First, let me say I feel for you in your current situation. It cannot be easy to discover that the man you married and invested more than two years of your life with has changed his mind on such an important point. He may not understand it is a deal breaker, but I completely empathize with your sentiment. For me, it would be an absolute deal breaker if my partner were to suddenly WANT kids. I have made it abundantly clear that I will remain childless for the rest of my life and that anyone who shares my life intimately must do so as well. It is completely non-negotiable. I’m not meant to be a mother and I embrace that. My current (and hopefully for life) partner is equally as adamant that we remain childless. He had a very tragic experience as a teenager that has colored his idea of parenthood forever. He doesn’t want to go down that road and I concur with that decision.
It would also really royally piss me off if my partner tried to get a therapist to change my mind or change who I was fundamentally. In fact, that in itself would just about do in the relationship.
So I say all that to say this: I wish you good luck in life. You seem to know exactly what you want and are mature enough to realize that sacrifices must be made to achieve your dreams. I hope everything turns out as you wish it to.
Jamiejeans, IMO, behavior trumps all. I don’t particularly care what a person tells me; I am more interested in what they do or have done. Repetitive behavior tells me more about their beliefs and traits than any words they can carelessly say. We play games with ourselves and words are a good way to cover up what we really feel. But I think behavior “outs” people’s real thoughts and desires in the end, no matter how much they want to fool themselves or others. We do have to choose to trust what people say from time to time. But only when altered behavior follows those words is trust and stability restored. A thief who constantly promises to stop stealing but continues to steal hasn’t changed anything. Perhaps you are not sure whether his former words (of wanting children) are true, or this more recent refusal to have children is true. In any case, it’s important that you think about how he was willing to end two previous marriages over this issue, and then ask yourself which set of words is backed up by past behavior.
oh Jamie, I’m sorry . I really don’t have any advice but just wanted to say I’m sorry. I really hope you can get through this with your husband. I know I would be devastated if this happened.
You know I’m really close by, so if you ever just want to get a coffee or lunch or just knit, drop me a line.
I’m glad you’re working with a counselor, and sorry that you’re going through this. I didn’t quite figure out if your DH is also going to a counselor on his own or not. Either way, I’m surprised/disappointed for you that he didn’t think that changing his mind would matter to you.
In your shoes, I’d be thinking hard about this, and probably leaning toward ending the relationship since, as you’ve said, having kids is important to you. I’m at a stage in my life where I could go either way (10 years ago, I would have walked away - at almost-37, I’m not ready to say “no kids ever”, but I’m also no longer saying “must have kids”). Still, if a partner had started out saying one thing and then changed without discussion, I’d be really miffed. And hurt and disappointed.
Kristin, thanks! I just might take you up on that offer, likely when I’m on school break!
My husband is going to a therapist of his own. Who knows what he’s talking about, and likely he’s not really being honest with how devastated I am. Just my guess though.
cftwo, I am 31. I have PCOS, which has a high rate of infertility. So I have two things working against me. As I get older, conceiving won’t get easier. I feel that partly because of that, I have to make a decision about what I am going to do. And I want to give myself a chance to find someone who truly wants the same things in life as I do, and someone who can give me the stable security with those things as well. I’m not taking any action on any of this now…I need to stay focused on school. But when school is out (next summer) I will be making my move one way or the other.
