My Daughter Has Totally Broken My Heart This Time

#1

Well, tonight was pretty bad.

While working on my computer tonight, I noticed something odd, asked my daughter a question about it, got weird vibes, and began investigating.

I discovered that my daughter had created a Facebook account. What’s the big deal, you might ask. Well, we’ve strictly forbidden her to create any such site. She nearly lost her soccer privileges last year for the same reason (disobeying us after we told her not to create another one).

The whole time I’m questioning her, she is lying about things. I finally get into her account and through investigating that learn that she also had created a myspace account. She told me she couldn’t remember the email address she used, so I couldn’t log into the account. While I was on my mission to figure out a way to contact myspace, she came in and admitted that she lied to me. She gave me the email address she used so I could log in.

She’s had both of these accounts since last fall. :cry:

She’s been lying to us the entire time.

To make things worse, she figured out how to delete the history on my computer, so I couldn’t tell where she’d been. I had noticed that my KH settings were always disappearing, but I thought my Firefox settings were wonky. Just weird stuff like that. She was covering her tracks…

My heart is totally shredded. I feel so violated. I’m stunned at the total lack of disrespect that she and her friends (the ones who know she’s not allowed to do this) have for dh and me. There is just no trust there any more.

I don’t know how we are going to handle this. I’m truly at my wit’s end this time. God has a big job with this one.

The one thing she did admit to is that she thinks she needs counseling. She said she is very angry with us and has been for some time. I agree. I think I’m going to stay home from work tomorrow and look into this.

Please pray for us. I’m literally devastated. Just torn up…

Thanks for listening.

:muah:

#2

oh nathalie! i am so sorry for you:muah: i understand how you would feel. it is a good move in the right direction that your daughter did admit the whole truth, and that she told you about being angry. i think counseling is what you guys need. :pray: i hope you all get the help, healing, and understanding you will need to get through this very tough time. God bless you and your family :heart:

#3

At this point, I wonder what the truth really is. Everything seems like a lie now…

Sorry, but I’m really, really, really down. This is the worst I think I have ever felt about nearly anything. The only thing that hurt worse was the death of my dad.

:cry:

#4

I am so sorry. We love our children so much, we want to trust them badly!! SO much, sometimes, that we think they CAN totally be trustworthy–and I imagine there are very few that ALWAYS tell the truth ALL THE TIME.:hug: However, I can see that your daughter does have real issues–whether it’s about anger towards her parents, or a dislike for herself–it doesn’t matter. She has done this thing, and now I think a Christian counselor might be a good idea. Not someone like a pastor at your church, but a real counselor with whom you have no other contact.

I think the thing is that maybe most of the friends she comes in contact with at school are so “worldly” (I hope you know what I mean) she thinks they’re the “cool people”. And she thinks her parents are NOT!! She’s not mature enough to appreciate your need to be able to trust her…but I can assure you – whether she’s acting like it or not—she doesn’t want to feel she could ever lose your love. And I know she won’t!

This will work out, too. I am just so sorry it’s going to be such a hard lesson for her AND such a bad time for you and dh!!:heart:

#5

:hug::hug::hug:
What is the reason you’ve forbidden her to have these accounts from the first place?

#6

There is nothing that can be said or done that can eaase the pain right now.
:hug:
I do suggest counseling. Fast.

But, not just for her… I think family counseling would help. You, your dh, and dd. I think a counselor would help all of you, and find a way to get things worked out.

Know my heart breaks for you, and I send you love, and Big bear hugs… I only wish I could be there for you in person.

Take care…

#7

There aren’t any words to say how sorry I am for you. I can only imagine what would happen to me if I did something like that. I hope you get everything worked out, but, until then, I’ll be praying for you and your husband!

Isn’t there a way that you could block myspace and facebook? I think that’d be a good idea to start with. And, maybe if you start to trust her, than she’ll finally get where she doesn’t want to break it and actually deserve your trust? That’s my situation, my parents trust me, so I give them a reason to. Maybe that could happen with you and your daughter someday, hopefully soon.

I’ll be praying for all 3 of you!

#8

:hug: :pray:

#9

oh how your heart must be hurting, seems nothing wounds us like the betrayal of our child. praying she sees the Light… :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

#10

:hug:Nathalie, good luck. I know you’re hurt, but I don’t think your daughter meant to hurt you. Kids are weird that way - they don’t always have the same level of empathy that we adults do. She suspected you would be angry if you discovered it, and that was probably her goal, but I’m sure she didn’t know you would be hurt. The fact that she came back and admitted that she lied is an indication to me that she respects you.

