OT: Thinking about having a baby

#1

Hi all, this is the 4th time I’ve tried writing this post as I am very nervous of what responses I may get.

I don’t even know how it happened, I mean I’m the type of person who hates (Please don’t judge me on this) going out to restaurants because it seems like every kid under the age of 2 is within a 5 foot radius just screaming at the top of their lungs while the parents just laugh away.

I can’t believe I said that out loud :shock: I must sound like a horrible person, but for some reason I’ve just never been a ‘kid’ person. Please don’t get me wrong, I love my nephew and nieces and would put up with them for anything, but for some reason, sigh, I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

Then all of a sudden around last December I just started getting this overwhelming urge to have a baby. And its just gotten stronger and stronger ever since I told my DH. Now everytime I turn on the tv, someone is either finding out their pregnant or giving birth and then - BOOM - I’m a complete blubbering idiot. The tears just flow from god knows where.

Why is this happening? I never believed in the whole ‘biological clock’ story, is this what it is? And then on the other hand we are in no financial position to bring another life into this world. I keep going back and forth in my head, one second I talk myself out of it and then the next second that makes absolutely no sense either.

I’m going to be 30 this year, its a bit far away, but man, I’m going nuts here.

Any helpful, encouraging advice out there?

#2

I don’t know about helpful and encouraging, but what you describe sounds like a biological clock syndrome to me. Hell, I’m turning 26 this year and getting married, and my clock has been screaming at me to have a baby for about, oh, ten years now? You need to do what you think is right. Maybe borrow someone’s kids for a week and see how it goes?

#3

How does DH feel about having a baby? As for what you are feeling, it could be the biological clock, but I think that usually kicks in in the late 30’s when women feel time is running out. I don’t think what you are feeling is unusual.

If having a baby is something you both want to do then maybe it’s time to give it some serious thought. Obviously having a child if you are in dire financial straights is not a good idea so it’s a smart move to see where you stand and where you think you’ll be be in the next year or two.

#4

My two boys were both ‘accidents’ and to be honest if I had REALLY thought about it I would have been too selfish to decide to have a baby. I was lucky and the decision to try for a baby never had to happen but I do know this … if you wait until you are financially able … you’ll never have any!

I love my boys more than anything and the money is hard but you manage because you have to.

why don’t you NOT try and see what happens, sometimes when you are trying to have a baby it doesn’t work because you get so worked up about it …

good luck whatever decision you make.

#5

I had to LOL at your restaurant comment. As the mother of a 29 month old and a 10 month old, I feel your pain at the screaming toddler! :rofling:

Okay so here is the difference…your kids are not annoying! Its all those other kids. LOL

I felt the SAME way about kids before I had them. I loved my neices and nephews but was happy to give them back at the end of the day. Thought so many kids were obnoxious, etc.

And then I had my first. And your entire world will change. You will have such a different perspective. Really. Its amazing.

There is not a way to prepare yourself for having babies. And if you wait until you think you have enough you will never have children. And really, kids cost nothing to start, I mean they need to eat, you have 2 boobs! They need to sleep, you have a bed. They need love, ya got that. You are good to go!

If you really think you want kids, you need to give yourself time to explore that. You don’t ever want to go through life with a regret of never having kids. And I am not sure I have ever met someone who regreted having them. :smiley:

#6

Wow, I am now exactly what you were before Dec! It’s DH that’s like you! LOL

I think it is the biological clock thing. My mom keeps telling me that one day I will want to have a child, instead of shying away from them, but so far it hasn’t happened. It would give DH hope to read your post! My maternal instinct is completely satisfied by my furbaby (doggie). :heart:

#7

Doglover, I am starting to feel your pain, although I’m not quite as bad yet…but I’m noticing a change in my attitude towards kids…it’s scary!
I have a lot of friends with 3 or 4+ kids and they are just loving life! My biggest fear is sharing my love with a kid and my hubby, because I absolutely adore my hubby!!! He’s older than I am, so his clock is ticking a little faster than mine, but we both feel like we are too selfish to have kids. But they say if you wait until you’re “ready”, you’ll never be ready!! They say everything changes when you have kids, so you’ll never understand all the things moms say until you have them!!

#8

I agree with all that’s been said about there never being a “perfect” time to start a family - the right time is when you do it.

