Cancer Support Blog

Jerry told his brothers and sons today. Unfortunately he had to do it by phone. His brothers live in Minneapolis and Chicago and the boys each live an hour and a half away.

Jerry and his older brother are pretty close and so he took it really hard. Jerry and the boys are going to do something special on Father’s Day. He wants to do something with the grandkids maybe they can take the kids to the Please Touch Museum or something like that.

[B][COLOR=Red][SIZE=6]MY GOD I HATE THIS!!!:hair::grrr:[/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][COLOR=Red][SIZE=6][COLOR=Black][SIZE=2] :!!!:
[/SIZE][/COLOR][/SIZE][/COLOR][B][COLOR=Red][SIZE=6][COLOR=Black][/COLOR][/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][COLOR=Red][SIZE=6][COLOR=Black][SIZE=2]I can’t stand just giving up. I want to do something. Every time I think about this thing beating us I want to [SIZE=7][COLOR=Red][B]SCREAM!!!
[/B][COLOR=Black][SIZE=2]I try not to think about what our grandchildren are going to miss when he’s not here. Every time I do I start to cry.

We went to the mall today. I had to pick up some stuff. Jerry’s scooter is so convenient and it was nice to have him with me. It’s funny he has always hated shopping with me. He’ll even put up with me in MACY’s now. I really didn’t enjoy the shopping though. I felt like it wasn’t real. It was like being in a movie or something like that. I also kept fighting back tears. I wonder if it gets easier. Now I know what my mom went through when my dad was dying. Also the people in the mall kind of scared me, they just seemed so blank. God, I feel like such a drama queen these days.


Nadja xxx


Hey Nadja,

I am a survivor, 4 years cancer-free (knock on wood). I had brain cancer - my first time was at age 25, second was at 27. I just had my 31st birthday (but I still tell everyone that I’m 29). It was horrible, and every day is a struggle. I know it’s so difficult to stay strong, but you are doing a great job. No one can be perfect all the time - we can only strive for pretty good most of the time. I am keeping my fingers crossed for you.

First, let me say, I’m so sorry your family is dealing with this nasty cancer. I can almost feel the pain in your blog.
Several years ago I had a friend that was in a similar situation. He did something for his kids that seemed so sweet. He had someone video him giving each child a special message about how he felt at that time. For example, one for his daughter on her wedding day which she and her fiance watched. One for the future grandchildren etc. I think it was a real neat way for his children to have something so personal just for them.
Find some joy in simple things and etch them in your memory. SCREAM here whenever you want. :hug:
Prayers to you all.

Robynbird~’:hug::hug::hug:to you honey~ I am so VERY sorry… I don’t care how old you are when a parent dies…IT HURTS~! I lost my dad last year and time does help but OMG… it does hurt:shock::pout::pout:

I am thinking of you~ with warm thoughts and hugs from across the miles~~

Robyn, my thoughts are with you and your family in this time of need.

YOU ARE NOT A DRAMA QUEEN! Keep screaming at us, I know you feel angry, and thats o.k. I hope you find something nice to do with the grandchildren.

:hug: How are you doing today sweetie?

I:heart::heart::heart:the idea of a recorded message to everyone… there are so many times I wish I could hear my dad’s voice again especially on holidays and when I fell so lonely without him. That would be such a wonderful present for everyone…:hug:

It makes me thiink of the movie “My Life” with Nicole Kidman~ her husband recorded messages to everyone before he was gone and her young son ( 1yr) saw the video of dad andNicole told hiim 'that’s Dada"
I just cried when I saw it because it was SO beautiful~:inlove:

Hey everyone, I tried to get on line yesterday but my computer just wouldn’t let me, I guess it was having a HAL day. I guess I’m doing ok today but it’s early only 8:45 AM so I’ve got about 13 hrs to go.

