age myself.

The only thing I can say is that we keep the computers in the living room so we can see what either kid is doing online at any time. Mostly they’re all about Neopets (the girl) and World of Warcraft (the boy). But I’m worried about what’s to come in the future… hence my siggy quote. :-?

Being a teenager is difficult in that you in no way understand that things will happen to YOU. The infallibility of youth is one of the greatest gifts of being a teenager-but its also quite dangerous. No matter how much [U]you [/U]understand something is dangerous, it doesn’t mean that [U]they[/U] get it. Also you WANT them to tell you the truth, but thats only 1% of the battle. The other 99% is getting THEM to WANT to be honest.

I think it has to do with a level of experience regarding interaction in a world thats much bigger than we are. For example… infants up to 10 months are fine with being left alone in a room. Somewhere between 10-14 months the start to get clingy and cry when you leave and will look for you if you disappear. They realize that when you disappear you still exist somewhere outside their range of vision.

We as adults are on the opposite end of that scale because of our level of experience dealing with the wide world.

Teens are limited in their view because their world is mostly made up by their realm of experience. We are also taught from a young age that T.V. isn’t real. If she has been loved, cared for in her life then bad people simply aren’t real to her. They are more like an abstract concept.

Its not just kids-we adults tend to be this way too. Good things, like Amber Alerts and the CMEC should have ALWAYS been in existance. But they wern’t until someone became outraged at their child being hurt or killed. Do you ever hear a parent say, “Well, yeah I was pretty sure one day my kid would be kidnapped while she was walking home from school.” The fact that you have a broader understanding of the dangers due to DH’s job is great… but you also have age and experience behind that understanding.

Also, when it comes to MySpace and Facebook and other sites, its hard to tell a kid that its dangerous when the other 300 kids they know are doing it and still safe and fine.

My friend battled this with her 14 year old son, who is now 15 1/2. The compromise was that he uses My Space ONLY. He gave his password and screen name to his mom so she can check his friends list. Out of respect for his privacy she reads his comments but NOT his inbox or outbox. The only friends he is allowed to have on there are kids she has actually met in person. She checks to make sure he isn’t giving away personal info in his profile and his mailbox is set up so he can ONLY receive messages from people on his friends list.

I understand you have to stand behind your rules, and that your child has betrayed your trust. Thats is hurtful and that trust will have to be earned back. I also am not sure of her age.

Growing up is hard on kids as well as parents. We work hard to instill morals and values in our kids. Then the day comes when we have to trust that we did a good job and let them test things out for themselves.

It sounds like you have a good kid. It sounds like you are a good parent. This sounds like a bump in the road, and in the end my advice would be to keep the lines of communication open. Yes she lied and there are consequences for that but there are reasons she lied and covered her tracks and that is what you need to find out.

Thanks for the explanation; I was completely lost. :oops:

I agree that passwords won’t help. After all, most libraries offer free internet access. Would it be too “outside the box” to let her have her accounts and then just periodically make your presence know there? Or maybe even create your own account and add each other to your friends lists? Maybe it will help improve communication? Maybe allowing her to have the account will rid the novelty and she won’t be interested in it anymore? Maybe exposing her to more guided freedoms will help hone her “trouble meter” and thus spot and avoid trouble more effectively? Or maybe not. But maybe it’s worth a try? :shrug:

I don’t have any kids. But growing up, my parents gave us a bunch of freedoms that other kids didn’t have (ie: we were allowed to drink alcohol, watch ‘R’ movies, stay up late, drive etc …) As a result, it made us WAY less likely to do stupid things in order to experience those freedoms - as some of the other kids did and thus were punished. I realize that times are certainly different now, but thinking “out of box” worked for my parents because I very humbly think I turned out a pretty decent person. I never had any trouble in school and my parents never had any problems with the decisions that I made as a kid.

I hope you find what works best for you and your family!!
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As hard as it is, I think taking away all soccer would probably be the best thing. From what I’ve read in your threads, soccer is the only thing she’s consistently cared about. My advice would be to lock the computer up so she cant use it at all, unless you specifically log in for her, make her come directly home after school each day, no contact with friends outside of school, no TV, take all of her soccer stuff and lock it up, let her friends moms know exactly whats going on, so if she is “studying” over at a friends house, you know they wont be on myspace. Best wishes and lots of :hug:s,

Cassidy

Wish I could give you concrete advice.

All I can say is try to keep it all in perspective. Your daughter isn’t on drugs or involved in gangs (at least I HOPE NOT!). As bad as you feel it is, it COULD be worse.

I think giving in on MySpace or Facebook at this point would be a bad idea. It would insinuate that DD tactics work and will cause her to continue to disobey.

Counseling is a GREAT idea - together, and solo with separate counselors. Good luck!

I am so sorry you are going through this! I really hope that that all of you are able to figure out why she is being so deceptive and help her get past it. And it sounds like she is like all the other teenagers who think it won’t happen to them. I truly hope that you are all able to rebuild the trust and respect along with finding out why she is so angry…:grphug::pray:

My daughter started to lie to me at age 12 and I don’t think I heard a word of truth from her again til she was over 20. It was devastating, heartbreaking and changed my life forever. She is now 23 and our relationship is much better but I will never get those lost years back and honestly don’t think I’ll ever get over the loss of the relationship we “could” have had.

