(including my DH not talking to his mom for a month because she was sor horrible).
Sara, this may not bring you a lot of comfort, but it seems like your husband at least knows the score and sides with you…this must be somewhat of a consolation (albeit a small one probably). Some husbands never side with their wives and always side with their relatives, no matter how innocent a wife may be or how horrible the husband’s family can be. And yes, there are some mothers of sons out there that think that no matter who their son chooses, she might make a fine girlfriend, but that girl isn’t good enough to be his wife! (personal experience here)
DL, I’m going through the same thing, only not with the MIL, but with my own mother. She is, how shall I say… unspeakably negative and abusive. It has only become worse since my father passed away - I think he held her in check to some extent, but with his passing the gloves came off. My sister and only sibling is very much her mother’s daughter, which makes things doubly distressing. In short, they tag team me. I find myself sympathizing with Anne Elliot from Persuasion a lot.
Mercifully, I married into a family of warm, open-hearted people, and my MIL is as funny and sympathetic as I had ever wished my own mother to be. For her, I would knit anything. My mother…not so much. I spend as little time with my mother and sister as I possibly can get away with, and since my marriage, this has proved to be a satisfactory arrangement for us, and I think for them as well.
In terms of the project… let your conscience guide you. The fact that you contemplate this at all shows what a wellspring of compassion and regard for doing right you have. This is to your credit! But as others have offered before, there are ways of making the gesture without bankrupting yourself emotionally or materially. Consider what she might deem useful; ask your DH for his opinion, if you think it will offer insight.
Trying to balance the amount of effort against the potential level of appreciation in planning a project is nearly impossible. Rare is the individual who will praise a handicraft at or above its worth to its creator. When we undertake these projects for difficult people in our lives, our reasons are many - a sense of duty or obligation, a wish to mend relationships, etc. I have come to recognize the hard way that no matter the motive for the project, the resultant reaction must not be counted on. I have made crafts for members of my family, and have received little in the way of gratification from acknowledgement, let alone praise; but I have learned to let go of the result. A lesson in the virtue of humility, though it does go hard… and it has caused me to do less for those who do not show any gratitude for the work. I don’t know if this makes me mean-spirited, resentful, or just human.
It does bring me comfort because he does listen to me and realizes what happens. Sometimes I have to point things out to him because, as a guy, he isn’t to observant…like one time when the three of us were sitting around the dining room table and he and his mother had a converation for 1.5 hours and never included me. Even though he realizes what she does the down fall is he never done anything about it…he never stands up to his mom. I desperatley want to do so because usually I don’t take crap but I haven’t done it to her because the last thing I want to do is cause more issues! I agree - for some mom’s it doesn’t matter WHO it is they are never going to be good enough for her son…but that is hard at the same time because I just wish she could see how happy and how well I take care of him and just be happy that it isn’t worse…I don’t think my DH and I are going to have children, but if we ever do I’m going to take these lessons and NEVER be like that.
I tend to be very choosy as to whom I will make something for. I have issues with much of my DHs family since several of them had tried to break us up early in our relationship {they were successful temporarily unfortunately}. Any of those involved in that “conspiracy” will never get as much as a simple dishcloth that I have made, which are the most meaningless item I make emotionally and financially {for my basic pattern, I get dozens out of a ball of cotton, and they take me less than 30 mins. to crochet}. At the same time, I will make the most difficult and intricate patterns out of the costliest of materials for others. I make those for people that will appreciate it… meaning that they will use and love the items I’ve made even if they don’t fully understand how much it took from me. My mother’s family has basically abandoned us since her death, to the point that only one of my aunts has ever seen Lissa, and that was just prior to Christmas, right before she turned two. That aunt is the only person in my mother’s family that will ever receive anything that I have made since she is the only one that hasn’t fully turned her back on us. {Note: Over 50% of my Mom’s family lives in our city or the suburbs, with a further 25% in the same province with less than an hour drive here}.
