OT Help with finding DH's porn

Warning! Porn talk ahead! May offend some viewers! But I need advice!

I should tell you I’m not a religious person and neither is my DH. I will buy him Maxim, FHM occasionally because I know that he is a man, he will look at other women, and I’m not bothered by that. I don’t want this thread to be about whether or not men should look at porn or not. I don’t mind if he does and he knows that.

The deal is, I was cleaning house this morning, DH has gone out and I noticed his drawer was stuck and wouldn’t close. I’m not the snooping type ok so I just pulled to drawer out to see what was stuck.

It was a porn dvd. I’ve never seen it before. Occasionally a dvd will be included in Maxim magazine or something but this was of a more…adult nature.

I just don’t know why he feels he should hide it on me? He knows I’m not bothered by it, heck we even watched porn together once. But why did he hide it? I’m concerned by that. I think it may have to do with my low self esteem but then, I’ve always had low self esteem. He might think that I would feel worse about myself if I knew he was watching it. But that just isn’t true!

I don’t know what to do when he comes home. I’ve fixed the drawer and just put the dvd inside it. Do I mention it? I don’t want to sound the nosy housewife. Should I just not say anything?

Any advice would be so appreciated!

In the meantime, I’m going to my LYS…I need some retail therapy!

I am certainly no marriage counselor, but have been married 33 years to the same man, so I will offer my unofficial opinion! I believe that in order for a marriage to be successful, being open and honest concerning your feelings is important. If finding the porn DVD is weighing heavily on your mind, then I think you should let him know how you came upon it without “attacking” him because as you said, his possession of it could be somewhat innocent in that it was included with a magazine. My thoughts on the “porn” issue are that if a couple wants to watch such material, that is between the two of them. If he put in inside a drawer in your home, I wouldn’t think that he was trying to hide anything at all.

If you are anything like me, these questions will stick in your mind and the reasons for it being “hidden” will get worse and worse in your head until you talk to him.

If it makes you feel any better, I encountered the exact same situation a year ago…and this year will be our 10th anniversary! In my case, some of this “material” (4 DVDs hidden WAY in the back of the storage area of our VERY deep entertainment center) featured VERY large-chested women of a totally different race! That didnt bother me in and of itself, except that if he is having fantasies, then I might want to be involved in them…and there is no way on EARTH that I can turn myself into EITHER a black OR a very large-chested woman for him! :shifty: THAT was the thought that kept turning over and over in my head.

I think MOST men own some of this material, and by “most” I mean 99.7%.

In all probability, he was not hiding it from YOU as much as hiding it from anyone else that might be popping by. Porn, by nature and throughout history, is “stuff-to-be-hidden”. I have never been to a home (with the exception of a Frat House when I was in college) where it is sitting out as a coffee table book. :wink:

When I finally talked to DH about it, it turns out that these were a “gift” from a friend that has his own “porn DVD duplication and distribution business” (this I knew :rollseyes: ) and these were some leftovers that no one else was buying.

I had gone over it in my head so much that I was QUITE nervous and didnt know HOW to bring it up…I think I started with, :frowning: “Huney…do you wish I was a large-breasted black woman???”

Just TALK to him in a non-threatening way. Let him know it caused a smidgen of insecurity on your part (even if its just the fact that he was hiding ANYTHING from you). You’ll feel much better. :thumbsup:

yeah i think you need to talk to him about it or it will be the elephant in the room that nobody is talking about. and he won’t even know why it is there. the longer you wait to ask him the more it will become a “thing.”

In all probability, he was not hiding it from YOU as much as hiding it from anyone else that might be popping by. Porn, by nature and throughout history, is “stuff-to-be-hidden”. I have never been to a home (with the exception of a Frat House when I was in college) where it is sitting out as a coffee table book.

I think Kelly nailed it there.

I’ve talked to my husband about this before because a friend was having some “porn issues” and I remember he said that men really are not that malicious. We ( women) tend to think they are much more methodical than they really are. As my husband says “You give us too much credit”

Just ask him :slight_smile: You’ll feel better.

I realize i’m new here but i (unfortunately) have a lot of experience in dealing with this issue. I won’t go into details but suffice it to say that it eventually broke up a most cherished relationship.

I agree that you should talk to him. If it bothers you, then it IS important.

-hh

I have to add something here…

:inlove: [size=6][color=red]I LOVE YOU GUYS!!![/color][/size] :inlove:

I [color=red]LOVE [/color]that we can have a tasteful, compassionate and empathetic discussion about our DH’s porn on a knitting website! I [color=red]LOVE [/color]that no one has been offended…I [color=red]LOVE [/color]that with all of our different backgrounds and ages and so on that we relate about so many different things!

THANK YOU, Egeria, for posting about your PORN ISSUE! Something I never thought would make me feel [color=indigo]WARM AND FUZZY [/color]inside!! :heart: :heart: :heart:

As my husband says “You give us too much credit”

Ha! :lol:

Not like you need one more “me too!”, but I’m going to add it anyways. Talk to him and get it off your chest. You don’t want it to fester and cause a problem.

