Oh man, what I wouldn’t give to have a Jewish Christmas haha.
It’s sad to say, but I think I stopped enjoying holidays when I was about 13. I stopped celebrating my birthdays, I stopped having fun at Christmas, Easter wasn’t fun anymore. It just stopped. I know that Christmas was a bust because that was the year that my dad was laid off at work and it made me so miserable to see that my parents were spending money on me when I knew they should have been saving it. I opened my Christmas presents and I was so ashamed that my parents thought that I needed expensive gifts to be happy. I didn’t need the stereo that they gave me and I wanted nothing more than to tell them to take it back and return it so they could pay the bills. I overheard my dad telling my mom that she should go and buy me an xbox because I should have gotten more gifts. I had never felt so guilty in my life.
Every Christmas since has been so strange in our house. My dad got a new job and we were financially fine, but I always felt so guilty getting things that I hadn’t earned or deserved.
Last year was better because I had a job and I could buy presents for my family. I finally felt like I was giving back to them! But this year we’re back to where we were a few years ago. My dad’s company was sold and he is out of a job again. When I talk to my mom on the phone she reminds me that it’s going to be a small Christmas again and I just want to tell her to not worry because I don’t need a big present. I don’t need anything! All I want for Christmas is to go home and be with my family. All I want is for my dad to get a new job. She keeps telling me that she had something big planned for me this year and that she’s so sorry that she can’t give it to me anymore. I’ve told her that she doesn’t have to feel bad about it because I understand the situation but i think that makes her feel worse and I, in turn, feel worse too.
This time around my parents have grandchildren and they want to spoil those kids. It kills me to see that they can’t do that anymore.
I think we would all rather eat chinese food and watch a movie, but no one has the courage to tell each other and no one wants to take away Christmas at Grandma and Grandpa’s from my niece and nephew.
I hate holidays.