We went to Jerry’s eye doctor yesterday. Man, I hate the PA turnpike!!! What should have been a hour and 10 min trip took us almost 2 hrs. because of construction and driver stupidity. Because the tumor is growing under his eye and invading his optic nerve he is losing the sight in his right eye quickly. His eye doctor is trying to slow the process and he is also taking care of his left eye, which is doing quite well. We also went to the dog park yesterday afternoon. Jerry really liked being able to watch the dogs playing and talking with the other doggy parents. Unfortunately when we were ready to go the scooter wouldn’t start and when I called customer service (I use the term loosely) the woman was worthless. So I and 2 other women pushed him back to the car. Just another indignity for him. At 1st when we were driving home from the park he said he didn’t want to go back, but a little later I told him we’d get it fixed and we’d find out what to do if it happened again. He then agreed to go back to the pack only if we could fix any problems that may come up ourselves. He didn’t want to be pushed back to the car again. I felt so bad.

I did some food shopping at TJ’s yesterday and when I was backing out of my parking space I heard this car horn blaring. I couldn’t see anything because of the mini-van next to me. When the car finally came into view the woman driving shot me a nasty look and flipped me the bird. I was so angry, I was filled with rage. I wanted to park my car again again, get out, go over to where she had parked, pull her out of the car and bash her head in on the asphalt. I had to sit and just breath for about 30 seconds. I’ve never felt such rage and over nothing (I’m normally pretty laid back). It seemed to take forever to dissipate. A woman who saw the whole thing came over and asked me if I was ok. I told her I was and then she commented that some of the people who shop there are so ignorant.

Jerry told his 2 best friends last night. One of them started to cry. The poor guy, he and Jerry have been friends for over 30 years. The 3 of them have over the years helped each other when times were bad. They encouraged each other when sales were low or when they got bad reviews. They’ve been having weekly lunches for the past couple of years so they’re going to continue while Jerry’s still able.

I still start crying for no reason everywhere and anywhere, I don’t know what to do about it. I still have to find out about a support group, I haven’t had time yet. O well, gotta go and get the scooter fixed.


Nadja :knitting:

Robyn :hug:My thoughts are with you and your family. When my grandmother died I saw how hurt my dad was and I understand that no matter how old you are when you parents die, it’s very difficult.

Nadja, I can’t imagine what you and Jerry are going through. It must be really hard, and I admire you. You’re trying to find ways to enjoy life and it’s very important. Of course you need to cry and scream, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. We’re here to listen. :hug:

nadja~ Good for you for taking a deep breath and regaining your composure~ you are using your head right now and that’s great…
when my dad was in the hospital ( over 4 months) :pout::ick:… there where days I was so angry and irritable… little things and people got on my last ever lovin’ last nerve…
I had to walk away, count, breathe and pray so many times b/c I felt like I iif one more thing happened or one more person asked something from me or was rude to me I was gonna BLOW~!!
The anger will come and go and there will be more where that came from… :heart:it’s just part of the whole process of having a sick loved one…
I do think the support group is a great idea b/c noone understands what your’e going through like someone who is or who has been there themselves… and try to keep a sense of humor if it all possible it will getyour through some of these most trying moments~
go online ( after the scooter:think:) and find out what is out there… there is help everywhere.

Hugs to you again:hug:

Nadja, I was so shocked to read all this! My love, thoughts, and prayers are with you, your husband, and your family and friends. :hug:

Reading your blog and your previous thread made me realize how much I admire you and your approach to this situation!
I admire your strength for caring for your husband and showing him your loving hopeful face and enabling him to do things on his terms.
I admire your courage for starting this blog and sharing your story. May you gain strength back from it and may it truely be your safe place to vent, reflect and find yourself supported.
And I admire your generosity for opening your blog up to others. I think it is a wonderful idea.
You are one strong woman, Nadja!

Cancer truely does suck! It affects so many people. Medicine has come a long way, but unfortunately there is a still longer way yet to go.

I am lucky to not have much cancer in my immediate family, but I work with many cancer patients (I’m a medical physicist).
I understand your frustration at wanting to do something and then facing that terminal diagnosis. But you can and ARE doing so many things for your husband and his family and friends. Your ideas and love enable your husband to do things that he would not otherwise be able to do (going to the park or mall, fixing his scooter). And another one of the things you are doing is finding support for yourself, here and elsewhere. That is so important!

I think it is an excellent idea to find a support group (other than us). A place to start may be the National Cancer Institute fact sheet on support groups. The institutions listed there should have some credibility.

Much strength and courage for this journey!

I’m so sorry to hear about your mother! :hug:
Sent you a pm, too.

Mason my dad had a melanoma removed and has survived for over 40 years. His siter had over 100 skin cancers removed and survived into her 80’s.


I know it is hard to think of hearing such a diagnosis, but we don’t want to lose you.

Nadja, my thoughts and prayers are with you and Jerry, as well as your darling children. I know there is nothing that can be said that really helps and nothing that any of can do, except lend moral support. Just know that we are all here for you, and for any others who need our support.

Thanks Ruth,

I’m not strong, I love him. How can I not help him and care for him? He helped me and encouraged me. Heck, I wouldn’t be the person I am without him.

Jerry’s last treatment was stereo tactic surgery. We met the physicists who did Jerry’s STS. Is this what you do?

Thanks for the NCI link.


Nadja :knitting:

Today was pretty good. We got the scooter fixed. It was really stupid, it wouldn’t start because I kept putting it in the wrong gear :oops: :doh:I felt so dumb but the guy at the store said that it happens all the time because the different gears aren’t clearly marked. Well at least now I know what to do if it’s beeping and it won’t start.


Nadja xxx

I would think that the company that makes the scooter should redesign how the gears are marked since so many people do it.

Nice to hear that you feel today was pretty good. I know it makes it just a hair easier for those moments.

I’m glad you got the scooter fixed, Nadja. My mom had a lot of problems with the first scooter she got, so dad got her a different one. I don’t know what they are tho’.

We didn’t really even have time to get used to the fact that my mom had cancer before she was gone. She’d gone through so much prior to this: triple bypass; kidney failure and dialysis for 5 years; kidney transplant; COPD with chronic bronchitis and then finally this, lung cancer. She had small cell lung cancer which is a very aggressive form and there was no cure. My mom was a fighter…she fought everything but I think once she realized that there really wasn’t hope, she waited long enough to see her three daughters and her sister and then let go. I’m so glad I was able to tell her how much I loved her the night before she died…she was also able to tell me how much she loved me too. I miss her.

My mom was a fighter…she fought everything but I think once she realized that there really wasn’t hope, she waited long enough to see her three daughters and her sister and then let go. I’m so glad I was able to tell her how much I loved her the night before she died…she was also able to tell me how much she loved me too. I miss her.

Dear Robyn I’m also glad that you and your mother were able to tell each other how much you love one another. I always regretted that my father slipped into a coma before he died and I didn’t get the chance to really talk with him and tell how I felt before he passed. I had so many opportunities but I let our stormy past get in the way and then it was too late.

I know you miss her and unfortunately the pain will pass all too slowly. Maybe you can do something to lessen the pain. After my dad died I called my mom and I got her answering machine. She hadn’t changed the out-going message and so there was my dad’s gravelly 3 pack-a-day voice and it sounded so beautiful. Whenever I needed to hear his voice I’d call my mom’s house when I knew she wouldn’t be home. Maybe you have something like my dad’s out-going message. Perhaps a sweater that smells like her, or a recipe that you can make when you need to be with her.

When you need someone I’m here. :hug:

:muah: :hug:

Nadja :knitting:

Eleanor Roosevelt - “Women are like teabags. We don’t know our true strength until we are in hot water!”

Nadja, I do believe that you are a very strong woman. Of course you love your husband, and of course that gives you strength, but you do very positive things to deal with your situation and to help him deal with his. There are so many ways that you could be putting your head in the sand and instead you are facing all these difficult issues head-on and are brave and strong. And yes, I imagine you don’t always feel brave and strong. - But for those times, remember that (in my opinion at least) you are!

Stereotactic surgery and other radiation treatments - that’s the area that I would like to move into. Right now I mostly work with diagnostic imaging, but I coordinate between the two departments at our Medical Center.

I’m glad you were able to fix the scooter and had a good day. May tomorrow be gentle on you two as well.
Many hugs! :heart: