People are insensitive

I know that most people do not know that dh and I have been trying to conceive for 16 months now. We have been selective about those who know…just our parents and our best friends.

So I know that this person did not intend to hurt me, and I don’t blame them. At the same time, I wonder where they learned their manners!

At the grocery store the other day, we ran into someone we haven’t seen in quite awhile. He asked us where our “other little one” was. We smiled and said, “Oh no, we still have just the one.” And he replied back with, “You should really get working on that. Because it’s better for kids to have closer siblings. It teaches them how to get along with other kids and blah, blah, blah…”

I know it wasn’t intentionally cruel, but we would love to have another child, and short of artificial means, we are doing EVERYTHING we can do.

I just wonder: WHY is it his business? Really?

Misty

You’re right, it is none of his business, but lots of people seem to like to make it theirs. I experienced the same when I had a miscarriage. What are people thinking??

I’m sorry that you’re struggling, and while this person has no idea of the details so was probably completely unaware of the hurt it caused, it still hurts a lot. :hug:

Totally – people just don’t get it. I had a totally nosey woman on my case about having another, just a few weeks after my miscarriage. I looked her straight in the eye, and said, “You know, if it were up to ME, I would have another already. But it’s NOT.” That totally shut her up – she never asked again. :twisted:

I’m sorry :hug:

I have a tendency to lose all manners when someone comes up with something rude like that. I call it fighting rude with rude. I would have flat out told the guy “my husband and I have been trying to conceive for 16 months. I wish I had a miracle solution, maybe you can keep me in your prayers for one.” Who cares is he feels like a cad afterward?
Anyway, you probably handled it alot more diplomatically than I would have and I commend you. Hope you have success soon and don’t worry too much about the idiots. :hug:

:shrug: I don’t understand why people do that. Even if you didn’t want another child, in what way is that anybody’s business?

It’s ridiculous though. I don’t want children and I get criticized sometimes for it. You have one, and it’s still not enough. And I bet you people with “too many” children are criticized as well. I mean really… :wall:

There is a ten year gap between my first and second child…so I think I endured about nine and half years of " When will you be having another one"

Sometimes I think people just ask that question to fill in gaps in the conversation, other times like the guy who asked you they think maybe you haven’t figured out the benefits of siblings yet:oo:…I varied my responses depending on who did the asking, but generally the " We would dearly like another child, but have not been blessed with one yet" reponse worked best.

I see how his comment could have hurt your feelings, but it was just an innocent comment. It wasn’t rude or made with malice. If you are sensitive about a certain issue in your life, why do you let other people make you feel worse about something out of your control?

I know how it is when people ask about the whole kids thing. My husband and I both have “fertility issues” and we have been unable to conceive so far. We will probably try some sort of fertility treatments in the future, but we havn’t yet. However, so many people ask “when are you having kids” and “you’re not getting any younger” (we’re 27). To begin with these things really hurt me even though they weren’t meant to be malicious. After this went on for awhile I finally started answering “I’m infertile” and believe me, that shut them up real quick.

Stitchwitch has the right idea - fight rude with rude. Even if it is your own family - they will understand and will most likely be supportive.

:hug::hug::hug::hug:

That’s just how people are… Rude and unthoughtful, except for KH of course :hug:! I am the youngest (26) at my office and a few people a bit older (mid 30’s) than i have babies. So our General Manager is always saying in office gatherings things about me having a baby already. So i decided to fight rude with rude, like Stitchwitch said. I answered :“Get out of my womb already, are you going to raise my paycheck so i can afford myself a baby?”. That being said in front of everybody shut him up alright:thumbsup:! You could ask the guy to come over at night just to check how you and your DH are getting along with the project, i’m sure he would’ve avoided you forever :twisted:.

Firstoff, thank you for sharing such a sensitive topic with us KH’ers. I have two babies myself and wouldn’t think if saying such a thing. Msoebel, I’m sorry you had such an awful encounter. :hug: You and your DH will have a child eventually. It’s easier for me to say, “ignore the arse”.

Hang in there, I will :pray: for you and your DH. :hug:

WOW! That is awfully rude, and personal! From someone you haven’t seen in a while to say that. I’m not sure why people feel it’s their prerogatives to mention your “baby making” habits their business.

I’m 31, not married, and my co-workers and friends feel the need to tell me to “hurry up and get married”, and “when ARE you going to have kids”, and “Isn’t your biological clock ticking?”

My responses are usually along the lines of “Ticking? is that what that is? I thought it was the tell tale heart” <–I usually get blank looks. Or “hmmmm, married, babies…I don’t want to spend money on babies right now, I have yarn to buy”, or “I’ll get married and have babies when I’m ready. I’m obviously not, and I’d think you’d be glad I’m not rushing into anything since you’re always complaining about people needing a license for a car but not for a kid…” People usually stop asking me about that after I retort.

I [B][I][U]completely [/U][/I][/B]understand…

DH and I have been trying for 3.5 years now (though he has been deployed for the last year of that…)!

It does really hurt when people say “aren’t you ever going to have kids” (we have been married for 7.5 years now, are are now both 29). It also hurts me when I see my younger sister-in-law (now 23) have 2 babies in the last 3 years (and neither was planned) and then other close family friends haing babies too (again, mostly 18-22 yrs olds, with unplanned babies). I am an only child and people ask my parents all the time “when are you going to be grandparents”? It’s hard on them too, people always asking, but luckily they are very supportive of us ans know we have been trying and that it’s a sensitive issue.

I also hate it when people say “oh, you should wait to have kids, enjoy married life first” (again, we have been married 7.5 years! - longer than a lot of marriages last these days) or when they say “you are so lucky you don’t have kids, they are so much trouble”. That really hurts too… :frowning:

IBAmyB :hug: Praying for you and your DH as well :slight_smile:

Nice retort Letah!!! :thumbsup: I :heart: it!

I really hate when people assume things and “make conversation” with that kind of questioning!!! Why do they think everyone else must fit into their perfect world of married couples and 1 or 2 years apart siblings!!!:hair::gah:

You know what really gets me is when someone brings their newborn into the office, which honestly I think its fantastic, just don’t expect me to coo all over them and hold them.

Recently, a friend of mine had his wife bring their baby in and he walked around and introduced him and let everyone hold him and then asked if I wanted to hold him, to which I politely said no thank you. He knows my situation. It just kindof put me in an awkward position to explain, I’m sorry, it’s me. I’m a big baby and I feel sorry for myself, so I can’t hold your baby. Wow, I hope that passes someday.

Since my dh and I cannot have children, it always puts me into a funk. I can make things for babies without a problem. I just can’t hold them. I have my own private pity party every time…same thing happens at baby showers.

DH and I are just the opposite. Got pregnant with the first on the honeymoon and the second 8 1/2 months later. We are always getting, “Are you done?” “Don’t you think they are too close in age?”

Now we are having to think about not having anymore because of problems with me, and everybody in the family are like, will at least you have Mel and Ed. We always thought we would have 3 or 4. I pray for all those who want children and are having problems, and I pray for those who do not want any (for those I pray everything stops telling them they need children). Children are gifts, and sometimes the gift comes late, or not the box you expect.

Big :hug: to everyone TTC, who don’t want to, or who can’t :hug:

My DS is two now and all my family seem to be watching and waiting for me to have another, and this time it’s GOT to be a girl. Thing is I am trying but nothing is happening at the moment. I just don’t want to be telling everyone else that.

It’s a shame people don’t think how hurtful/insensitive these comments can be, or how much pressure they put on.

I think the guy was not being rude, thoughtless or insensitive. He was merely making conversation. Since the conception problems were not widely known, he wouldn’t know to avoid the subject. He was just trying to be friendly.

This is a VERY sensitive issue with me and a million other couples out there. My god, right after we got married I was constantly being asked BY COMPLETE STRANGERS in our church whom I had never once held a conversation with when we were having a baby. Just because by that time my brother and his wife had just had their first baby.

It doesn’t matter if it wasn’t said with malice or rudeness - it’s just PLAIN RUDE to ask someone such a personal question. No matter how close you are to them. TTC is such a roller coaster ride that no one can understand unless you are on that ride. And trust me, no one wants to be on that ride any longer than they have too.

Asking someone if they are going to have kids is such a personal issue that after all these years I’m still amazed at how often people ask the question and then the couple on trial sits there and worries that [I]they [/I]are the ones who answered the question rudely!!!

At this point in our lives I just fight rude with rude. It makes me feel so much better knowing I put that person in an uncomfortable position and that maybe they won’t do that to anyone else.

Things don’t have to be said with malice or rudeness to hurt someone. Stupidity reins high and anyone who can’t understand that needs to stop and think before they write something else that’s insensitive.