OT-Way OT I'm afraid, but I need some direction. Long Post

It’s hard to even know where to start.

There is a group of internet friends I have, and we’ve created our own little cyber community, it’s been in place for about 2 years now. In that time we’ve had quite a few people have babies (most of us are married), and it’s been a great ride going through their pregnancies with them through to the birth of the child and subsequent growing up.

Unfortunately one of the girls is having trouble conceiving, and has just started on some fertility drugs to assist. And I understand that this is hard on her and her husband, and we’ve all bee there as much as we can for her.

Much to my own joy, my husband & I have decided to start our own family. Neither of us have family ‘histories’ with pregnancy issues, so don’t see why it should take too long for us to conceive. This was our first month (I test this weekend). I always envisaged being able to share my joy and excitement, nervousness and probably occasional disappointments until we got that BFP (big fat positive). However… I find that I’m being asked not to get too excited within our ‘cyber space’ as the chat room keeps history, which is apparantly causing some distress to … let’s call her Mrs C.

I’ve been called insensitive, tactless and rude. As much as I’ve tried not to be too ‘in her face’ with it, other ‘members’ are telling me to reign it in. To my knowledge, I’m the only one who’s been asked to do this. Not even the woman who IS pregnant at the moment is being asked to not talk about her pregnancy… Only me who is in the early stages of TTC (trying to conceive).

I get that it would be hard for her, and I am truly sorry that her body isn’t picking up the ball, so to speak, but at the same time I feel like at a time where I should be able to be excited and happy, I’m being told that I’m insensitive because I think that I’ve had implantation pains or whatever. Not that I really know WHAT is going on with my body… but there are signs … y’know?

I’m too scared to say anything for fear of recrimination, but yet I feel that this is all going one way. How can I be excited for me, but not show it to anyone?

It’s really quite tearing me apart.

Gosh, I don’t even know where to start, except that I completely understand what you mean about having a community of internet pals… I have the same thing. There are about 10 of us and we branched off of a wedding site and have been going strong for about 5 years. Anyway, through marriage, now divorces, babies, miscarriages…

You have every right to be happy about trying to conceive and about the possibility of being pregnant. However, this person who is also on your list is having a terribly hard time becoming pregnant. I have a good friend who is going through this, I miscarried once and my sister went through 2 years of infertility, was on an adoption waiting list, became pregnant and just gave birth to a healthy baby boy.

Anyway, things are often misinterpreted on e-mail. You may want to ask why you have been asked to “reign it in” and others have not. Is Mrs. C complaining “off list” to others about what you have been saying? Have you e-mailed Mrs. C yourself privately to find out if she would like you not to mention these types of things? I know that while people who are having trouble conceiving may be very sad at the fact that there are people all around them getting pregnant, having babies, etc… they are also happy for you. That you get to go through these things, even if they can’t.

I guess I babbled a lot and did not really help you, except to say, talk to her and see what she thinks and to the others who have spoken to you. See what they have to say. Maybe this is not the place to share your total excitement about what is going on. Maybe the KH forum is the place for that. :smiley: Or just in your own personal friends for now. I will keep my fingers crossed for a positive sign soon!!

Thanks for replying Sara.

I have sent her a couple of emails, but she seems to be in the mindset that it’s easier for her if she doesn’t talk to me, which is understandable. It just hurts that we are finally able to ttc (we have waited 3 years) and I’m so very excited about the whole experience, and I can’t seem to share it with my ‘closest’ friends. (yes, it’s sad… most of my closest friends I met off the 'net, but I know them IRL too… we hang out sometimes).

Anyway… seems I can babble too… I’m just hurt is all. I’ve never thought myself as a tactless, insensitive or rude person. And I care for these people dearly, and if it was in my power to help her and her husband conceive, than I would… but it’s not… I just feel like the happiness is being sucked out of my experience in the meantime…

If you ask me, I think that it’s insensitive to say such things as your friends have been saying to you. :expressionless: I mean, just because one of your friends is having trouble conceiving I don’t see why she can’t be happy for you as her friend that you don’t have the same problem that she does. Besides that, you probably have other issues and it is likely that no one has been admonished to take care or be ultra-sensitive to them.

You could also reassure your friend that the ability to conceive does not determine her worth, and that you treasure her. Sometimes when people have problems like this, they just need that sort of comfort. But by no means should it detract from your own excitement!

If it would make her feel better, you could always involve her in the process. Sometimes living a little vicariously can help. Talk to her about tips that you’ve received about conception, let her talk about what she’s going through. A very valueable exchange of information could come out of this, not to mention that it may bring you closer.

Boy oh boy, a subject that I am all too familiar with. My husband and I struggled with infertility for about 3 years before conceiving our son via in-vitro fertilization. I was part of a very tight online group- and an infertility one at that!! I lost a very dear friendship because I supposedly “gushed” too much after finding out that I was pregnant. I apologized for hurting feelings, but not for gushing- we worked so hard and so long, and I wasn’t going to let anyone damper my happiness. My apology wasn’t enough.

Also, while I was trying to get pregnant, 3 women at my work got pregnant. I was happy for them- it was hard not to inwardly say “why not ME?!”, and I would have some sadness along with the happiness that I felt for them. One woman got pregnant, and I found out through the grapevine. When I said something to her about it, she said she hadn’t told me because she was afraid of hurting my feelings. I told her it would have been better to hear it straight from her, rather than hear whispers about it and feel left out.

I don’t see why you shouldn’t be able to enjoy this time in your life for what it is- an extremely exciting, wonderful time!! The people in your group should be happy for you and your husband- and willing to deal with their own feelings in order to allow you to express yours.
My opinion, anyway!! Good luck- I hope they are understanding, and I hope you get your baby soon. :heart:

While I think the best intentions are there, I personally would be very careful about offering tips about conception to someone who is having infertility issues. My husband and I have been TTC since February, and I was diagnosed back in June with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), and to be quite honest, the only people I want to hear conception advice from are other people with PCOS.

I think if it were me, I would be as supportive as I could be to this friend, and hope that she’ll come around. She’s probably going through some very tough times with her infertility issues and she may really want to be excited for her friends that are having successes, but it’s still hard when it’s so difficult for her. And if you really want to talk to someone about your own excitement as you start your journey, find a forum dedicated to that topic or chat off-line with those friends who’ve had a relatively easy time trying to conceive.

That said, I do think that you deserve to know why you’re being singled out on this topic, and that if she is having a problem with your excitement, she needs to talk to you. How are you supposed to act around her if you don’t know what it is you’re doing that’s bothering her?

I hope that I’m not coming off as being too insensitive about your plight. I went through the same excitement when we first started to try, but it’s sort of worn off now that we know there are some issues. I do really appreciate having the friends that I do, here on KH and IRL, who check in on me to see how things are going and offer encouragement.

Anyway, some babbling on my part too…Best of luck, I hope everything goes well for you and your friend and that you are able to patch things up with her…but if you do get pregnant on your first shot, I’m going to be really mad!!! And then I’ll get over it and be really happy for you! :heart: long-distance hugs :heart:

I don’t have much to add in the advice area. Sara really had a great idea about emailing off list and asking if Ms. C is having problems with you ttc. I hope that your friends are able to be happy for you.

We sure are! Please feel free to share all the news with us! TTC-ing is so exciting! A whole wonderful journey is opening up before you! Good luck!

You shouldn’t feel that you have to temper your happiness with someone else’s misery. You have every right to be happy for yourself.

It sounds as though Mrs C thinks she has a reason to avoid you. You’ve already tried to mend fences with her, perhaps someone in your group could act as an intermediary for the two of you so that you can make peace. It’s not fair of your friends to try to dictate what you can and can’t say. I must say that online communications are a real bee-otch sometimes. And I speak from experience. :rollseyes:

Good luck! I’m willing to listen to tales of happiness and tales of woe. Drop in anytime. When you have your first bundle of joy, you’ll have to send me an envelope full of that new baby smell. That would work, right? Coming from Australia? :lol:


Isn’t that what zip lock bags are for??

Well then,

Sara looks at wristwatch, taps foot

get to it!!

:roflhard: :roflhard: :roflhard:

I’m testing this weekend… so hopefully you only have to wait 9 months :stuck_out_tongue:

Plus the shipping time…

Perhaps you should just bring the whole baby over, we’ll go yarn shopping. :smiley:


hehe… DH would love that… hehe


I had to think a bit on this one…4am when I cant sleep seems now the PERFECT time to gather my thoughts! :lol:

DH and I struggled with infertility as well…I have PCOS (and Im glad to “check in” on FG from time to time!) and tried for some years to get pregnant unsuccessfully. We finally decided to “take a break” when I was about to lose my MIND. SO, I know where your friend may be at emotionally.

That said, I do not think it is your responsibility to set limits for what she can stand to expose herself to. It sounds to me like the others in your group may be trying to protect her. If that is the case, then while they may have the best of intentions, they are IMHO misguided. When I was in my most emotionally vulnerable state, if someone had tried to “baby” me (no pun intended) I would have been PO’ed!

People have all kinds of “good intentions” toward those they know are having issues TTC. “OH honey, if you just RELAX and dont think about it, you’ll get pregnant” “Have you thought about adoption?” “Maybe it’s just not meant to be…God works in mysterious ways, you know” All of these are pieces of advice that I heard over and over and over…from people that had NO IDEA what I was going through. If relaxing got someone pregnant, Id have a couple of baseball teams by now. Adoption is SUCH a personal issue…one that did NOT make me feel better about the way my body was rebelling against me. They have not much to do with each other. AND, that last one, well, you might as well say to someone, “Maybe Jesus doesnt WANT you to have a baby!” :rollseyes:

Anyway, I had to set my OWN limits, depending on my emotions. There were times that I could not BEAR to go to a baby shower, and then there were times I truly thought I was FINE, but suddenly broke down in tears at a family Christmas party because I was watching my cousins’ kids playing.