Since this is a very sudden desire for you, I would take some serious time to think about why you’re feeling the way you are, and to see if you still feel so strongly about it in six months or so. It’s possible that you are just feeling the big 3-0 coming up and need some sort of change in your life. Once you have kids, you can’t change your mind and go back.

But if after some soul searching and a lot of discussion with DH, you feel ready to make some kids, go for it! I know you’ll be happy either way. :smiley: :thumbsup:

#9

ITA that if you wait until you can “afford” kids then you’ll be waiting a long time, lol. My friend’s dad (father of 12) always says, when people ask him how he could afford that many kids, “no one can afford kids – you always want to give them more than you can, no matter how many there are.” It all has a way of working itself out, once you sort out what sacrifices need to be made.

As far as not being a kid lover…it will be different with your own, I promise. And you’ll become more tolerant of crying babies, lol. :smiley:

#10

I totally agree with what everyone else has said.

Like you, I had absolutely no desire to have children until close to my 30th birthday. Then, all of a sudden I found myself thinking about having kids all the time. I even started compiling lists of my favorite baby names. :wink:

I agonized over my decision to have kids. I tried to intellectualize it – I read a ton of books, but ultimately I went with my gut feeling.

I now have two boys – my oldest will be 4 on Sunday, and I have an eight month old baby as well. Having kids is the best thing I’ve ever done, and also the hardest. My life has changed so much – my goals, aspirations, even my views about the world have altered.

I agree that there is really no way to totally prepare yourself. The most important thing that babies/children need is love. As long as you can give that, everything else will work itself out.

#11

Oh my gosh, you all have said some pretty impressive things. Thank you so much.

Sfavereau - I totally agree with you about your furbaby! I just call them my kids! If I could I’d have 10 more dogs, I love dogs.

I don’t know though about the whole ‘if you wait till you can afford them, you’ll never have any’ theory. In my heart I know you are probably right, but in my head that makes no sense :rollseyes: I’m so conflicted.

There are so many things in our lives that are up in the air that it wouldn’t make sense to start trying, but then I think, what if it takes us years to conceive? (I have endometriosis) And then I suffer from migraines and my hubby is type 1 diabetic. These also make me wonder if we should have kids. I wouldn’t in a million years wish a migraine on my worst enemy let alone my own child. And then my hubby worries about passing the diabetes also. And I also realize that there is no guarantee that they would get either of those, sigh, I am really over-thinking this whole thing.

I know that in the end I will go with my gut, it’s never failed me before! If I could just shut my brain down for a day or two… :wink:

I mean, raising kids in this day in age (who says that anymore!) just the thought of it scares the crap out of me. You wouldn’t believe the thoughts I’ve had, oy vey. I guess I just needed to vent to you to help me sort some of it out.

BTW, hubby is all for it, when we’re ready.

#12

This is part of the reason my bf and I have decided not to have kids once we are married. My family has a major history of alcoholism, depression, and various minor other traits. My mom is a recovering alcoholic, was diagnosed with bi-polar a year or so ago, and a few years before that was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. My dad’s side also has alcoholism, depression, and my dad’s dad died of heart problems.
Growing up I already know I’ve got issues with depression, and I’m worried about the bi-polar thing…if one day it just busts out like it did with my mom. Same with the fibro. It’s a terrible terrible thing to live with. And researching it has led me to believe I may have that as well. So, just knowing -my- history, I was worried about passing any/all of that to my kids.
My bf is adopted, so we don’t really know what his blood carries. Which kind of makes it worse. I’d rather know, so we could determine if it’s worth it.

The other part of why we decided not to is because of the world and society. I don’t have any hope that the world will ever be a better place then what it is now, and frankly that thought terrifies me. If this is as good as it’s going to be…

In the end we decided that the health risks and the way the world is going is not a good place for children to be raised in.
Additionally, we both agree there are far far too many people in the world. Of course, on the other hand, part of me wants to so that we could have a smart kid to try to keep the balance on all the idiots out there breeding like rabbits. (Not saying they are idiots for having lots of kids. Just that there are a lot of stupid people in the world.)

I realize I’m going against what most people have said here, but I’m just sharing my 2 cents.

Don’t get me wrong. I’d -love- to have a baby. I’ve always wanted the big preggie belly to rub and use as a resting spot for a glass of juice or something while I’m watching tv. And to watch my little boy or girl run around and know that I created that. It makes my heart gush at the thought of it.