My personal family issues aside, I will only commit as much of myself to a project as I’m willing to lose for that person. If I felt the “need” to make something for my MIL or SIL, I would make it something that I could give freely of myself… a simple afghan that I can crochet in a week out of yarn that I wanted to get rid of from my stash; a knitted scarf out of some inexpensive novelty yarn; etc. That way if my worst fears are realized, they absolutely hate it, and get rid of it immediately, I haven’t lost anything personally since I didn’t put any emotional value on it. Clear as mud?
You are very lucky if your DH supports you. I have been married to my DH for 11 years now and it is only in the last year or so that he can ever admit that a) I am not imagining things and b) his family aren’t perfect and I am not always just being a miserable “B”. Mind you that is probably only because they have finally figured that he isn’t perfect and are only indulgent with him now rather than super-dooper smotheringly indulgent. And of course we have children now who are no longer cute little babies and the in-laws excuses not to spend time with them even though they only live 10 mins by car away and are retired and in good health are getting more and more pathetic. I used to feel like I always had to be present at any get-togethers but have found that since I absent myself 2/3 of the time now that our mutual dislike is not so intense and they have to focus on each other and not just on me.
They all (my DH included) still think I am a bit odd but I can’t be bothered with too many visits when they spend 3/4 of the time talking in a language I can’t understand (Dutch) when they speak fluent english and don’t bother to teach the children their language but seem to expect that they should just be able to speak it like native Dutch anyway.
Anyway enough venting, I would NOT do a big project such as an afghan for MIL. I have made 2 scarves for my MIL and never seen her wear either of them and would be mightly p…'d off if I had made something as significant as an afghan for her. As it is she makes stupid comments when she sees I am knitting something like “oh are you still knitting” in a tone that implies I must be an idiot and “oh another jumper for for the child - she has too many already”. I better stop this before I start venting about my own family, plenty of fodder there too.
Good luck and I’d stick to the dishcloth, scarf or other small project idea for the MIL.
Boy, I must have a lot of sisters separated at birth! :roflhard: Wynnie, my mom too is unspeakably negative and VERY critical and not very supportive (not abusive, though), and although my dad is negative too, he really doesn’t stand a snowball’s chance in you-know-where against my mom! It took me a long time to get past the point of always seeking her approval because I’d never get it; I’m never going to measure up. That’s okay though. I just do my best trying to be a good wife and a good mom; some days are more successful than others. She’s totally oblivious to how critical she can be I know; I’ve tried to point it out to her, but she constantly suffers from hurt feelings if you say the slightest thing, so I’ve given up.
You are very lucky if your DH supports you. I have been married to my DH for 11 years now and it is only in the last year or so that he can ever admit that a) I am not imagining things and b) his family aren’t perfect and I am not always just being a miserable “B”.[quote]
glomper, can my husband take lessons from your husband? :rofling: He still doesn’t get it either. He’s pretty oblivious to anything his family says or does, and most of the time he’s out of the room when things are said or implied. I’ve figured that after all these years, it doesn’t do any good to point it out to him if he’s not going to see things for what they are. He’ll have to see it in his own time. I “imagine things” and it’s my family with the “issues”, and I’m always “miserable”.
[quote]And of course we have children now who are no longer cute little babies and the in-laws excuses not to spend time with them even though they only live 10 mins by car away and are retired and in good health are getting more and more pathetic.[quote]
What is it about people that insist they want to be grandparents–they love whipping out the pictures to brag to people–but don’t want to spend time with their grandkids??? Without going into too much detail, there’s a lot of this going around in my neck of the woods. It’s always that somebody is “sick” or “might be sick” or some other lame excuse. I don’t get it. Yeah, I might get run over by a truck today, but I’d still like to visit with my new little nephew!
[quote]I used to feel like I always had to be present at any get-togethers but have found that since I absent myself 2/3 of the time now that our mutual dislike is not so intense and they have to focus on each other and not just on me.
I’ve strongly considered this, but I can’t see my husband obliging to this. If I worked outside of the home, my next best solution would’ve been to conveniently arrange my work schedule so that I’d have to work on the day of the function, though. :lol:
