Making friends IRL

Lounge
1

Does anyone else have trouble making friends IRL? I basically have no friends. I’ll meet someone and think we could maybe be friends, but it never happens. I try putting myself out there but I always get rejected. I have to wonder what’s wrong with [I]me[/I]. I’m a mom, but I’m not the (stero)typical mommy. So 99.9% of moms I come across through Becca’s activities just don’t click. I don’t know why, but I just feel so very different from them. It doesn’t help that more than half of them already know each other well.

My latest blow - I was supposed to meet up with another woman for some needlework time. I went there, waited for about an hour, and nothing. She emailed me the next day or so and apologized that she’d gotten caught up in something else. I emailed her back saying it wasn’t a big deal. No response. A week or so later, I called her, hoping to meet up again. I had to leave a message and I still haven’t heard anything back - this was nearly 2 weeks ago.

I know she is super busy, but I thought she’d at least be able to shoot me a brief email. I don’t want to put myself back out here yet again. I feel like I’m chasing these people down, begging them to be my friend. :pout: What makes me so detestable?

2

I know exactly how you feel.

I too find it incredibly difficult to make friends. I won’t presume to know you and diagnose you, so I’ll just tell you about me.

I have walls around me that are made of titanium, are about 3 feet thick, and it takes an act of God or federal regulation for me to lower my walls so that people can get in.

Also, I usually don’t trust well AT ALL. Or, I trust inappropriately. So I tend to choose untrustworthy individuals, only to be (duh) slapped in the face with my choices.

I’m told I appear cold and stand-off’ish, reserved, withdrawn, etc. I hate being looked at, am fearful in crowds of people, and my throat seems to close off when I try to speak to people.

The few that I did allow in, including my husband, all tell me I’m not at all what I think I am.

See, most of the time I think people won’t like me. I’m either too old, too heavy, not smart enough, too smart, unlikeable, unloved, and alone. Therefore, I choose people who will confirm the lies my mind tells me.

I’m sorry I don’t have answers for you, but I did want to let you know that you aren’t alone.

As for a solution for you, I can only tell you that I had to learn to try to stop believing the lies I hear myself think and take a good, hard look at myself. I had to learn to stand firm in my beliefs, not to prostitute my principles, or twist myself into something I’m not so that others will like me.

When I did that, things began to get better.

I hope they will for you as well.

:hug:

3

Your not on own, I’m like you. I have a couple of ‘friends’ but I always calling them and I hardly ever see them. It’s why I take comfort from this place, I have made so many friends, chat to people I actually have something in common with. When I had a problem I posted here and you guys were brilliant, and helped me through it. People here have shown me much more kindness that my so called friends here in Newport EVER had. They don’t even like my knitting!

Why not find the closest KF member to you and see if you could meet up? I long to meet some of personally but seeing as I’m never likely to travel to the US, I’ll make do with chatting to you all.

4

[FONT=Arial][FONT=Verdana]I feel you, it’s really hard to put yourself out there and make friends. I moved to Boston last year only knowing one other person here (a good friend I grew up with). I thought that I was going to become good friends with my roommate but we just didn’t click. She doesn’t like to talk to me and just sits in her room with the door closed all the time. It’s been hard for me to meet other people here besides the people I’ve met through my friend. I’m a fairly shy person at first when I meet someone so I think that makes things harder too. I’m sorry you feel down about this, I’ve been there before and it really stinks. Maybe you could try a knitting group to meet a bunch of people in a social setting. Lots of LYS have nights of the week that people come in and knit. It might help to meet people if you’re in a group, sometimes I find that easier. Whatever happens don’t get too down, we’re always here for you[/FONT].:hug:[/FONT]

5

I relate to you so much! The ladies I have also met are through my girls schools and I thought we clicked only to not hear from them since school has been out. There were even a couple of them who asked for our contact information saying they wanted the kids to get together and nothing yet. We did go to a picnic with one of the parents at her house, but I kinda feel that the only reason we were invited was my husband is dutch (her husband is also dutch as were most of the people there). And she did not really talk to me all that much (I did try to talk to her). I have even tried going to a couple of knit groups, the first one it felt like I was out of place, I was the only one not knitting a sock and blogless. The second one, well I am not even sure when it meets again and it is a large one, the first meeting they had well over 35 people!

For now I have decided that I am not really going to put myself out there until we move to a house we own but I definitely understand where you are coming from! I think I would go crazy if it were not for Knitting Help!!:cheering:

6

Welcome to the club! My friends consist of family… hubby, mom, sister, bro n sis in law. A few people that work with hubby, but they’re just acquaintances. We hang out together from time to time, but it’s just not the same as one true best friend. I don’t have a girlfriend. I’d love a buddy that I could hang out with, go shopping with, chit chat with…

But it’s my own fault. I’m kinda a homebody. I like to stay home or just do things with my family. I don’t like clubs or bars because I hate being hit on, so I only go out drinking with DH.

