OT: Not this again

#1

Some of you may remember, I had started a thread probably about a year ago or more now in the Off Topic section…

It was about how a friend of mine was laying on the pressure to go to her wedding that would be taking place on a cruise.

I had said back then that I really don’t want to go, it is expensive, I don’t want to have to take a plane and it is a vacation…not just a one or two day wedding event. It is a full week + extra.

The conclusion at the time was that after many frustraited feelings, we talked it out and basically it is too expensive. This was truely the best thing to say as my other phobias were just coming off as me being insensitive and bitchy.

The case has been reopened. She is done with her chemo (for those just tuning in or having forgot, she was going through breast cancer treatments at the time this whole thing started) and has now planned a date for the wedding. It is going to be the beginning of March, next year. She has planned it to leave from Florida, so if I don’t want to take a plane, we can drive down, and instead of the $2000 a person price tag, she says with the package that she has arranged, the low end price will be approx $800 a night, per person. Well…that significantly drops the original price from what would have been about $5000 for DH and I to go, to about $3000 (driving/motel expenses driving down, etc. + the $1600 what I am guessing is a US price…and other expenses)

I was talking to her about it all again tonight, hoping it had all be finalized as a “I can’t afford it” deal in the first place…that it wouldn’t be a sore point still…

So…she says this to me “There have been people who have had weddings in shorter time, that people have been able to come up with the money for such a trip” and the follow up “everybody needs a vacation” Basically saying that putting aside enough for a coffee a day would allow me to go, and that she has gone to the trouble of finding a cruise that leaves from somewhere I could drive to rather than fly.

Ok…the money is a little more reasonable…but it is DHs whole vacation time. I am also not working steadily making the money thing a little more difficult.

sigh I was hoping this issue was over and done with. I was hoping that this wouldn’t be an issue…

I had said to her “but you are still putting the wedding at a distance, not everyone will be able to go” to which her answer was, “those who want to will come, those who don’t, won’t.” I said, it isn’t a matter of want or not, it might be a money issue, to which she responded with the above comments about how little it costs…and how much everyone needs a vacation…

Why can’t it just be easy…am I being a horrible jerk for not wanting to go? Why am I even having to go through this again for a second time?

Maybe I should just go…

#2

>Maybe I should just go…<

No!! Sorry to say this since she’s your friend, but she’s being narrow minded & selfish. It seems that she’s used to people giving in to her wishes. If you can’t go then you can wish her well & look forward to seeing her pics when they return.

#3

Agreed.

#4

>Maybe I should just go…<

No!! Sorry to say this since she’s your friend, but she’s being narrow minded & selfish. It seems that she’s used to people giving in to her wishes. If you can’t go then you can wish her well & look forward to seeing her pics when they return.

Couldnt have said it better myself.

Maybe you could make her a little something to wear in the wedding…perhaps…a shawl?? I hear theres a really pretty one being tested right now…:roflhard:

#5

Oh there are already plans for a shawl…and I was going to make her a cross stitch with the wedding date on it…

I guess i am just really easily guilt tripped…

#6

My advice this year is the same as my advice last year (if I remember correctly);

Thank her for the invitation, express your joy at her wedding but tell her FIRMLY you are unable to attend AND DON"T FEEL GUILTY.

#7

Thank her for the invitation, express your joy at her wedding but tell her FIRMLY you are unable to attend AND DON"T FEEL GUILTY.

This too!!

#8

I find this to be one of the most aggravating things from people. I understand that she wants to have a destination wedding. That’s great, but SHE is the one who wants the destination wedding. Its so presumptuous and selfish to guilt people into taking their entire vacation and using it for their wedding. Plus, I get that 3k is less than 5k, but who could pull 3k out of their butt too. Thats a lot of money to spend to be a guest at someone else’s wedding. I had a friend do a destination wedding to Jamaica and was angry when 3/4 of her guest list wouldn’t come.

I would be honest. It’s too much money. It’s wasting a week of your vacation to be trapped on a boat. It’s selfish of her to expect people to do that for her wedding. And just firmly say no.

#9

I agree with everyone else, just say no. I think it’s ridiculously expensive to have to pay $3000 to attend a wedding. I wouldn’t do it for anyone. There, now try not to feel guilty!

#10

Didn’t she want you in the wedding party? Her matron of honor?

In any event, if you really don’t want to go, I think you need to tell her straight out that you simply cannot afford it. If you were independently wealthy it would be different. But, you are just not in a position to spend that kind of money. Period. You can’t get blood from a stone.

It seems that maybe she re-planned this trip to accomodate your phobias about flying, etc, because she really wants you to be a part of her day. That is a bit guilt-trippy for sure, but you have to be honest with her. But I think I would stick to the lack of funds being the issue rather than that you don’t want to “waste” your vacation time being with her on her wedding day. That seems a bit harsh to me and possibly a way to end a friendship that you didn’t mean to do.

Frankly, though, so many of us don’t really do something great on our vacations that I think an opportunity to have a marathon drive ending in a cruise would be kind of fun. Don’t let your fears keep you from experiencing something that could be wonderful. Is it really a money issue or your fear of the unknown and being out of your comfort zone? And the best time to push your boundaries is when you are doing so for a loved one.

#11

Yes…she did…I think that might have changed though, which is where I get a bit more guilted.

I do somewhat agree that it could be fun to go down to Florida, driving it could be ok too. I know we did it when I was a kid once or twice. It might be nice to see it as an adult. It does make it a two week vacation rather than a 1 week, and probably does make it more expensive. The cheapest room on the ship was about $800 a night per person…making it about $1600 (I am going to assume US) Driving down is gas, motel and food. I believe it is around a 20 or so hour drive, and neither hubby or I are willing to drive non stop. So lets say 3 days 2 nights. It would also be a consideration to rent a car, as I am not sure I want to put that kinda milage on to my car. That is where I figure the extra $1400…not to mention hair and dress, tips and alcohol on the cruise. perhaps travel insurance etc.

I DO really want to be there for her day. I am really annoyed that she can’t seem to separate my support from my being there. To her they are one in the same! This makes me feel really bad…
Yes…it is out of my comfort zone. Neither DH or I want a vacation of this kind. DH gets sea sick. I have other issues…but I could put them aside. The money is a bit tight. I am a little bit put off at the fact that she seems to think that $3000 is a cup of coffee from now until March…DH worked it out…it is more like $10 a day…that is more like 6-10 cups of coffees worth of money a day.

I am also annoyed that she is using the “everyone needs a vacation” line, and that she thinks it is ok to pull people (specifically me) out for a week or two for a wedding.

The last wedding I went to was for someone I have known since kindergarden and I didn’t even go to the wedding ceremony as the time difference between the ceremony and the reception was 4 or 5 hours. The wedding was about 1.5 hours away from home, and we decided it was not really worth it to hang around for that time in our dress clothes with no where to go. That and a $40 gift, it was all good! Heck, even my BFFs wedding was neat and easy, I did a small scrapbook album for her with photos I took at her wedding at a cost of about $200 (after photo processing of like hundreds of pics, where was digital then huh?) She loved that more because she had photos that were more candid and not in her photographers rolls.

Either way…her bottom line seems to be, either you WANT to be there or you don’t. Money won’t stop you when you have 10 months to save up. I say it is too much to expect for a wedding, and truely I hope the friendship isn’t done after this, though I already feel it is strained.

#12

Tell her flat out “NO”. VERY unreasonable of her to expect someone to take a week out of their life for this. Personally - I think the woman needs a MAJOR reality check.

#13

I have been trying to boil this down to the bottom line. I am trying to clear the bull and supposed “excuses” (as some without anxiety see it) To be completely honest with myself…

I think this is it…

I DO very much support her, and DO very much want to be there for her special moment/day.

I DO NOT [B]want[/B] to take a vacation on a cruise. I DO NOT [B]want[/B] pass go and spend $3000 on a wedding/unwanted vacation.

I think that is cut and dry. Without any additional feelings in the way.

The next question is, does a friend do something they don’t want to do, just for the sake of a friends happiness. Do I sacrifice/put off some of the things I need/want to do to make her happy?

What makes me a real friend? Just because she is being unreasonable, does that give me the right to be unreasonable back? Is she really being unreasonable?

See…this is the sort of thing that goes flying through my mind.

#14

She is absolutely being unreasonable. Imagine if you asked every single guest to [I]your[/I] wedding with [I]your[/I] husband to spend $3000 on [I]your[/I] wedding.

I am sure that you want to be supportive, but what she’s requesting is outrageous. Now. Had she spent the money and was paying for everyones’ rooms and airfare and this was just a matter of taking vacation time for a wedding I might be able to see that. And its not even like this is a destination wedding that you can get away from. Its not like going to Jamaica for a beach wedding that you can go down for a couple days and come home. This is a week long cruise with no means to get back home if you need to. You’re trapped on this wedding for a long as the cruise lasts, plus the flight home.

I think you should stop feeling guilty over not wanting to go. I think the bride is being outlandishly unreasonable.

#15

This is a friend??!! She sounds selfish and self absorbed to me. I’d run for the hills, away from her and her wedding!!

#16

I haven’t read the whole thread, so sorry if I’m repeating.

We had a big family “to-do” because of dh’s cousin getting married and doing the cruise thing. We have 9 children, aren’t that close to this cousin, and still the family thought we (and others) were insensitive and uncaring for not going to this wedding when everyone made the effort to go to other people’s (local, one afternoon, traditional church) weddings.

The bottom line was, while we were happy for the couple, our family’s financial and emotional welfare had to come first. What vacation time we had needed to be for us to relax, not for us to be all concerned about wedding events and etiquette, etc. at huge expense to us.

Every once in a while, we still hear some comment, but rarely. Too bad.

You do what you need to do. If you have the extra money and think it would be worth sacrificing that for your friend, then by all means do…but if you don’t want to make that particular sacrifice, then by all means, don’t—and don’t feel guilty.

Traditionally, going to someone’s wedding involves an afternoon of your life and a small gift. Not expenditures of thousands of dollars and a week of your time. IMHO, that’s really asking a lot. No guilt for declining.

#17

Would she go on an unwanted, expensive (still) week+ long trip spending a week on a ship with a seasick husband? I’m guessing she would beg off.

It sounds like you’re her friend as long as you do what she wants…kind of a like a 2nd grader. It’s time for her to leave the schoolyard tactics behind and grow up. Tell her one more time that you do support her, but you just can’t go and you don’t wish to discuss this anymore. Either she’ll accept and forgive you for what she sees as a slight or she won’t. If she doesn’t do you really need a friend like that?

#18

You can’t afford it and you don’t wanna so don’t feel guilty! I wouldn’t be able to cough up $3000 either! That’s why it’s an invitation, not an order. You are allowed to decline.

Going to weddings brings up all kinds of bad/sad feelings for me so I’ve declared a moratorium on attending any weddings for the next 4 years (last one I went to was over a year ago.) This means if I get invited to a wedding I will decline for my own sanity, cost etc doesn’t even factor into it.

#19

The only people I’ve known who do destination weddings do them because they don’t want to deal with all the guests and family crap that goes on. (Divorced parents having to be civil, in-laws mad because other family’s decisions, who gets to be closer, sit where, etc.) They pick 2 good friends that really want to go and witness and that’s it. They only have to be there for a day and it’s their decision if they want to stay longer or not. I’ve never known anyone to do a destination wedding and expect everyone to come along for the ride to the tune of thousands of dollars of their own expense! Why don’t you suggest to host a nice reception back home for all of the family and friends who won’t be able to come along. (Talk about lack of privacy- bringing your whole wedding party along for your honeymoon-YUCK!) Most destination weddings (or Las Vegas, quickie weddings, at bride’s hometown far away, etc.) do a reception back home for those who can’t travel that want to wish the couple well. Watch a video of the wedding, dress up all pretty and have some food and fun celebrating with them for one day instead of a week!

#20

Yes…I actually have suggested that. It is the same “But I really want you there” routine. And that tune has changed from that to the “if you WANT to come, you will, if you don’t, you won’t” attitude. So going from hopeful enthusiasm to guilt trip.

I intend to be the one that throws her shower, and goes shopping for her dress and all that fun stuff. Apparently being there is the most important thing for her…

You are right Kellyh57…I think she is totally doing it to avoid the big family thing. Unfortunately for me, I am one of those 2 good friends she wants to take with…rolls her eyes