Rules To Live By

Ok, I was in serious need of a chuckle this morning and thought this was funny so I decided to share :slight_smile:

[COLOR=Black]1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. [/COLOR] [COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][COLOR=Black]
2. Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often. [/COLOR][/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][COLOR=Black]3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car. [/COLOR][/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][COLOR=Black]4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. [/COLOR][/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][COLOR=Black]5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before. [/COLOR][/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][COLOR=Black]6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. [/COLOR][/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][COLOR=Black]7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. [/COLOR][/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][COLOR=Black]8. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.) [/COLOR][/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][COLOR=Black]9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. [/COLOR][/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][COLOR=Black]10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. [/COLOR][/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][COLOR=Black]11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. [/COLOR][/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][COLOR=Black]12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good. [/COLOR][/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][COLOR=Black]13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. [/COLOR][/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][COLOR=Black]14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. [/COLOR][/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][COLOR=Black]15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes. [/COLOR][/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][COLOR=Black]16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. [/COLOR][/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][COLOR=Black]17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. [/COLOR][/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][COLOR=Black]18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. [/COLOR][/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][COLOR=Black]19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.[/COLOR][/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=Black]20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. [/COLOR] [COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][COLOR=Black]
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. [/COLOR][/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][COLOR=Black]22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. [/COLOR][/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][COLOR=Black]23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. [/COLOR][/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][COLOR=Black]24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. [/COLOR][/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][COLOR=Black]25. It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat. [/COLOR][/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][COLOR=Black]26. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.” [/COLOR][/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][COLOR=Black]27. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.” [/COLOR][/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][COLOR=Black]28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. [/COLOR][/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][COLOR=Black]29. You should not confuse your career with your life. [/COLOR][/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][COLOR=Black]30. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance. [/COLOR][/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][COLOR=Black]31. Never lick a steak knife. [/COLOR][/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][COLOR=Black]32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip. [/COLOR][/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][COLOR=Black]33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time. [/COLOR][/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][COLOR=Black]34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. [/COLOR][/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][COLOR=Black]35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven. [/COLOR][/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][COLOR=Black]36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers. [/COLOR][/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][COLOR=Black]37. Your friends love you anyway.[/COLOR] [/FONT][/COLOR]


LOL! These are all great! Thanks for sharing!

[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][COLOR=Black]There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

Should this be the KH motto? :teehee:

So many to love! #3 is great!:roflhard:

This is good. :yay:

I feel like I ought to print the list out and keep it over my desk to look at when I start taking my life too seriously! Thanks!


I love these. Unfortunately #22 is so true for us now. We are finally ready to buy a house that fits our family and our nation has a housing crisis. I am going to put these up in my classroom to remind me of what I should and should not take seriously. Thanks for the laugh.

I broke up with two different guys because of number 8. Well… not specifically number 8… i had never seen number 8 before I broke up with them, but I agree with it and never saw them again after seeing them treat waitstaff rudely.

to be clear… two different guys on separate occasions. I wasn’t into THAT kind of dating. :wink:

These are really great and SOOOOOOOOOO true!! I posted your list on another forum and it sparked a quite lengthy discussion on which rule is your favorite. Every time I read the list another one jumps out at me.

I am sure this was originally intended to be humerous but if you really think about it they are all SOO TRUE.

Today my favorite is #3, I’ve grown weary this week of people who think they are better than others because of what they do on Sunday. but then 31 is very good advice as well!

[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][COLOR=Black]7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

This is actually rule number one for how I live my life.


#34!!! First day at my new job and some guys goes “so when are you due?” WTF??? Moron :noway:

Thanks for that!!! :thumbsup: I’ve saved it and will pass it on!

:roflhard: Why not? :??

Oh so many of those are so true! Notably, for me, number 8, 19, 21 and mostly :
27, the fine line between hobby and mental illness - absolutely true for me, I jump over the line regularly :wink:
28 - for obvious reasons :slight_smile:

Thanks so much for this, I’m looking forward to my friends’ reactions :wink:

Those are GREAT!!!

What line? Where the Hanover is it? I wish someone would explain this to me! Can’t even find it with SatNav.

Great thread - just love it!


Need to add this one:

Never, NEVER, say, “Uh-Oh” while cutting your teenage son’s hair…