I’m mourning the loss of my best friend actually. He (yes, he) didn’t die, but he’s become a self centered a-hole. Seriously. I can’t even stand to be around him anymore. He was my best friend for 14 years, and I was his Best Man at his wedding. He’s so not the same person he used to be. He only cares about himself now, and only calls if he needs a favor from me. :!!!:

7

Silver, I’m so sorry for the loss you’re feeling. I’m grieving the loss of my best friend as well. She died on 12/30/06, at 53 years old. At home, on her couch, surrounded by her cats and her boyfriend.

{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}

8

Thank you Feef. But seeing my friend turn into an a-hole is nothing compared to [I]your[/I] loss. I’m so sorry. {{{{{{{{{{Feef}}}}}}}}}

9

I’m mourning the loss of my friendship with my ex-best friend too.
It’s been almost 2 years since she flipped out and turned into a rancid b*tch on me.

I’ve been trying to find someone that I can be friends with on the level she and I were, but it’s not easy.
I email people and they don’t email back. They post that they want friends, but then they don’t email me back. Doesn’t make sense to me.
None of the people I work with click with me. They talk about shoes and parties and things like that. (Not that there’s anything wrong with those things.)

I’ve been having a hard time lately with the fact that I don’t have any really close girlfriends. I miss that relationship so much…

10

I’ll add my two cents- making new friends is hard. its hard work to find people you might remotely like- then hard work to keep making the connections to actually make a friend.

When I was in HS and college- we had endless hours and no responsiblilties so we had tons of free time to go out/ hang out with friends and talk hours about nothing, and find out all the little details about each other.

now that I’m employed, married and a mom, there just isn’t that kind of time. (or frankly, interesting people). my “me” time is spent knitting, checking in with family, or friends I know well from long ago. I’m really really trying to make friends with a neighbor of mine. But it is so hard for each of us to find time to just sit and chat. (she has 3 kids, is in grad school etc.) We are very friendly and everything but I really hardly know her. but we are both making an effort to make contact every couple weeks. (i know- sad- she lives 2 houses down, and we harldy ever lay eyes on each other!)

The other moms at dd’s school really aren’t my type. we are pleasant acquaintences, and set up play dates, and like each other’s kids, but I wouldn’t just call any of them out of the blue to go get coffee or anything. in a former playgroup, I always felt left out. I just didn’t fit in. This used to really bother me. but when I really thought about the people, I didn’t really want to get to know them either. so we left the playgroup (without drama- it was just over for the season).

I guess I just want to say don’t give up totally- but do try to keep working on those who are worthy of your time and effort.

hang in there, MKZ

11

I don’t have a lot of friends IRL either, but in my case I think it’s totally my fault. I’m close to my partner, my Mom, and my older sister, and at this point in my life that seems to be enough.

Friends are a lot of work. I hate to say that, because I know how crappy it sounds and what it says about me. When I was a kid and I’d complain that I didn’t have any friends, my dad would always say to have a friend you’ve got to be a friend. That’s the rub for me. I find it exhausting to invest the time and emotional energy into maintaining really intimate friendships. I tend to do better in a small group setting that I do with one-on-one relationships.

I’ve had a handful of what I considered really close friends over the years, but sadly, it didn’t take very much for us to grow apart: changed jobs, changed churches, changed spouses, etc. At this point in my life, I seem to be pretty content with casual friendships with people at work and church.

12

I find it hard making friends too… I was shy and at school they thought i’m snobbish, go figure. I had a few friends during the teens that either “dumped” me for other people or used me as their crying pillow and i don’t want to take it anymore. I have two great friends, one lives in Italy now and even though i haven’t seen her for 2.5 years now, we chat and call each other on birthdays. The other friend lives in Jerusalem too and we meet rarely, but when we do - we’re the best friends ever, supportive and caring. That’s the kind of friendship that suits me - no pressure, but lots of love! I’m a very sitting-at-home-reading-a-book type of person and so is my hubby, we get very tired at work so it’s really hard to maintain friendly relationships with other couples. My real turn with friendships was after our wedding, when i realized that many people i thought were my friends aren’t. They never took the time to tell me they weren’t coming or told 3 days before the wedding, when we already set the number of guests. These people didn’t care about my feelings being hurt (i told them about the wedding 6 months in advance) or about my money being spent. They made silly excuses just to save the gift and the driving and never took the time even to call me afterwards. So i’m through with them. I prefer less which is more.
You should have more confidence in yourself and people will have the urge to be around you. Right now i’m not looking for new friends and there’s a substitute working with me, whom i know from the university and suddenly she’s totally crazy for me! I just become much more confident in myself and my opinions and that’s what draws her, i guess.:hug::hug::hug:

13

I’m like JoeE, in that my husband and my mother are simply enough for me at this point in my life.