Counselling is a good idea. Be prepared however, it can be difficult! Sometimes, the core of a problem isn’t necessarily where we think it is. A good counsellor will help you find it, but the solutions are not always easy. :muah:

#11

Was it sneaky and deceitful yes but it could also be a good time for some mother daughter bonding to take place.Maybe telling her you understand her desire for a little privacy and independance but that myspace can be very unsafe and that finding out that she was holding these accounts without your knowledge and consent scared you to death I am sure for reasons obvious to mothers but maybe not so obvious to daughters .What if together you set up a myspace page or something were you set the privacy settings and can monitor what is going on anytime you feel like it I am sure her intentions were not to break your heart but to feel like she had a little space of her own where she could express herself.You have every right to be upset but now is also a good time to try and bridge the gap how you handle this could have a huge impact on the next couple of years of her life if she is not givin some slack she may just become better at hiding things. Good luck you seem like a great mom:muah:

#12

Thanks for the kind words.

Maybe further explanation would be helpful.

First of all, some question why we don’t want her to have these public pages. My dh is in law enforcement. I used to work at one of our local law enforcement agencies. These sites are predator magnets. Kids put identifying information about themselves and others, and kids have been known to have been killed because of the information provided on them.

About two years ago, we found out her best had created a page for her. We made her get rid of it and explained why. When you grow up with someone in law enforcement, you understand. You live with what that person sees. My dh has investigated many horrible crimes. My daughter knows this. She knows what’s out there, and she knows we’re extremely conservative and protective.

Anyhow, she was instructed NOT to do another page of any sort. A few months later, we found out she had created another page. So, we went through all of this crying, yada yada yada. We nearly took soccer completely away. She really freaked out. We thought she finally understood the severity of it.

She had us hoodwinked. She’s since created these last two sites, and only a few months after she got in massive trouble over the last one.

I know that this sounds like it’s about control, but it’s really not. It’s a safety issue. And now it’s turned into an obedience and trust issue. I am still responsible for her. If she doesn’t obey my rules, how can I trust her.

Conti, you suggested extending trust. Believe me…we did after the last go-round. She still chose to recreate those pages.

Plus, she was grounded from computer use, but she used mine anyway when I went to work. I put a password on my Windows user accounts last night. She’s not supposed to go on the internet when we’re not home for safety reasons. Another safety rule broken. How do I know she’s not sneaking out of the house at night? How do I know that when I drop her off at church she’s not leaving and going somewhere else?

I told her last night (like I’ve told her before) that God created parents to care for children and model the relationship they are to have with him…one of obedience (most importance), love, and respect. If she’s not willing to obey and respect me, how can she ever expect to obey and love God?

I’m going to do some calling this morning to try to find a Christian counselor.

Once again, thanks for listening. I feel bad dumping on you guys again.

#13

hugs for you- I hope you find a counselor ASAP. I understand your position on facebook/myspace completely. my friend with a teen boy is also nt allowed, but snuck one up anyways. She ended up using boot passwords on her home computers (won’t even turn on without a password) and locking up her laptop every day. She said she was going to try to contact myspace to see about them blocking her IP address- but I don’t know if that is actually possible.

I’ll keep praying for you and your family…

#14

Something I’ve learned, though, is that doing all of that (passwords, etc.) won’t solve the problem. It boils down to them respecting us enough to trust us for our reasons for protecting them and obeying us.

We’ve got to get down to the root of the problem. Otherwise, they’ll just find a way around the rules and do what they want anyway.

Thanks for your understanding words. It really means a lot to me. :muah:

#15

[COLOR=black]I’m sorry that this happened Nathalie. I’m sure she didn’t do this to hurt you; she was probably just thinking about herself and didn’t think how it would affect you and your family which unfortunately it has. At least you were able to catch this before God forbid anything could have happened through the site. I totally understand what you’re talking about with these sites. You always here horrible things about predators who have met young girls online and do these horrible things to them. I commend you for working to protect your daughter against this, there are a lot of parents who don’t monitor at all their kid’s internet activities. [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black]It seems like she’s making a step in the right direction admitting she may need counseling, I’m sure that’s tough for her to come out and say. Maybe she could do individual counseling for a while to really work out what she thinks makes her mad and then you and your dh could join later on when she’s made some progress. It may help her to be truly honest with herself. [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black]I hope things work out, I’ll be thinking of you and your family.:hug:[/COLOR]

#16

Auburnchick - I know how hurt you are about the trust issue and i understand completely the safety reasons for not allowing your dd to have these accounts. But an idea maybe that will seem ridiculous to you… It happens that in Israel there are many religious families living in certain lifestyle and the kids don’t think it’s for them and they leave the community because the parents can’t accept a different lifestyle in their homes. I know that you’re much more modern than what i speak about (you have TV and computers and internet), but i also see you’re very religious. I’m just suggesting that maybe your daughter is having a faith crisis of some kind. Maybe she doesn’t want to accept conservative lifestyle, maybe she doesn’t believe in God, maybe it’s not for her, so she’s acting rebelliously to check your faith and your red lines. I don’t mean in any way to be judgmental of your lifestyle, i think everyone are entitled to live their lives the way they want, unless it hurts someone else… She is in that age when young people start to think of those things, maybe seeing all the crimes your dh investigated, she lost the faith…
Big hugs and stay strong…:hug:

#17

You know, I don’t think she’s rebelling against Christianity, per se.

But I do think she’s having a crisis. She attends youth group twice a week. I don’t make her go. She goes because she wants to. I’m sure it’s mainly a social thing, but that’s how it is with the kids. While she’s there, she’s hearing a good message. My prayer is that her heart will hear this message, and she’ll respond. I don’t think that she’ll make the right choices until her heart is right with God.

Right now the problem is that she’s self-centered (aren’t most teens?!). She’s not putting anyone first beside herself. Living a Christian life means you put God first. This is something that most Christians struggle with because we are human. But, ideally, this is how we’re supposed to operate. After God, we’re to put others first, and then ourselves last.

Dd is concerned with dd. Period. She knew we would be upset if we found out about the pages, which is why she went through the trouble to cover up her tracks (deleting my internet history every time…I knew I had checked that box to save my KH password!).

She needs to see herself as God sees her, repent, and acknowledge that Jesus paid the price for her sins. Only after she does this can she depend on the strength of the Holy Spirit to help her make the right decisions.

Now, I know that there are many people who aren’t Christians who make good decisions. In my daughter’s case, though, I just don’t think she can do it without God. She knows what she needs to do, she just won’t (or can’t) do it.

I’m going to start calling around in a bit…looking for a counselor…

#18

I definitely understand your safety concerns (my DH is in law enforcement as well) and your pain at finding out you were lied to… but at the same time, I doubt she understands either fully. There were a lot of things my parents didn’t want me to do when I was young that I didn’t understand - and being forbidden from using MySpace probably seems really unreasonable to a kid.

I don’t know if this would work for your family, but I know a lot of parents have their teens set these things as private so that most people can’t actually see the contents of the profile.

#19

I think no internet when you aren’t home is one of the best rules you can have in place and I know what you mean about the predators that lurk in places like myspace Ok I just had a light bulb moment what if you and your daughter together set up a phony myspace profile for a 15 year old girl and see if you can’t show her first hand the kind of slime that goes around looking for young girls I might even try this myself maybe do one with all the privacy and safety features in place and one without and see for myself if they work at all to protect our kids.Of course you would have to keep the password to yourself so she can’t check it herself.

#20

We have watched the Dateline “To Catch a Predator” episodes together. On the show, they read back some of the chatter that has gone on between the decoy and the predator. It’s pretty graphic stuff. She “knows” what’s out there. She’s a smart girl in some ways.

I think she is willfully choosing not to listen. She’s always been headstrong and independent. She just wants to do what most kids her age are doing. But does this mean it’s right?

Most kids get to see nearly any movie they want without thought to the sexual and language content. My kids are not allowed to. We explain why as well. Living a Christian (i.e. conservative) life means you do stand apart from others. But it’s for the right reasons.

I know that teens are probably not going to understand this. But, just as toddlers don’t understand why we say “no” when they reach up to touch the stove, the learn pretty fast when they get burned, and then they understand. I know I can’t protect her from everything, and she needs to get burned to teach her some things, but some things are just not up for debate. You grab your kids before they run out in front of a car. They MUST obey you in this case, or you may not get a second chance. That’s how I feel with this issue.

But again, the underlying issue is obedience. We have to submit our will to those in authority over us. She is refusing to do this.

And I’m not sure that “punishing” her is going to do any good. It certainly hasn’t helped this summer…