I'm sick of February so how about a new laugh line?

#1

The following are just an attempt to get over a month that should be wiped off the calendar. Good thing it’s only 28 days. Couldn’t stand much more.
I think it’s time for some laughs. This will be definitely off topic, off track, off kilter and anything else that’s off. By all means chime in with whatever grinds your beans. Still have half of Feb. to endure.

First some thoughts to ponder.

EVER WONDER . . . .

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

. . . and just one more of these. Only in America do banks leave all their doors open and chain their pens to the counters.

Then one for the guys: A married couple were driving their horse and buggy to a town event. The horse shied and bucked on the trail and the husband got out - got the buggy back on the trail and admonished the horse - “THAT’S ONE!”.

He got back in the buggy and continued on their way. The horse shied again and ran off the trail. The husband got out, pushed the buggy back on the trail and waved his finger at the horse and said, “THAT’S TWO!”

After driving for a while the poor, frightened, uncontrollable horse shied and pulled the buggy into a deep cut on the roadside. The man got out, said, “THAT’S THREE” and with his gun, shot the horse!

His wife was terribly upset - got out of the buggy and said, “Oh, dear, the horse was just frightened! You didn’t have to shoot it! Now, what will we do to get back home?!! I’ve never seen you do such a heartless thing!”

The husband replied . . . "THAT’S ONE!!

O.K. I’ve got more and better ones - I bet you do too - so join in. Jean

#2

Thanks Jean. That’s just what I needed today!:roflhard:
Jeanie

#3

Thanks! :roflhard:
That’s worthy of a copy/paste to share far and near.

#4

I actually love February. Maybe because it’s different than all of the rest of the months and even more different every 4 years:roflhard: …and now, for my newest grand-nephew’s birthday.

And the 1,2,3 joke…My grandfather told that one more years ago than I remember…but, I’ve never forgotten it. I don’t think I’ve ever remembered any other “story” joke I’ve heard; but, I can still hear him laughing like crazy as soon as I “got it”. Thanks for the memory (and the laughs)

#5

Certainly, that’s what we all need every day. One of my very favorite musicians, Victor Borge, said, “A smile is the shortest distance between 2 people.”

Lana, Have meant to comment on your knitting direction tag - I luv, luv, luv it. Sounds like me right now trying to adapt a pattern to what I want. Or just any day when I’ve washed my hands and can’t do a thing with them! :<)

Jeanie, You have a great name. I really like it. And Pam, Isn’t it great how a few words can conjure up great memories from the past. I think that’s why great writers are so important. They can bring both the past and the future to now.

The operative word here is NOW! Now you must contribute some of your funnies. There was a joke line a while back and it got to over 50 pgs. A little intimidating to find a particular story. There were some great ones. This should be the start of a new one. Jean

#6

If this joke line is going to take off we’ll need Demonica to come back with more stories. Any one know where she is lately?

In the meantime, for fun, take some of the old sayings and bring them up to date as you wish. For instance, I have a few:

“If it ain’t broke” . . . it’s probably not mine.
" Where there’s a will" . . . there’s relatives.
And from Willy Shakespeare, All’s well that . . . is, if you’ve got money in the bank and options on lots more!
Your turn. Jean

#7

Hmmmm. Wonder why you like my name? Actually I rather like yours too. You sound like you’d be a blast to hang out with. Coming my way any time soon?..
Jeanie

#8

Not likely, Jeanie, I’m in Northern Ill. and it’s a “fur piece” to Texas.

I might be a blast for a while, but then I’d just be an old pain in the hindquarters and then, too, I’d hate to think myself responsible if you laughed yourself to death. Don’t want that on my conscience.

Just send a good funny story to the laugh line and just like when I was a kid and all I could afford to pay was attention - I’ll certainly notice it.
Jean

#9

Well Jean if I have to go, I can think of worse ways than laughing myself to death.:chair: :angelgrin: I just don’t have any funnies to post here right now, but if I run across something I’ll be sure to share.
Jeanie

#10

Here I am! :wink:

Ok, I may have posted some of these before but there’s no way I’m going back through the other thread to find out! :teehee:

These are claimed to be actual announcements made by in-flight attendants:

Before takeoff:
“To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. Actually, it works just like every other seat belt on the planet. If you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”

“In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, or someone who is acting like a small child, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two such persons, decide now which one you love more.”

Shortly before arrival:
“Weather at our destination is 50 degrees, with some broken clouds; but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your travel money, more than this airline.”

On the ground, after an exceedingly bumpy landing:
“Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash’ and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”

On arrival:
“We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here at this airline.”

Sentences Found In Patients’ Hospital Charts

  1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

  2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

  3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

  4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

  5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

  6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

  7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

  8. The patient refused autopsy.

  9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

  10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

  11. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

  12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

  13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

  14. Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

  15. She is numb from her toes down.

  16. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

  17. The skin was moist and dry.

  18. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

  19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

  20. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

  21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

  22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

  23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

  24. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. [Just how big IS “circus sized”?]

  25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

  26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

  27. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

  28. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

  29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

  30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

  31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

#11

Ah, yes! Now the fun begins. We’ve missed you Demonica.

I’ve read all in the old jokes and I remember jokes very well. Yours, today, are new to me and they’re grrrrreat!

So glad you’ve chimed in and I hope lots more members won’t be shy and will add to this list. It certainly lifts spirits on a dreary, worrisome day.

Hey - Your airline jokes reminded me of one. I don’t have the text so I’ll have to improvise.

Promises, promises - “Take a Chance” airline. We save money by not providing all the frills of other competitors. We have no meals, no drinks, no oxygen masks. However, rather than a flotation device in your seat cushion we provide a low cost alternative . . . a parachute to every individual on our planes.

We hope your flight is uneventful because the parachutes only open on impact!!
Jean

#12

[FONT=Century Gothic]I can’t take credit for the actual laugh line, but I asked what type of sheep Lion Brand’s Fishermen’s Wool comes from, adding that the label said it was 100% Pure Virgin Wool…here were the hilarious responses:

[/FONT]

#13

More Jokes! :wink:

Advertising Lingo: Ever wonder what all those advertising terms really mean?

NEW - Different color from previous design.

ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.

ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn’t understand it.

EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.

UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.

FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.

IT’S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.

FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.

HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.

FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.

REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.

DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.

BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.

MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.

MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.

SOLID-STATE - Heavy as anything

HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it.

Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

A: If we don’t get some support soon people are going to think were nuts.

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the
front yard. The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?” She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?” “Yes” was his incredulous reply. She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”

#14

:teehee:

#15

Yep, that makes more sense than the stupid, pie shaped indicators for investors. Very succint and meaningful. Can’t make a mistake with such truth.
Jean

#16

Do knit stitches have crossed legs only when they have bladder problems?

Knitting Haiku:

Whenever I knit
I reach the toes and I find
I have not enough wool

#17

A woman was knitting on a plane in the emergency exit row. The flight attendant came by and asked if she would be able to open the door in the event of an emergency. The knitter responded, “Yes as soon as I finish knitting the row.”

#18

A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window… “Pull over!”

“No,” she shouts back, “a pair of socks!”

…

Oh, the bladder joke was mine also.

#19
#20

A scientist crossed a sheep with a porcupine.
He got an animal that knits its own sweaters.

(groan!!)