Making friends is hard. It’s hard to “break in” to already established groups.

I personally tend to attract crazy/extremely needy people. I don’t know why that is, or what to do about it, and it makes me cautious.

Mommy22alyns, is there a knitting group in your area?

14

Actually, it was a woman from that knitting group that I was supposed to meet at the library. :cry:

15

I’m like that too >_< I’m more of a family person and I don’t get out much without my husband. I do go to a couple of groups with my son but I’ve never managed to make friends with any of the other mothers :shrug::oops: I have been lucky enough to meet some people I’ve met online and become friends offline though, but the nearest (and I count her as my closest friend) lives an hour away and is incredibly busy at the moment.

16

I’m in the same boat as you. My DH and Mom are my BF. But when my kids were younger, around 5 and up to about the age of 10. I was real busy with their school. So I met a lot of lady who had the same age kids as me and where involved in school like me. So we would hang out, lunch, talk on the phone. But now that my kids are older, I don’t do much with the school any more. I have lost contact with alot of them, except one, but we are not as close as we used to be. She started working and so did I.

so Mommmy2… don’t worry to much if it is YOU, just know that they are busy with there life and maybe they like you, but just don’t have time right now. I would not give up on a friend. Once your girls start school, I am sure they will find you. Just keep putting your self out there.

And the lady who did not show up… I bet she feel real bad about not showing up and not returning your calls… I bet she might not every show up for the next meeting at the LYS.

17

I don’t have many friends either… my best friend from HS is so far away we barely talk…
About a year and a half ago, my closest friend at the time turned my life upside down. I had been helping to give her 24 hour home care when she became bedridden for a time, and they put her on a medication that made her manic. Unfortuantely, after a week of her talking nonstop, her husband and I decided to take her to the hospital ER because we couldn’t take it anymore. They put her in the psych ward that night… by 8am they had a court order keeping her there and there was nothing we could do to get her out for two weeks. She never forgave us and walked out about two months later to visit her parents for a weekend and never came back. She never really spoke to us again, though I tried to call her. I felt so betrayed… I had almost lost my job when I was trying to care for her and she ended up in the hospital… it’s been hard to trust anyone ever since.

I do have one close friend, but since she has two kids and I have none, I do have to do most of the work to get together. It makes it much harder…

other than that, I think I’m afraid to trust anyone besides my husband because I always seem to get burned…

18

I know how you feel! :hug:

Your girls are pretty young, aren’t they? Do you attend a church? Can you start a play group? There are “mommy and me” types of organizations that can get you connected with a group near you.

When we moved to Miami several years, I quit my job to stay home full-time. I did not know a soul, and I had two children under the age of three. I quickly found a church and tried to start a play group. One of the gals who came (and I don’t think there was much interest) told me about a play group she was involved with. She got me connected, and we met once a week at various locations. Those were a really good two years!!

Then we moved again, but the kids were starting school, so I was able to meet a couple of friends that way…by arranging play dates after school and sticking around to get to know the moms.

Your interests are going to change during the years as your children grow more independent. You’ll find that your needs for friendship (and ability to provide it in return) will change as well. I think the key is being flexible and understanding that everyone is going through the same thing. Also, some people are naturally more outgoing than others.

:hug:

19

I’m sorry to hear about that woman bagging on you, even after you put forth the effort to get together. It sucks.

If I wanted to find new friends, I’d try to join a local sports team (if that’s something you’re interested in) or some other group-needed activity. Things like a knitting group are kind of viscus with people coming and joining, and it might be difficult to get to know people.

Of course, I have the opposite problem and have a really hard time posting here, despite reading tons of posts and having opinions on some of them.

<---- Note my small number of posts despite being here since Oct 2005.

20

we are not alone! I have the same issue. I don’t have ANY friends. I had something happen to me several years ago now (almost 7 years ago) which devastated me and I was close to being homeless. You totally find out who your real friends are when the chips are down. Unfortunately for me, I found out that not one of my friends was a real friend.

One who I thought would be there always (as I was always there for her) basically kicked me hard while I was down. She may as well have set me alight and screamed “I won’t even pee on you!”

I have to this day still no idea what I did to my so called friends to make them hate me that much, that when I was really in trouble they all just turned their backs on me.

I always found it hard to make friends anyway, but after that all happened, I found that I am a strong enough person to cope on my own. My father died the following year, and I went through that entirely alone, while supporting my mother through her loss.

I’d be happy to make acquaintances but I doubt I’ll ever make “friends” again. I’m very happy with my life as it is, I like this online community of knitters, and I consider people here to be more real than anyone I’ve ever met. Why? Because I know that people here give an honest opinion, and everyone does so with such style and nicety that there is rarely ever any nastiness here.

The only one I can remember being an argument over acrylic yarn giggle and even then it wasn’t that nasty =D

hugs to everyone