We’re both young yet (I’m 22, he’s 24) but I plan on getting my tubes tied as soon as I can afford it. If, later on in life, we decide we made a mistake and wish we had had a child, there’s -always- the option for adoption. And I’m all about helping animals and people that are already here and need as much help as they can get.

The fact that I don’t have kids may be part of the reason I’m thinking the way I am, but it doesn’t change the fact that there’s other options out there.

Yes, our bodies are telling us we need to procreate. But I think it’s more of a instinctual need to ensure the species survives than anything else.
And honestly, I think there are too many people out there as it is.

Sorry this got so lengthy. Didn’t mean to turn it into a long post. Just wanted to get another perspective in the lot.

#13

This is true. I’ve wanted children for my entire life, I’ve done research and study on child psychology, human development, pre-pregnancy nutrition, pregnancy and childbirth healthcare and choices, early childhood education and parenting theory for the last ten years (and I’m only 25, I started in high school). I personally feel that it takes that much committment before becoming a parent to be truly successful, but I do know people who fudge it very well.

and while my fiance and I plan to procreate biologically, when I’m 35 the doors are closed. Anything that has or hasn’t happened by then is it. The risks after that are too high for me to consider pregnancy, especially when there are so many children out there who need the love and the roof I can provide for them.

There’s another option to surgery, called “essure”, that’s safer and just as effective (and possibly cheaper, too). www.essure.com

#14

If, in your heart, you want to have a baby, have a baby. Nobody was ever evicted because they had to buy diapers. You’ll manage.

The world is harsher than it once was, true; but raise your child with values and kindness, because good people make the world a better place, too.

I thought I knew what love was until I had my children. Boy, I didn’t know a thing.

Yes, there is worry, and fear, and guilt, and days when you wonder what the hell you were thinking. But then there’s the love you have for your children. And you know what? It’s really cool to be loved “best of all” just because you’re Mom. It’s also so nice to know that your mere presence can comfort.

It’s not all intellectual stuff, biological stuff or financial stuff. It’s much, much deeper.

#15

Thanks for the tip. I’ll definately be checking that out.
(And just so you know, if you want to edit your post, the link contains the period after .com and doesn’t work unless you delete it.) :slight_smile:

#16

I go back and forth even though the general opinion between my husband and I are no kids. But working at Target I see that worst of the worst. But then I see a little baby, soundly sleeping with it’s perfect little face and hands and feet and I smile. And I go through ups and down with my hormones, but something always snaps me out of it. I was really in a spot where I wanted more for us, so we got a dog. And she has filled that void in our lives. Maybe someday we’ll have kids, but I’m really thinking not. But that’s us, just me and him and the doggie makes three tonight :smiley:

#17

A resounding amen to that. It’s a soul-shaking change that I can’t find words to explain.

#18

I don’t have kids yet but I know that Ingrid is right on this one. And that statement sums up the beauty of having kids.
Yes, the world is a super scary place at times, but for each generation, I’m sure it was scary for them as well. We can’t live our lives in fear, wondering what may or may not happen. One person can’t always change the world, but one person can change your world.

#19

DON’T borrow someones kids for a weekend! i have for 4 kids about to #5 and i’ll be 29 this year. and i can honsetly say i am a kid person when it comes to my kids… but i have a very low tolerance for other peoples kids…even my neice. if your clock it ticking go for it. its always different when its your children. and as long as you treat them right and raise them right won’t no one be looking at you crazy wondering what is wrong with her! good luck and i hope everything is easy for you!

#20

This is sooo true for me too. Why is it that when I’m in walmart, or any store for that matter, there is some parent pushing a child SCREAMING at the top of their lungs? And they just poo pooey them. Or ignore them, or what seems like they are ignoring it.

There was one time that I’m in Joann’s minding my own business in the yarn dept. and this woman is walking up and down the aisle with her daughter just wailing. It got so bad that I had to leave the store. I was so pissed off. Why do people think its okay to let their kid do that? Why do parents take their kids out in public and let them act like little terrors?

I realize that the majority of parents do not allow this, but I must have some sort of sensory magnet in my body that attracts these people to the stores that I’m in!! :rofling:

Lets just say that when I’m in those situations, my maternal needs go into a coma. :wink:

If we could we would adopt a child, but it is just ridiculously expensive. I realize that they just can’t have anybody adopt a child, but they could lower the price just a tad.

I just want to thank everyone again for making me feel a whole lot better about this situation. You have all been such a help. :sunny: