In one post, a new knitter asks for some advice for the novice knitter. Everyone tries to be helpful as we all are here. but Trvvn went the extra mile.
Throw your needles on the ground, stomp on them until they are a mere semblence of their former glory and then burn all your yarn. Years ago, I remember a time, I had ample free time. I could run in the woods, play in the sunshine, pick flowers in the meadow.
Alas, now I sit in a cave, chained to circular needles, tirelessly working my fingers to the bone, tearing my hair out over slipped stitches and uncableing cables. For what, so that unappreciative family members can look at my immacculate gifts and say, “Well, this looks handmade. You didn’t buy this at the store?” Well, bite me, I say.
Once I had beautiful tan skin, now only to be replaced by pristine alabaster whiteness. No sun for this cave dweller. So alas I say to you, go back. Stop now, before the addiction takes hold. Before you start ignoring your friends because you have, “Things to do.” Eventually you’ll start having to go to support groups for your addiction. Or as you’ll call them in code, “knitting circles.” Or “knit-a-longs.” All of which includes needles. Much like other addictions. I’m just saying. Needles, needles.
So think twice before you pick up those cruel evil inventions again. They seem so innocent. It’s just yarn, you’ll say. They’re just needles, you’ll say. See me in 6 months when you’re calloused and wasted away to practically nothing because you, “forgot” to eat. They’re dabolical in their innocence.
We laugh, we nervously giggle… we look around shifty eyed. We realize it’s the TRUTH! I realized this today when I was, honest injun, trying to figure out a way to knit while on the treadmill. I was at the Y, just minding my own business, put out that I’d forgotten my Kindle, and then it occurred to me, if I could walk AND knit, life would be nearly perfect.
Yeah, I’ve got it bad. It was bad enough that I could walk and read (my all time favorite pass time) but now I’m working out the logistics in my head of how to work stitches while on the treadmill. They have doctors for this kind of addiction and interventions, even. I already knit while riding in the car and let my husband drive us all over in his truck so he can smoke (which is verbotten in my car) and I can knit. I take a little project with me everywhere. At Christmas I had a hot pad project in my coat pocket and did it while standing in line a the post office.
In the over 20 years I’ve been knitting I’ve never been this bad. Not even when I first started. Now I knit at mass, of all places. Use quicksilver needles, folks, they will never hear you. Oops, I’m enabling.
So for all of you new knitters out there, SAVE YOURSELVES! It’s too late for us. You’ll get my needles when you pry them from my cold dead hands.