I could not avoid “life”, which included LOTS of preggo people. For one, my SIL, who has the same health issue as I do, became pregnant 4 months before her wedding. Yes, I was feeling all kinds of conflicting emotions, but she’s my SIL…I love her and I ADORE my niece. I have since the day I found out she was a little zygote. SIL was SO afraid to even TELL me she was pregnant…I was very glad to have a long talk with her about it. I was honest with her about my feelings of jealousy. She understood that there may be times that I wanted to experience pregnancy vicariously through her and that I wanted her to tell me about every twinge, swollen ankle and craving, and other times that I might just look at her and tear up. I asked her not to hold that against me. I was SO lucky to have her understanding. She has always been SO good about sharing Ella with me…In fact, after Ella was born, I was one of the few who could get her to sleep! I would see SIL giving me “looks” out of the corner of her eye that kinda said “I am SO glad that Kelly is Ella’s favorite”…its like she knew I needed that baby, too.

OK - sorry about rambling. Bottom line, I think you should talk to Mrs C. Tell her that your other well-meaning friends have worried about her reaction to your TTC. Ask her how she feels and ask her how much she wants to hear about it from you. Tell her, too, that she is such a good friend and that it hurts you to think about not being able to share any of your happiness and/frustration with her. I think you should work out a plan so that you can both be sensitive to each other…you wont be overwhelming to her (IF that’s how she’s feeling) and she wont be resentful of your happiness, which you certainly deserve to express when you see that BIG OLD +++.

BEST of luck to you, Tia…I hope I was able to help!

I can’t think of anymore to add either but wanted to say I’m sorry they are doing this to you and I hope we hear the exciting news soon!! :smiley:

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I had a similar experience when I got pregnant. I had a good friend who had shared with me the trouble she was having to conceive. After I told her I was pg, she basically just stopped talking to me (not completely ignoring me - she just sort of withdrew).

I felt hurt by her behavior, but at the same time I tried to just be understanding and give her the space that she needed. I was fortunate enough to conceive easily, so I could not fully appreciate her situation.

I think you’ve gotten great advice already, I’m not sure there’s anything I could add. Maybe just try to be understanding of her feelings, even though you might find them hurtful. Give her time, I’m sure she’ll come around.

Good luck for the test this weekend!

I have had to stop and cinsider this one, so I apologize for the late response.

I agree that you have the right to know why you are being singled out and asked to curtail your happy feelings about TTC. I think it is in extremely poor taste of anyone to ask you to do that. You are in a VERY exciting time of your life and you want to share it.

I know this will sound cold, and I truly do not mean for it to. I wonder what kind of friend Mrs. C is that she would be so jealous that she refuses to talk to you. I understand being hurt, but not cutting someone completely off. Friends don’t treat friends like that.

Tia, I am extremely happy that you and your hubby are in a position to TTC. Please do not allow anyone to let the wind out of your sails over this. ENJOY EVERY MINUTE!!! And always remember how much we love you!

I know EXACTLY where you are coming from on that one, Lis…I just have to add that I was NOT my usual self when I was going through all of my nonsense…I felt guilty about it the whole time, but I just wasnt. Tia’s friend may be experiencing the same inner conflict.

I DO hope they can talk about it…It’s not fair that Tia should feel any bit of sadness during this exciting time!

I don’t have anything to add for Tia. I think everone else has already said it better than I could. :thumbsup:

What I really wanted to comment on is the depth of love and support that we feel for each other. It’s amazing how much joy, sorrow, laughter, silliness, and just plain CARING we can give to each other, and how close people can be who’ve never (for the most part) met face to face.

Reading this tread has me tearing up at my desk at work. My baby days are long past - pushing 50 - but all you wonderful ladies have my support and best wishes whatever your fertility situation.

To KK, FT, and anyone else whose dreams haven’t been fulfilled, I wish you Peace and Serenity, and will keep my fingers crossed for whatever miracle you desire.

Tia, you deserve to be able to share your joy and excitement without worrying that your happiness may upset your friend. Real friends always want all the best for you. I hope the people in your other email circle are able to share in your experience without too much pain. We’re always here whenever you want to laugh with joy or scream with frustration, or even if you feel that you’re knocking your head against a wall with your other group.

Lots of hugs and :heart: :heart: to all the great KH group.
YOU ARE ALL AMAZING!! :cheering:


I know EXACTLY where you are coming from on that one, Lis…I just have to add that I was NOT my usual self when I was going through all of my nonsense…I felt guilty about it the whole time, but I just wasnt. Tia’s friend may be experiencing the same inner conflict.

I DO hope they can talk about it…It’s not fair that Tia should feel any bit of sadness during this exciting time![/quote]

I completely agree,and know that it is a stressful time, but you have the maturity, Kelly to say, “yes, I may be jealous, but I WANT to be a part of your joy.” It breaks my heart when people end friendships over silly little things like that. Tia, I REALLY hope tht you both are able to work past this and be happy for each other.