Christmas Shock

I love your quirky sense of humor and hope that you will continue to post “non-knitting” tidbits. This place is an important outlet for me. I love the knitting tips and projects, but I really love being able to come here and talk about other stuff too. I’m sure you’ve felt the same way, which is why you posted this. You needed someone to listen.

Knitting is what drew me here, but the wonderful people keep me coming back way more than I should (i.e. I need to write my paper but I’m posting this ;)).

So, continue to post. God gave us all different experiences in life, and I believe that part of the reason He did (other than it would be a pretty boring place if he hadn’t) was to enable us to share and support each other through those experiences. Most of us can identify with family issues since there is no such thing as the perfect family.

:hug:

Isn’t the point of a forum two way dialoge? I think EVERYONE who posted feels badly for you, we have families and children and know what pain they can cause.

When I am crazy out of my mind about something it often helps to have someone give me a different perspective.

Forums are great places to vent but you have to accept that there will be different viewpoints and different opinions. I think all the thoughts here were sympathetic and concerned even if they didn’t agree with you.
I truly am sorry that you are having a difficult time .

Well, I hope you won’t take this in the wrong light, but I tend to agree that you should have quietly returned the book for the one you wanted. I probably would have kept the original one, also and saved myself a lot of hassle that certainly wasn’t worth it. Since she seems to do this all the time, you just have to take all precautions not to set her off. What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.

Now, for your DD’s attitude. My mother used to cop out and just give money to my children (once we were adults, she didn’t buy b’day or christmas gifts for her children; another possibility for you). I hated the the money thing cuz I wanted my kids to have a gift to open up. But at the same time, Mother did teach me that when you buy something for someone else, you include the gift receipt so the receiver can just return it without making a fuss. I’m not sure if you mentioned it, but I hope you’re not dragging yourself out for a second round of shopping for replacements for your DD and grandkids. If she has the gift receipt and isn’t happy with what she got, then she can do whatever she pleases. You did more than should be expected.

As far as the dress for the wedding, you should just tell her that it is far too expensive and that you’ll find something perfectly suitable that will fit your style and budget. Tuff if she doesn’t like that answer. It’s your money and your body. If she has her heart set on that dress, well suggest she pick up the tab for it. If she doesn’t want to, well then maybe the dress isn’t all that great after all.

(I guess it’s too late to give her a good whack across the butt when she acts up, huh?)

Sometimes you just have to wonder where these attitudes came from. My DH and I practically jammed the ideas of a good education and a college degree down our son’s throat when he was growing up. He dropped out of college and is barely making ends meet as a waiter in a sports bar (at 31!). He spends an inordinate amount of time on his “music” hobby which is going no where and he can’t even find a girlfriend because he has no future. Fortunately, our DD got her degree and is steaming full ahead on her career. Night and Day. Go figure?!

This is, of course, my opinion and your should just ignore everything and don’t let anyone stop you from posting or venting.

I hope you won’t stop venting in here, and I hope you won’t stop feeling comfortable in here. It’s ok to take responses ‘with a grain of salt’, so to speak, knowing that the people reading your vents often don’t know the whole story. Take the responses that comfort or help you to heart, and let the others go. This is such an emotional issue for you (how could it not be?) that I know it must be hard to separate yourself from the issues.

We all have had times we need to vent. Getting others opinions opens up a lot of possibilities. But, remember… they are just possibilities.

take all the info and see what will work best for you. As no one can know all the history behind a situation, take the advice, and do what will work the best.

Good luck and know we are all pulling for you… Good luck in whatever avenue you choose.

I do feel that there are times adult children should be spanked, lol. I do know I become very frustrated with mine at times, but it is their life to lead as well.

:hug:

Yup.
I said what I said because I figured u were asking for opinions.
Not looking for someone to lash out at.

As long as an offspring is over 18, there’s no need to spiral out the door about their behavior.
It’s not in your hands, anymore. Mine are 30 and 28, and I don’t say anything to them about their behaviors, anymore. They know my views, and they’re free to make their own way in life as they see fit.
Moms are sometimes convenient people to ignore, or to passively agress after.
Don’t let her get to you. And, don’t get to her. As for the dress, I’d tell her, if I didn’t have the money, that I was going to pick out my OWN dress, under my own budget terms, and I hope she can deal with it. It isn’t about the dress, it’s about if she wants you there at the wedding.
If my kid told me to fork over money I didn’t have, I’d laugh, and tell her I was going to show up in a walmart special.

OK? Treat yourself to something really special. When I get down, I go have coffee at a nice coffee shop, and I look at the sky, and listen to the birds. I relax, and pat myself on the back. Shoot, no one else will. Be GOOD to yourself.
And, be sure to buy the grandkids LOTS of sugary snacks the next time you baby sit them. And, let them walk outside in their socks, in the front lawn, or something. And, give them ANOTHER nerd rope.Let them be climbing the walls with energy when mommy dearest picks them up.

GIVE HER SOMETHING TO GET IN A SNIT ABOUT. Stop worrying.

After reading the whole thread, i realize that your DD is a selfish brat and you have nothing to do with it. My mother is just the opposite - she turned out a caring, loving, sincere person with a manipulative, lying, two-faced mother (yep, that’s my grandma). About the book - I have to agree, I would exchange without telling her, but i would not make her any more gifts. If you come to babysit your grandchildren - you’re coming for them and not for your daughter. You don’t have to talk to her or relate to her stories. If I were you, I wouldn’t be going to her wedding at all, if she treats her ex-supposed-mother-in-law better than she treats you and bothers to brag about it in your face. From what you’ve wrote, she’s a serial bride/girlfriend. If every time she wants to get married, you’ll wear what she wants - you’ll go bankrupt :hair: . Just wear walmart dress and give her a 2-hand card saying “see you next time” :rofl: . I think that somewhere deep inside you think that if you’ll try harder, she will change. But she won’t and you have to accept that fact and the fact that’s it’s not your fault and it’s not your job to change her. Just try to stay away from her as much as possible to avoid the pain. My grandma is always trying to come between my mother and me, telling lies and stories, so i try to talk to her once a month without giving her a chance to catch something out of my mouth and start WWIII with that.
I hope you won’t find my post offensive, I just really feel bad for you, you try and give and the other person just takes and that makes me sad. Don’t stop venting here, nobody is trying to offend, just present another point of view. Sometimes, written things sound differently from what the person meant.
Lots of :hug: and :muah:

You know…the more I read, the more I get concerned.

