The New Adventures of Nadja or My Life as Claire

Hi everyone, I haven’t been around much lately, I’m trying to stay busy. I try not to be home too much it’s just too depressing. I’m home right now but I’m going to get going soon to my LYS. I have to drop off some supply lists for some classes that I’m going to be teaching next year and I’ll hang out and knit for a little while. I really want to thank all of you for all the love and support you’ve given to me over the last couple of months, and Ellie (nobones) I will never be able to thank you for what you’ve done for me.

As the title of my new blog indicates I’m trying to start a new life whether I like it or not. As some of you know my real name is not Nadja but I prefer Nadja, she’s more exotic and beautiful and confident than I am but she’s also an invention of my DH Jerry and I’m trying to get beyond that now. I miss him a lot but I’ve been mourning for a long time longer than he’s been dead. The man I fell in love with and married ceased to exist long ago. I still cry a lot and I sit with my KH Big Hug. Sometimes I wonder how long I’m going to be sad. Sometimes I hate my life but that’s when I’m alone and thinking hence the reason I’m never home. I want to start working again just to get a routine going and to bring some cash in so I’m looking for work. I’m hoping to find something maybe in union organizing, I don’t think I want to model anymore as much as I love it, it’s a part of my old life I just want to move on. Besides it gets a little harder every year. I have started working out again which is great, I feel so much better after a good workout.

Well I gotta to get going. Smell ya later!

:hug:

:hug:My dad feels the same way. In fact, he just left yesterday for an extended trip in his RV. I don’t know when he’ll be back home but he said he needed to get out of the house. I know it feels like forever that you’ve been in mourning, but don’t rush yourself. It’s only been 4 months since mom died and both my dad and I said it feels worse now than at the beginning. Time will heal the wound, but you’ll always miss Jerry.

So…you used to model? For who? Are you in magazine? What kind of modeling? Got any pictures??? LOL

I continue to think of you and pray for you Nadja.

I’m an artist model. I wish I was in magazines then maybe I’d be making some real money and I wouldn’t have to worry about cash. My avatar is a painting of me that Jerry did about 20 years ago.

:heart:My dad’s been gone five years, but it still feels like yesterday. He had been sick for a long time too and had health issues for many years, but it still was a shock when it happened. Any new confidence I had gained after my gastric bypass surgery and subsequent weight loss seemingly went out the window when I lost my daddy and it’s been hard to get it back. You do what you gotta do when you can and want to. He was the more stearn one of my parents, but also the typcial dad that was scared for his baby girl and “the only man a girl can trust” like Frenchie from Grease said to Sandy. It seemed like even though I was on my own, daddy was always there watching to make sure I didn’t fall on my bum. So, even though my mom is my biggest cheerleader and loves me very much, she is 2k miles away. I feel semi-orphaned being in ND.
Of course, this isn’t about me, but it’s a long winded attempt to say, “I know sort of how you feel.” I honestly believe it’s harder to lose a spouse than a parent because you sort of know your parents won’t be around forever and your spouse/mate is someone you chose to be with. I hope each day the happy memories do make you smile. Sometimes just when you feel you’ve got it beat, but then seeing a moment with others that you had with your Jerry will hit you like a brick…but you’ll get through it. Think of it as him showing you his love in a whole new way.
:heart: :heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart:

I remember losing my dad in '94 and it was hard but it was nothing compared to losing Jerry. Sometimes I’d like to just take off and drive cross-country and forget about the last 4 years but I can’t because he’s always there. I’m trying to get back into the world. On Friday I went to a fund raiser and I saw an old friend of mine. Afterwards we talked and had drinks and I felt so weird because I was out with a man who wasn’t my husband and I was having a good time with a man who wasn’t my husband. I felt like I was being unfaithful. What’s even worse is that we’re going to see each other again on Friday and I’m really looking forward to it. It’s not like we’re going to do anything, we’re just going to do 1st Friday which is a big thing in the arts community in Philly but as much as I want to see him I also feel very weird. I think I just need the company of a very good friend who just happens to be a man. He seems to understand what I’m going through.

It’s time to take care of you, so do whatever makes you feel a bit better. You’ll always have the sadness, but throw that stupid guilt away. It serves no purpose except to make you feel worse for no reason. :hug:

Just wanted to send you one of these:

:hug:

It’s nice you can go out with someone and feel safe Sure sounds like you’re trying to get out and about, which is all part of healing. Take your time and do what feels right. :grphug:

Glad to have you back!

Remember that we are all here for you:grphug:

Maybe we’ll run into each other at First Friday. I’ll look for the fabulously beautiful woman from your avatar!

Spikey :heart:

Hey! What happened to my post! :??:hair:

Well, here’s one three of these! :hug::hug::hug:

I went to first Friday tonight but my friend was a no show. He got stuck in Minn. on business. So I did the gallery crawl by myself and it wasn’t that bad. I was really surprised by how good the artwork was at some of the galleries and I saw a lot of old friends, unfortunately they all wanted to talk about Jerry, which was kind of depressing but I got through it. I’m really tired so I’m just going to say bon soir and go to bed. Smell ya later.

I think the first time you see someone after the death of a loved one, the other person feels like they [I]have[/I] to talk about that before more mundane things. I suspect that if they didn’t bring it up first, they might feel that they were diminishing the importance of it.

Once that wall is broken through, though, people can move on, and you can suggest talking about something else withoutfeeling like you’re ignoring the ‘elephant in the living room’ so to speak.

:hug::hug::hug:

It sounds like you are on the right track. Get out and do things you enjoy, and don’t feel guilty about it. Even if it is a male friend, there’s nothing wrong with that!

Those are good points, Ingrid. It makes complete sense!

I’m so pleased your getting put and about, it’s what Jerry would have wanted. Stick with it and the knitting and keep your fingers away from those yukky sticks! (You know what I mean girl!)

Great big hugs as always.

:grphug:

Big big :hug::hug::hug:

Thanks everyone for the great advice. :grphug: I’m still knitting and I’m still smoke-free :woot:.

It’s hard going out as a single woman to have a drink or two so mainly I stay home at night. I try to find events to go to. On Thursday night I’m going to the opening of the new building of the Phila. Museum of Art with a girl friend and Saturday my union is holding an award ceremony which I’m going to by myself but I know a lot of people who will be there.

I did get out of town this weekend with my beagle Lily. We stayed with friends who have a home in the country. We went to a great flea market and I spent more than I had intended but I got some really great deals. I drank a little more than I usually do but you got to go crazy sometimes. I guess I’ll be cleansing my system this week. I’m so tired. I think I’m going to lie down.

:muah::muah::muah::muah::muah:

Well I never got to take a nap, just as I was going to lay down I got a call from one of my mom’s doctor’s office. Apparently she decided to go there so she could give me directions in 2 weeks when I’m going to be taking her in to see the Dr. They had moved the practice and she wasn’t sure about the location. She didn’t understand Google. She’s so sweet and I love her and I want to be able to help her but I’ve got to be able to go back to work and her Alzheimer’s is getting worse. Thankfully she has friends who are able to help me by watching out for her.