A Mother's Dictionary, Part One

haha…Some of these are pretty good :teehee:

[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]BABY: 1) Dad, when he gets a cold. 2) Mom’s youngest child, even if he’s 42. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]BATHROOM: a room used by the entire family, believed by all (except Mom) to be self-cleaning[/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif] “BECAUSE”: Mom’s reason for having kids do things which can’t be explained logically. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]BED AND BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest, with the biggest bunch of kids, who have had the most sugar. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]CHINA: Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love leftover vegetables. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]COOK: 1) Act of preparing food for consumption. 2) Mom’s other name. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]DUST: Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]DUST RAGS: See “DAD’S UNDERWEAR.” [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]EAR: A place where kids store dirt. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]EMPTY NEST: See “WISHFUL THINKING.” [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.[/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]“EXCUSE ME”: One of Mom’s favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be “put out” by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question, “What’s for dinner tonight?” See “SARCASM” [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]FROZEN: 1) A type of food. 2) How hell will be when Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle.[/FONT][/COLOR]

:roflhard::roflhard:

I LOVE it!!!

:roflhard:

That’s too funny… where did you find that?

:chair:

roflmbo! too funny, thanks for the laugh!

I got it sent to my e-mail. A while ago I signed up to receive jokes from the site Joke of the Day and that was one of the ones they sent. I should be seeing part two here soon, I have to check my e-mail again!

That’s great!

Apparently part 2 is floating around in web world or something because today I got part 3 but still no part 2…lol…So, here’s part 3!

[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]PANIC: What a mother goes through when that darn wind-up swing stops. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]OPEN: The position of children’s mouths when they eat in front of company. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom’s nickname for Dad. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]PENITENTIARY: Where children who don’t eat their vegetables or clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]PETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have someone else to clean up after. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will refuse to play in front of company. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]PURSE: A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can never find because they’re buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated coupons. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]RAINCOAT: Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm, rendered ineffective because it’s in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a book bag or because the child refuses to wear “the geeky thing.” [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]ROOM MOTHER: A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on a Mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble through coarse reenactments of famous historic events. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]SCREAMING: Home P.A. system. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped, performs two important functions: Protecting children from the cold and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]SOAP: A cleaning agent Mom puts on the sink on the off-chance one of her kids will accidentally grab it while reaching for the towel. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]SPIT: All-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids’ faces. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma. [/FONT][/COLOR]

And finally, Part 4

[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]SWEATER: Magically charmed article of clothing that can ward away colds, flu and even pneumonia. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children’s clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to understand her child’s “special needs.” [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]TERRIBLE TWO’S: Having both kids at home all summer. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]“THAT WAY”: How kids shouldn’t look at moms if they know what’s good for them. Also applies to how they talk. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]TOWELS: See “FLOOR COVERINGS” [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]TRAMP: A woman with two kids and no stretch marks. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]UMPTEENTH: Highly conservative estimate of the number of times Mom must instruct her offspring to do something before it actually gets done. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]UTOPIA: See “BUBBLE BATH” [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be “just like Daddy.” [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]“WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME”: Standard measurement of time between crime and punishment. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]XOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid’s lunch box even more mortifying. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]XYLOPHONE: Small toy musical instrument often given as gifts to children who show their appreciation by playing the stupid thing constantly, over and over, all day long! See also “DRUMS” [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]YARD SALE: Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mom plans to sell kids’ outdated toys and clothing that she decides at the last minute are treasured mementos she can’t bear to part with. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]“YIPPEE!”: What Mom would jump up and shout if the school year was changed to 12 months. See also “YAHOO!” [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]ZILLION: Amount of times Mom must have gone to the supermarket already this week. [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.[/FONT][/COLOR]