I do not agree with the daughter trying to control things, such as the dress you should wear to her wedding. Given your limited budget, that’s not fair.

What concerns me…that I’ve been hearing…is acting vindictively towards the daughter. I do not believe that is right, no matter how much she might hurt you. It will only serve to make things worse. Plus, what kind of example would you be setting for those grandchildren who will, by the way, come to see their mother’s actions for what they are.

I had a very bad relationship with my own mother, but I tried desperately to keep the door open to her. She was very controlling and negative. But to close the door by purposefully acting vindictive was just something I could not do, despite some of the things she did…even after I got married and moved away.

Things have gotten better, so I’m thankful for what I did. It’s not to say that I didn’t tell her how I felt in the midst of everything (once I got up the courage…a very difficult thing, I assure you), and that in itself nearly cost me the relationship with her due to the affront she felt (and still occasionally refers to).

Respond to your daughter in love. Sure, feel free to tell her how she’s upset you, but don’t act mean-spirited. Your family doesn’t need two people acting this way, and you wouldn’t want her to use your actions against you by forbidding you to see those wonderful grandchildren.

Your love may eventually pave the way for a good relationship later on.

:hug:

I truly do not understand how you think I have been vindictive towards my DD. Could you please explain this to me?

:hug:

I did not mean to imply that YOU have been vindictive towards her. You know I would never, ever insinuate that. I try very hard not to be judgmental when I post.

:hug:

Some of the posts have advised staying away from her, buying a cheap dress from Wal-mart, just to spite her…yada, yada, yada.

I just wanted to say that I think you should respond in love. Stick up for yourself, refuse to pay for that expensive dress, but keep treating her kindly.

Hope I cleared the air.

I adore you…I hope you know that. :hug:

I just went back and re-read the first paragraph of my other post. It does sound like I implied you had been rude to your daughter. Sorry that my words got kind of messed up. My intention was not that at all.

So sorry. Please forgive me for any angst I caused…

OK, now I understand. I would never show up at my DD’s wedding looking like a bag lady, even if only to show that I have some style and class. I would not go to Walmart to purchase the dress either. I have a friend who was a seamstress at a wedding store for 27 years and yesterday she has generously agreed to make the dress my DD wants me to wear at her wedding, but at a much less expensive cost to me.

I always TRY to respond to my DD with love. If I cannot do that due to anger or hurt, I avoid talking to her for that day until I have calmed down. I don’t refuse her calls, but I do not get into hurtful or dangerous discussions when I am upset. If DD tries to do that I find a way to get off the phone/computer, claiming someone at the door or an appointment I have to go to, etc.

And yes, I know we are good friends! That is why I asked for an explanation of the comment you made, instead of flying off the handle (which is usually how I react to my DD as well, I always give an opportunity to explain before getting upset).

Thank you, my friend. :muah:

Nathalie and The.Knitter, I don’t think any of us meant seriously wearing a dress from Walmart (which is hard for me to offend as i’ve never been to one :rofl:), at least [I][B]I[/B][/I] wrote it just to make The.Knitter feel better. And still i don’t think that treating everyone with love always helps. A horrible example is the Holocaust - German Jews loved their country and couldn’t understand why it treats them so ill and refused to leave and look what happened. I know it’s a harsh example, but i guess i’m more on the cynical side. If a person treats you so ill, as giving you a used birthday card, I don’t think there’s much love left there. Sometimes you just have to admit that your child is not what you hoped for. I admire The.Knitter for her patience and love with which she makes presents and try over and over to give to her daughter, but to tell the truth - i think i would disconnect myself from that person a long time ago. I guess i’m not as generous as you are, Nathalie (though we share the same name :teehee:), I just can’t give without limits to someone who can’t appreciate it at all and keeps offending me and hurting my feelings that way.
:hug:

You know…we’re all human. It’s natural to want to lash out or withdraw when we’re hurt. I’ve certainly done it plenty of times.

And you are so right that you can’t always win over someone with love. But, you never, ever know when that 10th or 100th or 1000th kind response will hit its target differently. You know…that “aha” moment.

Trust me…I’m no angel. My life is not perfect, as y’all have read about my experiences with my own daughter.

I think the people here are wonderful, and I fault no one for the advice they gave.

My sister once read a book that spoke about not analyzing people’s intent but simply accepting things at face value. The author of the book stated that we free ourselves when we don’t worry about the underlying stuff behind people’s actions.

Yes, it sounds naive, but what an amazing feeling to have the load lifted off of our shoulders if we did not constantly (even unconsciously) scrutinize the meaning behind the things that are said or done to us.

Oh, I’m just rambling, so forgive me.

All I know is that we all feel The Knitter’s pain, and we sympathize for her. Strained relationships are disconcerting and tremendously upsetting.

:hug:

It’s too bad you even told her you were exchanging the book. Maybe she never would have found out and didn’t need to even know.
I have a few knitting books that are “beyond” me too. I like them to dream on. Glad you finally got the one you wanted.

Ya know love, your DD and my sister should get together. With their matching personalities, they’d make the best of friends…or the worst of enemies.