For many years I blamed myself and still play the “what if game” but I did everything I knew to do and could not change the course she set for herself.

My heart just breaks for you because I know what pain you are in.

The best advice I can give you is get a THERAPIST FOR [U]YOU[/U]. You need someone to talk to to help you thorugh this very difficult time.

I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this!

Is it possible she knows your views but doesn’t agree with them and therefore disobeys? At her age, I disagreed with several of my parents’ rules and probably broke every one of them at some point. And covered my tracks well each time.
I’m sure my parents thought it was out of disrespect but the truth wasn’t so simple. In many ways I thought of myself as an adult and resented being treated like a child - mainly being told what to do and what not to do. My mom, especially, used to like laying down the rules and then insist we obey regardless of whether we agreed. My dad’s approach worked better - he rarely told us what to do or not do. Instead, he would get our thinking to change with his opinions, stories, funny incidents etc. We then had a better chance of making the right decision by ourselves.

My aunt and uncle are another example struggling to deal with their son. He’s about 17 now and has been terribly angry with his parents for several years. His parents are very protective (overprotective IMO). He has been going for counseling for over an year now, but truthfully his attitude hasn’t changed any. He claims he hates his mom because of her ultra-conservative parenting methods and the only way for him to get over it is to leave home. They won’t let him do that because they feel he’ll only do himself more harm without supervision sigh

Hang in there. I hope you find a good counselor who can find the root of the problem and help you resolve it. :hug:

:hug: Nathalie :hug:
I am so sorry you have to deal with this. a positive spot - you’re lucky that she comes to you and admits her lies. getting mine to admit he lied is nearly impossible.
I feel your pain. we have trust issues with our 13 yr old. he’s testing us - not necessarily on purpose - just like I did at that age. he thinks he knows everything, thinks he can do stuff without our knowledge - just like I did at that age. he’s asserting himself, because he’s becoming aware of the bigger picture outside his minute-to-minute life - just like what I went through at that age. I was convinced my parents were the meanest, most unreasonable people alive. the bottom line is, all I can do is tell him I completely understand what he’s going through, but he still needs to show respect, demonstrate integrity and responsibility, and above all else, he still needs to listen to what we try to do to guide him toward a hopefully decent and fulfilling adulthood/career/relationship, and put our lessons in to practice now.
he has a myspace account, which his mom and I both know the password for. we told him it’s ok to have the account, but it must be 1) private and 2) must not have ANY personal information in it. no blogging, no location, no school name, etc. she and I check it often, but who knows, he might have a different account that we don’t know about.

hang in there sweetie, things will get better. :heart:

I have total sympathy for you…our middle ds aged 13 has started to lie a lot ( including about playing online games with strangers…I banned him from it and then found out he was still playing…now he is only allowed on the computer when there is an adult in the room )

It seems to me that they aren’t lying to deliberately hurt us, it’s just that they are so wrapped up in themselves that they are only thinking about what they want to do.

We’re going to get some help with our sons behaviour, but at the same time I feel that I have to get this in perspective, he is a good student, isn’t doing drugs or alcohol, he just doesn’t get the pain that a breach of trust has on a family.

my thoughts exactly.

I am hoping you don’t take away her soccer! Sports are such a positive force in so many ways. The fact that she cares so much for the sport is a good thing. The other day my friend said her parents took away dance lessons as a way of punishing her. It was the only she cared about, she is 50 now, and she thinks it was a big mistake on her parents’ part. It was the only positive thing in her life.

I had a situation with my daughter. She started high school last year and got involved with some bad kids and the lying was just the tip of the iceberg. It was horrible. Of course, I wanted to believe everything she told me, even though in my heart I had doubts.

Well, I pulled her out the school, put her in counseling, put her on home study, she got a job, got into playing her guitar and playing tennis. She has completely changed for the good and is ready to go back to (a new) high school in the fall.

The most important thing was that “she” was the one who asked for help. She went to the school psychologist and said she was out of control and needed help. Now if I ever doubt her word, she is outraged. She really has changed, but its so hard to earn the trust again. But, is has happened…little by little.

I know each situation is completely different, but I thought I would share my story. Sometimes you feel like you are the only one going through these things.

I was going to mention the fact that your daughter might not be feeling as religious as you are, but KnittingNat did it first. I’m sure you’re right, and this isn’t part of the problem, but have you asked her directly? I can easily imagine that if I were an angry teenager, and I was being told not to do something because it’s against God, I’d think that was a terrible cope out and continue to do it anyways.

I’m still a young one myself (but at the oh-so-much-more mature age of 18, hahah), and I agree with you completely that Myspace is really quite hazardous. I can’t believe the stuff my friends with pages (in college!) have on theirs. Hometown, full name, borderline-slutty pictures, practically their school schedule. (not to mention the worst layouts and colour themes possible, and they have no understanding of what bandwidth stealing is, but that’s… got nothing to do with safety…)

I would think the only way your going to get around this insessent need your daughter has to make a Myspace account is to supervise it. Explain to her that she can have an account, but it will be viewed by yourself, your husband, random family members, people in the church (from just fellow…church goers? to like the youth pastor, to the big boss pastor), her soccer coach guy, teachers, the dean, or whoeever is in charge of her school, and so on. Now you could be lying about half of those, but so long as she knows that adults, people she has to be accountable to, are looking at what she does online (and make sure to check as often as you’re letting her believe it’s checked. They have page-view-counters, so she will know). And your clever enough to be able to figure out if she makes a secondary account for the things she doesn’t want all you adults seeing.

As for Facebook, it’s just as pointless as Myspace, [I]but[/I] it’s much more secure. Apparently no one can see anything beyond your name and avatar unless you hand select them to be on your friends list. And the only way people can be in a highschool’s ‘group’ (meaning everyone in that group can see the profile of everyone else… I think, so it’s not like someone that doesn’t actually go to her school will be in her school’s group), is if someone already in the group invites them. It’s fairly secure in my opinion, but it’s a lot more pictorial based than myspace even, though.

I hope you all can make it through this with as few tears as possible, and I think a counselor would really help a lot (but ask her straight out if she would prefer a Christian one, or a non-Christian one, and pick who she wants, in this case)

nathalie, i think orangeus has a lot of great points. as hard as it is to realize, your dd may not have a desire to be close to God like you want for her, and there is nothing you can do to make her have that desire. i was knew a guy in HS who went through the same thing as your dd. he went to church and went along with parents, but when they weren’t around, he was exactly what they didn’t desire him to be. she really has to want to have a relationship with God, and sadly she may never.
as for soccar, i understand she is talented, but she has broken almost every rule you have set for her, so until she can get a job and pay for [U]all [/U]the expenses related (uniforms, tournaments, member fees) i would take it away. i was a very good kid, i was in swim and water polo in HS. as soon as i could get a job, my dad made it clear that if sports (or any EXTRA CURRICLAR activities) were to continue, i needed to pay for them. so i got a job i hated, but i learned a lot of responsibility. perhaps this is what your dd needs to do. if its so important to her, then she will be responsible and get a job, pay for the things she needs to. summertime is a lot of open scheduling to fill in with a paying job. HTH

I do this very thing with my daughter. I also have my own account and her profile is set to private so only her friends can see it. I’ve discovered that with teens, the more you try to control what they do or see, the more they rebel against it. We know we’re doing it to keep them safe, but they don’t see it that way. All they think is that we don’t trust them. And to an extent, they’re right.

But you have to start trusting them and letting them learn to take care of themselves eventually. You can’t keep her safe forever, so you should teach her to deal with the things that you worry about. Which is why I’ve let my daughter have a myspace account but only under my rules. Also, with movies, if she wants to see it, but I’m not sure about it, I’ll watch it first. Letting your kids run wild isn’t good, but overprotecting them isn’t either.

Im so sorry that this happened to you.

I really dont have alot of wisdom to share with you…when I was a teen, we didnt have MySpace and stuff, and my 11 year old only plays on Neopets…

I hope you find something helpful when you go to counseling, and that you and your daughter make it through this. :hug:

First, I can’t even imagine what you are going through, and I understand that there are other factors not brought up.

As another 18 y/o, I agree with a lot of the points made by Orangeus. Myspace is a huge part of the social life for most teenagers. While there are dangers involved, it sounds as if you have done a wonderful job of educating your daughter of them so that she knows how to avoid them. Perhaps not right away (she did directly disobey you) but eventually, you could allow her to have her own account if you know the passwords and username for it so that you can check on it.

Faith is an amazing thing to have, but many teenagers are in a stage of life where they are confused or unsure as to their own beliefs. Your daughter most likely does belief in Christianity, but she is at a point in her life where she is figuring out who she is. Some of her thoughts and ideas probably don’t match up exactly with yours. And because high school is such a defining time, she wants to explore her ideas. Your stricter lifestyle may be too much for her at the moment, so she might feel the need to rebel against it as a way to be herself.

I truly hope you find success with whatever path you choose. :muah:

I usually lurk here but felt the above quote was worth highlighting. We started having problems with our oldest child lying when she was a pre-teen, and things got worse from there. I can’t say I was disappointed when she finally turned 18 and our responsibility to her was essentially over. Not long after that she flat out told me she rejected Christianity (I am a Christian). That was very difficult to hear but I had no choice but to accept it and move on. We have been unhappy with the life choices she’s made as an adult, and her lack of integrity has greatly disappointed us. It also was humiliating when other relatives to whom she had lied, used, and never repaid loans would express their anger to us about her. She is 24 now and, while she seems more settled down this past year, I have yet to see any evidence of her having gained any integrity and, as far as I know, she still rejects Christianity.

Our middle child, age 17, to this point has been no problem for us and has proven to be honest and trustworthy. Our youngest is only 4.

Believe me, I feel your pain and disappointment. But try not to let your daughter and her actions consume you and your entire life. I’m sure you’ve done the best you can, but you can’t control her heart.