note- sorry for the length, but there’s so much going on…
This is just a bad day…week… month… figured I would get it out of my system with people that would understand.
I’m not at the panic attack point, but I am at the “I want to scream or go hit something or cry uncontrollably if this doesn’t back off soon” point. Thankfully, I never actually do any of that, but I feel like I want to!
Work is being difficult- I’m a technical trainer in a call center and everyone is stressed, so our boss is being a bit hard on us. Then I have an agent questioning my every move (yea- you have been here two WEEKS, I’ve been here over five YEARS- you have no idea what you’re talking about!) I finished another training class the week before last and it was the worst group I ever had to deal with. Every time I tried to reprimand an agent, management found a reason not to do it, so I had no authority with that group. This group is just frustrating and very immature. I honestly don’t think most of them will make it out of training, let alone be able to do the job.
I also interviewed for a job about two months ago, and haven’t heard back. They called all my references two weeks ago, but now it’s just a waiting game. I’m friends with over half the department where I’m trying to go, and they haven’t been told that anyone got the job yet, but mom keeps telling me that I shouldn’t get my hopes up, I’m probably not going to get it. On the flip side- every one of my coworkers here and possible future coworkers say I’m the best candidate… but still mom says I won’t get it, which hurts.
Two weeks ago, we found out that my husband’s grandfather had cancer. Two days later, he died of a massive heart attack. We then drove round trip from our home in Virginia to Florida in four days- with all the driving around Florida as well, it was over 2,000 miles. I’m still completely exhausted from that.
We then had company - my husband’s former room mate from college- in town, and tickets to a football game I really wanted to go to, so didn’t get any down time that weekend either.
Today, mom called to say that my “Grandma” Barbara who helped raise me (not really grandma, but adopted family) is in Virginia visiting, she lives in Nevada, so it’s a long way. I haven’t seen her in about 12 years, so yea- I would like to see her. However, Virginia is a decently large state. I live as far west as you can get and still be in Virginia. She gave me no warning that this was happening, and she wants me to drop everything and drive 4 1/2 - 5 hours each way to go see her. When I called mom back and said I’m just not safe to drive, she offered to come get me. The two problems there are that she makes me insanely carsick when she drives, and she’s really not safe to drive at night. I also know that there is no way she could do 18-20 hours of driving in two days. I know that this is probably the last chance of me ever seeing her… but I just can’t do it.
On top of that- tomorrow is the 6 year anniversary of my father-in-law’s death, so my husband is dealing with losing his grandfather and that brought back lots of memories of losing his father as well. He is somewhat sick this week and completely exhausted from working too much, and I’m NOT leaving him at home alone.
About an hour ago, she had dad call me too- and he sounds so disappointed in me. Dad almost never acts that way, and it is really hurting. It’s all I can do not to go hide in a corner and cry somewhere, but I have seven agents that I am responsible for training, and we have too many people out sick so there is no one to cover for me if I leave.
I just feel like the most awful person in the world. I’m going back and forth between near-panic, being ready to cry, and being so angry I want to just hit something. I tried taking one of the few 0.25mg Xanax I have left… I didn’t have mental health coverage of any sort for six months. The new coverage just started last week, and I’ve got an appointment next week, but it’s not helping me much now.
I just feel horrible and guilty but at the same time so angry that my parents are making me feel so torn between adopted family and my husband. How in the world can I make a choice? Either way, I let someone down… which makes me feel awful. This has been happening more and more where I get put in a position between having to choose between my husband and the rest of my family, even after seven years, mom doesn’t think he’s good enough. He has never done anything to annoy them except stick up for me and take care of me. He and I have been in one real fight in seven years, he almost never even raises his voice to me, and would never do anything worse than that. He has a very good job and works very hard for us to have the life that we want… so I have absolutely no idea why they don’t approve. The only thing he did “wrong” was ask me to marry him when I was 19, but after seven years, you would think that would be in the past.
I just don’t know how much more I can take and still function. Just to clarify- nothing worse than a crying fit or panic attack would happen, but usually after one of those, I’m pretty well numb and useless. (Figured I would clarify- I am not the type to hurt even a bug, let alone myself or anyone else!) I’m just on extreme emotional overload.
Anyone have any coping suggestions? Not allowed to knit at work, I’ll get fired. Can’t run off and cry- makes too much of a big deal because everyone freaks out if I do that… can’t leave without causing major problems…
but work has left me screwed more times than I can count-- maybe they should just deal for once???
Anyway- thanks for letting me get that out of my system… and wow, this really did come out long…