I also agree that I don’t think he was hiding it from you. He probably thought that if it was in the entertainment center with the other videos, a guest could find it. If he was hiding it, he needs to work on his hiding skills! Any good snoop would have found it real quick. :wink:

With all that being said can i confess to how hard i laughed at your “Honey do you want me to be a big chested black woman” comment? If it makes you feel better i nearly choked from it, with this nasty chest cold i have going on! :wink:

I definitely think you should talk to him. The issue of porn has popped up in my marriage and my friend’s marriage. With my friend, she caught her hubby…uh…pleasuring himself during a video when she walked through the door earlier than expected from work. If a marriage can survive that, I think it can survive ALMOST anything. Though both my friend and I were hurt with what we’d discovered, talking with our hubbies proved to be the right move. Five years later, hubby and I are still happy.

And yes, I think it’s great that any topic can be discussed on this board. You definitely feel like you’ve got friends around here. And it also makes it easier because we don’t have to look each other in the eye when we say the word “porn” :roflhard:

btw…i saw a comedian one time talking about his collection and the great lengths men go to hide it from their wives and girlfriends. he said after all the work they do to make sure they are really clever about their hiding places where does the woman always find it?

yup…in the vcr…lol

Sorry, Brenda!! (Well, not REALLY…I had to laugh about it when it was all done & over, too!) Hope you feel better soon! :heart:

Okay… meaning to step in here… since I’m of the male variety and have been reather quiet the last few months :slight_smile: (btw, you’ll see me more active)

Now… Let’s get to the fact that he was “hiding it from you in a drawer”

Well, being a man myself, I know that I would never hide my porn (if I had any wink) in a drawer where my wife would see it.

Why? Because my wife is not comfortable with watching or having it in the open… she knows I have it… she just doesn’t know to what extent. we often joke about.

Men, in thier nature, will go to GREAT GREAT lengths to hide this stuff… most of the times we get lazy or forgetfull and leave it “unhidden” (ie: in the dvd player/vhs player) but something like putting it in a drawer where he knows you may get into… this I don’t believe is really “hiding” it per se … This was more putting it out of public pervue…

If he wanted to hide it from you, and make sure you didn’t see it… he would have :slight_smile:

Now I’m not trying to start anything… I’m just throwing in my point of view here… :slight_smile: So please take it as such and not anything else.

I would bring it up… if you feel that’s the best… I mean most men and women for that fact, feel porn as being a taboo… because it’s not as intimate as the marital situation… it’s fantasy… and everyone fantasizes… Men, women… everyone… just … men are more “open” to get things of this nature.

If you two have a pretty open marriage I would bring it up… heck my wife found some once and she joked with me about it… which with me was much easier than her just walking up with it and holding it up and looking at me… :slight_smile:

My 2 cents…

I too, found Kelly’s inquiry to her DH hilarious…I might even ask him if he’d like me to knit him a weenie warmer :roflhard:

Whatever you do…keep it lighthearted because life is way too short to keep things bottled up inside :wink:

Joyce

You know… my wife crochets and she found a patter for a “willy warmer” and she constantly is asking me… “Do you want me to make you one”

I just laugh and say… “U,mmmm. no”

:slight_smile:

Thank you guys SO MUCH for not getting offended and for leaving me your honest thoughts about the issue!

I’m going to talk to him about it because maybe he does have a logical explanation for why it was in the back of the drawer (not even in the drawer but behind it). I just want him to know he does not HAVE to hide anything from me.

I don’t want to sound accusing or anything, because I know my husband had fantasies, heck so do I and I know nothing ever comes of them.

Anyway, I’ll let you all know how it goes. I don’t think I’ll start off like Kelly though with my version: ‘Say sweetie, do you want me to be with another girl for you?’ HA! That would be funny though to see the look on his face!

I think I’ll just start off with ‘Honey, you know you don’t have to hide things from me right?’

Ok. here I go. Wish me luck!

Good Luck! I just wanted to add that when you don’t talk about something, you make it an issue. It doesn’t matter how trivial, it will become a problem if you are thinking about it.

I’m here a bit late but I agree with all the other girls here. You need to say something.

That is a good thing to say. Good luck and I’m sure everything with be O.K. :heart:

Great advice here. Sounds like a good plan Egeria! :thumbsup:

While we’re on the topic of self confidence and intimacy, I’ll share something I’ve learned about men and physical attraction, something I found to be a big relief to know…

I’ve got a fairly “modelesque” body type, and I’ve had several partners before Sheldon. Not once, from any of them, have I ever had the compliment “wow, you’re so slender and skinny.” Or ANYTHING like that. I’ve gotten compliments on my hair and personality, but that’s all I can recall. Oh, and the recurring compliment while in the bedroom has been “You’re skin’s so soft” (really my skin is just average). I think men just shift completely into tactile/touching mode, when intimate, hence the skin compliment. And unless they’re completely programmed by porn, or totally self-absorbed, they shift into a very vulnerable and loving place, when intimate, which is simply not about criticizing details of a woman’s body.

Boy was I psyched when I realized this. I used to not relax at all in the bedroom because I had cellulite on my butt. :rollseyes: We women can be so paranoid about this stuff. Now I’m totally relaxed. I seriously think that most heterosexual men don’t even pay attention to this stuff.

Amy